Post Move Anxiety: Mind Has Not Caught Up Yet

I have gotten a good deal of work done with my house this extended weekend. But I have also committed to getting some good rest. I not only deserved it, but I physically and psychologically needed it. I have been going pretty much non-stop since early July. An extremely eventful and life-changing two months. Really great things too. But my god...the pace.

Plenty more to do today. It will be a long day. I'm glad for the day off tomorrow. My mind has not quite caught up with this newer reality of getting settled. I still feel the anxiety of starting a  new job and moving into a new home. It reminds of college finals. After the momentum of studying non-stop for so long, you finish with you studying and exam taking and then it just ends. But your mind and body have not caught up with the abrupt end. They are still in cramming-anxiety, non-stop for weeks mode. That's me now. College finals did serve a purpose after all. Practice for real life shit.

Well done, college.

New Home, New Town, Now Job

Well, I'm here. The first chance I have had to sit down and write. I've been that busy. I really don't even have the time now. But I wanted to get something in and posted to my crappy blog.

I'm a home owner now. Kinda. The house hasn't technically closed yet. There shouldn't be any problems but not counting my chickens yet. Should be within the next few weeks.

I worry. It's kind of what I do.

But I love the new job. The transition has been difficult. Don't love my new house. But it's better than renting, and I plan to upgrade ASAP. I really don't want to be stuck here.

Some new weirdness and problems living in the same town as my ex. Those will pass. Part of the transition, I'm hoping.

Speed Packing Marathon...They Suck

The speed packing is progressing. Still overwhelmed and worried I won't finish in time, but I have no choice; so I will. I'm at the point where I am just throwing things in boxes and even heavy duty garbage bags. I have gotten a good deal done in a short amount of time. I've been riding on the seat of my pants for a long time (over a month), but with a plan. And things have been coming together, long and short term. Just have to keep plugging away.

I see some kind of end in sight. About 6 hours until I start loading the truck. I can get a good deal done in that time.

Thank You, Past Me

I felt the need to write again this morning. Been going non-stop, and writing always helps me to let go, iron out mind clutter, and feel rejuvenated. Never really fully understood way, even after years of formal study and research into writing.

But it's the act of writing itself that is important, regardless of the intellectual "why".

In full move/pack mode. I feel behind, but I can and will do this. I was looking through older posts, and I came across a couple where I was similarly overwhelmed and did not know how I would fit in the time. This one in particular spoke tome. I came through those moments...and I came through them triumphantly. Looking back helped to remind me of that.

Thanks, past me, for writing those posts, which are helping preset me to feel less stressed and that I can do this.

Last Post From This House?

This very well could be my last post at my current residence. In the house I moved to after my ex and I separated. The house I learned how to be a single parent to twin boys. The house I lived in when my divorce was finalized.

I also got a better job from this house. I applied to many, as recorded on this blog. I actually spent a lot of my free time searching and applying to jobs. I mentioned I was offered and accepted a new one. And that was good. But then after I accepted, I got called in for another interview. There were a lot of things I liked about this job, so I decided to at least go to the interview. A week later, they offered me the positions, and I accepted.

This was good too. It just made things very complicated. Letting the prior new position know I was taking a different job elsewhere was the easy part. And they were very cool about the hole thing. The really hard part of going through the process again on finding a new home and day care for my boys. I also and working very hard to sublet the place I signed a lease for the prior position I accepted and then rejected. Trying to find a sub-leaser sucks, and is time consuming. And pretty scary. If I can't find someone I'm screwed. But I have been pep-talking myself that this will happen. I keep finding people to show the townhouse too. Hoping one will come together soon! Some promising ones in the next couple days. People with bad credit are killing me (like really bad credit), or I would have found someone already.

Finding a new day care was also one of the easier things to do. I was really worried about that too. But I got that taken care of quickly.

And the really big news: instead of renting, I bought a home. Yes, that is right, I bought a very modest home. It just sort of came together. I was not initially looking to do so right away. But an opportunity fell into my lap. However, it's about as good as any rental home I would find, and I won't be throwing away money on rent. And I have hopes of leasing out the property in a year or so and buying a better home.

I have come a long way this year financially.

But the process was also very time consuming. I have been crazy-busy all the time for more than a month.

I will move into my new home Sunday. And I still have tons of packing to do. Wasting time writing a blog is probably not the best way to spend my time right now. I am actually moving in before I close on the house. That is basically how I was even able to pull this off.

And then, I start my new job Monday.

Holy shit.

If I think about it all at once, it is too much. I just take it step by step systematically. But is is also a juggling act.

Back to it now. Project speed pack. I can do this!

It's Alive: The Life Line Continues...For Now (and a side not about keeping regular)

Still here.

I've been contemplating shutting down the Life Line at the one year anniversary (came and went on the 14th of July).

Really, I'm, not sure why I keep up with it. This blog is a hackneyed compilation of barfed out thoughts on...whatever. No real revision or forethought...pretty much par for the Life Line from day one.

Sometimes, I think, I just need an escape from life. Something else to do and think about that also allows me to write. Because I love writing, and I still don't get to do it nearly as much as I would like. I get some sense of reward and accomplishment from posting these mundane, meandering snippets of my misspent life. More, in ways, than writing in a journal. The public-ness adds a little something extra. Of course with the public-ness comes more self-restraint and censoring than I might do in a private journal. But I don't feel as fulfilled with journals as I used to. And I have journaled for a loooong time. Someday, I plan to do something with all those pages and pages of journal. No idea what but...something.

Maybe I should be a memoir or creative non-fiction writer...or something like that.

Crazy shit going on (not to be confused with the side note below). I have accepted the new position, so this months brings the end of an old job and the start of a new. Been spending a helluva lot of time finding housing and day care arrangements (my ex, of course, has not help with the latter at all...which I shouldn't find odd at this point but, yet, I still do for who the hell knows why). Plus planning the move, packing up my house, closing things out at work, and million other little things here and there that adds up to tons of crazy shit I'm juggling to keep up with. I'm OK. I'm OK. No really. I'm OK. Fuck.

But really. I'm OK. And this transition, as stressful and anxiety-laden as it is, is not as stressful as the divorce-move last year. It's a new start in a new town. Looking forward to it, really. But right now, I am just in holy-mother-of-god overwhelmed mode. Hence my escape in the Life Line...for a little but. This is one of the reasons I started the Life Line, among others, because last year, I was newly separated from my then-wife and on the brink of divorce. And rumor has it divorce can be pretty stressful. And by pretty stressful I basically mean THE most stressful thing people experience. Top two: death and divorce. Seriously. I'll find a source. Franklin (and Defoe?...didn't know that) should have amended their death and taxes spiel to death and divorce.

And here's that source I mentioned...sometimes it's better not to know. And yet, it makes me feel better.

I also found this gem of a quote that resonated with me (comma splice and all): "I don't miss [her], I miss who I though [she] was." -- Anonymous

Add to all that...I got called just yesterday for another job interview. And I either foolishly or inspirationally accepted. Bad timing, man. Bad. Timing.

I'm OK.

*Side note: I've shat like three times today already (*side-side note: I totally did not expect shat to be in Merriam's). And not little pebbles here and there but giant bowel clearing pythons. Where is all that crap stored? I wonder if I weigh less. If I would have known this would happen today, I would have weighed myself first thing this morning and compared to my current post-shat weight.

This is actually not an uncommon occurrence either. But today's...output has been truly exceptional. The timing is pretty good. It would seriously interfere with my work productivity and ability to watch my boys if this happened during the week. But I have to wonder why? I am also pretty regular during the week (and as the Scatman has most wisely noted, "you got to keep regular if you want to keep happy!"), so why doesn't my body gradually unload during the week instead of storing it up for the big weekend finale? *Shrug*

End side note*

And if you haven't noticed, I gave the Life Line a tiny face life. The black theme was depressing me.

The Cliched Awesomeness of Coffee Shops and Writing (Part I)

I'm writing from my favorite coffee shop. Ever. I have not written at any coffee shop in a long time. I don't think since I moved into my current place with my boys. The town/city I live in now does NOT have a coffee shop.

What the hell.

The town has its charms, but I'm not exactly sure what to make of a population of people who do no value or support a coffee shop. There was one here. But it did not do well and closed. I will be glad to leave that city.

At the same time, I have become comfortable in that town, in our home, in my job, in the school my boys go to, in our routine. Enough to make me question taking the new position (I've already accepted). Enough to instill a healthy dose of fear and anxiety. But things are falling into place as the move date approaches, as more unknowns become knowns.

The new city I'm moving to--attached to the new job I'll be starting next month--has tons of coffee. The city in general is a much better fit for me. And not just because of the coffee shops. I found our new townhouse yesterday. I'm subletting for several months and then I plan to buy next spring.

But back to coffee shops, I know its cliche, but I have done tons of writing--GOOD writing--at coffee shops. I basically wrote my way through my education at coffee shops. I like the background noise and chatter of other people enjoying their coffees, writing, quietly socializing, etc. That somehow keeps my more focused. I am much less productive at home. It's too comfortable. Too easy to do...nothing. The lure of slacking off is powerful. The lure of doing something else--housework, reading, organizing--somehow seems to weigh heavier as I sit there.

To be continued...

A Job Offer (Finally!)...Should I Stay or Should I Go?

The one year anniversary of this blog is approaching fast. My initial goal had been to post a blog every day. That did work out. More recently, within the last few months, I changed that goal to averaging a post every other day for the year. I was into it for a while. But then, as usual, life got in the way. I also lost interest. I didn't feel I had something to say everyday. The thought of post to the blog become a chore, not something I looked forward to an relied on. There is no real payoff for me for this blog. There used to be. It did help me to think through all the mind slush during a very difficult life transition.

I still struggle with it, of course. But I have reached a place of equilibrium, as the transition became my new norm. I did well during the year even, with some set backs here and there, as there always are. But I continued to make forward progress.

With a little help from my friends and family as well.

I am on the brink of a new transition now, albeit a more positive one. This year, I also put of lot of time into looking for a new job for a variety of reasons I won't go into. I had some mini-successes, but kept applying. It was both a boon and a hindrance to have a decently salaried position with excellent benefits. I could be selective. I wasn't desperate. I could even turn down positions if I did not like the offer. On the other hand, my heart was not always in the search. There is comfort in the known, which at times detracted from my motivation. Some of my interviews were half-hearted . Some I did not prepare very well for. So while I had nibbles, I did not get any job offers.

Until last week. I am all but certain I will accept it, which means another move. Which means uprooting my boys again. They are a year older now, so I think the transition will be more stressful for them as well.

But they are also still young enough to get situated quickly to a new place and school. Now is the time, and the position is a good one with more of a chance for advancement and in a city that is a better fit for me. I MISS good coffee shops, Panera, and Barnes and Nobel, as weird as that sounds.

It's also a chance to start anew. There is too much here that I associate with my pre-divorce life...with my ex-wife. I like the idea of a clean slate. At the same time, I will also live closer to the ex, which is good for the boys and for me. I do want the boys to be closer to their mother.

Add to that, I feel I can finally "drop anchor" in this new place. I have not felt that way here. It always felt like a stepping stone for the next thing, albeit an excellent stepping stone.

I am in a position to buy a house. I would like to buy in time for the move...in time for my new job's start date. This is possible if I move fast. I have been planning to buy in advance. I already have an approved lender  and loan in place.

Since the job offer, which I have not yet accepted, I have been scoping out homes online. Next is to contact my lender and visit these home. There a few I really like that fit my budget and in excellent school districts.

That is where I am at now. Unless I get a counter offer from my current employer--they value me, but that scenario is unlikely--I will accept the job Monday or Tuesday.

I am already making preparations to move...which I am not looking forward to at all.

A part of me is considering holding out for an even better position. But I can't make plans based on positions I have applied for but have not yet even been called in for interview yet. But there are still applications out there...and I will continue to look to upgrade because...why wouldn't I?

In the meantime, I have been germinating plans for additional income. I have some start up ideas. There are a lot of possibilities. And I feel more ready to pursue them than I have in a long time.

The shroud of the post-separation/divorce funk is lifting.

Forgiveness and Rethinking This Blog

I just wrote and then lost a lengthy post, and I don't feel like trying to recreate it.

A big theme was forgiveness...I have to forgive my ex in order to move on and break out of this funk.

Also, I have not blogged in a while...and I don't really care.

The one year anniversary of the Life Line is coming up. I may end it completely or take it in a whole new direction.

My Cat Won't STFU. Seriously, Cat, STFU!

How's that for a catchy blog post title. But it's also true. I can not get my cat to STFU.

And as great as it is to be able to socially acceptably swear via text-speak acronyms, my cat's incessant meowing RATFOOM (Really Annoys The...you can figure out the rest).

So what to do, other than write a blog post about it? Why is my cat meowing, kinda sounds like cat crying actually, and how to I get him to stop.

Research to the rescue. And I will pass my savings...my finding on to you, dear reader of blogs.

But first, symptoms and context.

My cat was not always to annoying little shit he is today. I didn't always used to fantasize about physically abusing him or have day dreams of leaving him at the nearest shelter (preferably no kill, but I'm good either way). I'm also too chicken shit to get rid of him. My sons might miss him. I'm also a bit a sentimental retard. Whoops, not supposed to say retard anymore. I've had the cat a while. My ex entrusted him to me. We got him together from a shelter when we were dating...before we married, before the kids, and before the divorce. And the annoying cat was pretty much our babies before we had babies. Nevermind that his role now is that of a money leaching eat, crap, and puke machine and there is zero ROI. I'm banking on his death in a few years or so. And I will not give in to my boys demands for a puppy. Already they are pining for a damn puppy. No effing way is that going to happen. Please god, give me the strength to resist their frowny faces, puts, and temper tantrums. I'm so weak. I'm totally going to have a puppy some day, aren't I. But I am ABSOLUTELY waiting until they are old enough to take care of the dogs themselves. Then they can also take it with them to college...or wherever they go. Hopefully college and then medical school. And in this fantasy, they go through college and med school together as best friends and continually recite to others how they owe it all to their loving, supportive, yet firm father, who taught them responsibility and discipline by getting them a puppy when they were younger.

For now, though, the cat.

Returning From My Self-imposed, Post-Divorce Social Exile

Father's day is coming up, and my boys can't stop talking about our planned zoo trip this weekend to celebrate. Maybe I shouldn't have told them so soon.

They also miss their mother and their grandfather (my ex's dad), who they call Papa. He has been sick. They are pretty close to their Papa and love him a lot. They will see him this weekend too. I'm glad for them.

We have a bed time routine. I did not fully comprehend how important and meaningful it is to them. I skipped on the bedtime prayer for one of my boys. Unintentionally of course. He let me know and how much he wanted... needed...to hear the comforting words. It warmed my heart. I love and rely on our bedtime routine too.

I am also stepping into a larger social world of parenting. It's good for my boys... and me.

In ways,  I shut down socially after the separation. I was able to sort of hide behind the shame and grief of divorce. I was also able to hide behind my boys. I could focus solely on them and my work.

But they are more social creatures now. They need me to guide them through the intricacies of being part of a community. And I have sulked long enough.

Moto X Blogger

My first blog post from my Moto X. 

In ways it's better than my tablet. All the same features, really. And everything is beautifully synced via Google. The tablet is basically bigger and has more storage capacity. My phone, however, is more...practical? 

I do use my tablet for a few essential work functions, which has really enhanced my productivity, so it is well, WELL worth it. When not at work, the tablet seems to have found a niche as a toddler gaming and education console...thereby greatly enhancing its...worh-it-ness.

The phone though...I want to write love songs about it.

That probably comes across as...odd? Stop judging me!

Tom and Jerry, Home Depot, and My New Moto X

My boys are back home, watching old school Tom and Jerry cartoons (the newer ones are not nearly as good), and playing with what they like to call my iPad (*note: it is actually a Google Nexus 7, which, in my opinion, is better than the over-priced/overhyped sweatshop manufactured Apple product).

So...I have a little time to get some cleaning done and write a quick blog post (I have been slacking the past couple days).

Not sure what activities we'll be up to today, but we had fun building things at the Home Depot Kid Workshop yesterday. Next week for Father's Day I'm thinking the Zoo (fathers get free admission, and the ticket price for children is almost ridiculously inexpensive). I'd also like to take them to see the new How to Train Your Dragon movie, if I can fit that in.

Speaking of Google/Android products, my new Moto X phone came in this week. I now pay $22 per month for unlimited everything cell service from Republic Wireless. Why anyone would choose a more expensive provider is beyond me. Kinda like how the Moto X is just as good if not better than the iPhone, yet people prefer their overpriced/overhyped sweatshop manufactured crap.

In any case, the Moto X is just awesome. LOVE IT. Pretty huge upgrade from my old, crappy Motorola DXT.

Well...the natives seem to be getting restless (by "natives," I mean crazy four your old twins...FYI). Little mouths to feed...and all that.

Interview Bowl 2: Mental Exhaustion...Introvert Overload

I have to admit to myself at least...those interviews were mentally draining...from all the prep work to the actual meetings with directors, committees, Deans, etc., etc.

I just feel...tired...like I could sleep for a week. But...no. Work tomorrow. I know I should not complain about having to work. I am grateful to have a job that pays a somewhat adequate salary (although the benefits for my boys and me go a long way)...really and truly I am. I would just...like to not have to work tomorrow.

Plus, I am doing recruitment stuff, so I will have to talk to large groups of potential students for hours. Can't hide away in my office and work on less...social projects. I am social-ed the fuck out. It's an introvert thing.

But, I thought today went really well. I did not feel people with significant hiring influence disliked me. In some ways, I almost felt as if they were courting me. That's a nice change.

There are of course parts I reply in my head and scrutinize and ruminate about different and better ways I could have responded and interacted with the committee. I interpret and reinterpret non-verbal messages.

It's all kinda useless at this point, except whereas it may help me in future high pressure social situations, including interviews.

If I had to guess, I would say I will be offered the position. I should know in a couple weeks or so. Seems like a long time...and it is.

In the meantime...more jobs to apply to. And figuring out how to afford moving.

Today's interview was actually only a short-ish commute, so I could commute for a while (if I got the position), not rush into finding a new place, and save up a little money for the move. It also seems they promote from within, which I like.

Again...no idea of the salary. I looked up salaries for the position in that area...I though it was pretty promising.

In any case...commence the waiting game.

Interview Bowl: One Down, One To Go

The first interview came and went.

I thought it went pretty decently...with the minor exception that I kinda have a feeling the director of the program doesn't really like me. Not that I thought she disliked me...she just didn't necessarily like me.

I'm not really sure why. We just did not connect. Not a good sign.

It was a nice place, and a nice little town.

I thought my presentation went well...not great...well. I spent a looong time prepping for it. Much longer than I had planned.

And I barely slept last night. Not the best pre-interview prep policy, but that's what happened.

I had some good talks with people and, I feel, I conveyed my expertise well.

So I will either be a good fit for the program, and they will offer me the position...or I won't, and they will not.

Part of me really dreads the thought of moving, of starting over...yet again. I won't even go into how I have no idea how to afford a move. But I will figure that out when/if the time comes

Plans...need plans...which I will get to later. Not tonight. But sometime soon.

For now, I am just exhausted, so, naturally, I can't seem to fall asleep.

At least I don't have to worry about a presentation for the next interview.

__ __
Blog Post Typo Tally: 2

Interview Prep: Cultivating My Inner "Neo"

The first big interview is tomorrow, and I am starting to feel pretty nervous. It's the one with the presentation too. I will be devoting my day to preparing for it.

I think the first step is to chill...and to believe in my inherent awesomeness. That can be a slippery slope, but I fully believe in the utility of knowing you are good at what you do...without coming across as cocky.

That self-belief has a positive effect on others' perception of you, so why not choose to believe you're good, even if you're unsure? "Faking it" can even generate actual belief, which can even affect your actual competence in positive ways, and vice versa.

In my case, I really do believe I'm good. But I can second guess myself...and even third fourth and fifth guess...to the point where I start to question my abilities. This self-doubt creeps into my behaviors and body language, which people do pick up on, unconsciously and otherwise.

So I will be great tomorrow.

And I will be me. That is another important part of believing in your awesomeness...allowing yourself to be you, not some awesomeness ideal you think you aught to be. Being genuine in that regard, being authentic, is another key that can win people over.

One final key I think is important is allowing yourself to have fun and enjoy the process. Why not have fun? Maintain professionalism, of course, but enjoy the experience. This transmits confidence, competence, and a passion for what you are doing. The hiring committee is hiring a colleague...someone they will be spending a lot of time with. They want to hire someone who they will enjoy working with...someone who will contribute to a positive and fun working environment.

Actually, there is yet another thing I think is important: allowing the interview to become a conversation instead of an interrogation. They best interviews I've been involved with, on both sides of the interview table, have been the ones where people start to relax and talk with, not to or at, the interviewee.

In the end I will present myself as myself. I will know I am good at what I do. They will either feel who I am fits their social environment and what they are looking for in a candidate...or they will not. The latter I can not control...the former I can and will.

__ __
Blog Post Typo Tally: 3

Separation and Divorce: Year One: A Brief Look Back

My boys and I moved out of the home we shared with my then wife one year ago today. It was a pretty scary and stressful time.

We actually had not vacated our new house on the 1st. The moving truck was loaded, except for a few things I planned to load first thing the next morning.

I wanted my boys to feel happy and safe during that last night in our "old" home, and I wanted them to wake up to their familiar things in the morning.

They have grown and changed so much since then. A year is a long time for four-year-olds. They were three when we moved, not too far removed from two...still babies in a lot of ways. They are now undeniably little boys.

So much of my fear and stressed revolved around them (and still does, really). I am grateful my Mom and step father were in town to help take care of them while I packed up the house. God knows my ex didn't help with shit...the boys, the house, all our stuff (including a lot of her stuff), cleaning the house, everything...she left for me to do.

She moved out the prior month and was able to leisurely move her things into her new place while I watched our boys.

I still resent it, I guess.

I think...and I have said this before so who knows...my ex and I get along better now. Although she is more of a financial wreck than ever it seems, while my financial situation has greatly improved in only a year. It really drives home how much I allowed her to screw up my finances. I am responsible too, of course. But it sucked that she sucks with money. It still makes things pretty difficult, in regards to her paying her share of our boys' expenses. I sincerely hope she becomes more financially stable. For the boys' sake...and for mine. She is a volatile person, and the financial instability leaves her open to "acting out" more readily. Yes, admittedly (and horribly), there is a certain satisfactory "see what happens" aspect to my relatively more financially stable position. But I would much rather her be more secure. It is not fair to the boys especially. And my financial well-being is still connected to hers, including childcare expenses and a car loan that is still in both our names (hopefully for not much longer).

But anyway, on June first last year, after breakfast with my boys, a little cartoon watching, and morning playtime, I packed up my remaining stuff and left that house for the last time.

I had an extremely limited amount of time to drive to my then new place, unload it all, and set up as much as possible. Again, I wanted my boys to feel safe. I wanted them to be surrounded by their familiar things in an unfamiliar environment.

I remember one of my boys was very visibly afraid when I first carried him into our new home that evening. He wash shaking a little...until he saw our couch and his toys waiting for him. The couch in particular seemed to be very significant for them.

The couch is getting old and some of the seams are starting to tear. But it's a great couch, and it says "home" to my boys. I can sew the seams.

The couch has been good to us. So has this "new" house.

Thanks house.

__ __
Blog Post Typo Tally: 14

To Boldly Go Where...I Have Never Gone Before: Fear and Self-Care

My boys are down for their afternoon nap. We had a fun morning. I have to get creative for fun, interesting, and inexpensive activities to keep them occupied and their minds and bodies sharp and challenged. That, I would say, is a big part of parenting.

I take them to their mother tomorrow. They will be there for the week (an unusual occurrence), and I will of course miss them like crazy, as always.

Foremost of my mind, however, is my upcoming interviews (TWO next week)...fast approaching. I have been doing some prep work, but I will start doing so much more hardcore tomorrow.

There are also still a few more jobs I want to apply to.

My mind has been wrestling with the fear of leaving my current position, place of residence, resources I have become familiar with, friends I have made, and people I feel comfortable with, etc. But I wouldn't be doing this if the time and energy wasn't worth it. But still...fear of the unknown and unfamiliar and all that.

Then there is also the prospect of affording a move without breaking my bank, and I desperately do not want to rely on credit and undo all the debt I have paid down this year. I will have to get creative with that too.

I want, more than anything, to provide a good life for my boys. And I want something for myself as well. I have sacrificed my personal needs this past year for my boys, necessarily so perhaps during a very difficult transition for all of us. But I can't keep doing that to myself. I can best be there for my boys by taking better care of myself and my needs...sometimes, though, I just don't know how...

My boys are up now, sitting with me as I type, still a little groggy from their nap. Those smiling faces are precious. I will figure out how for them.

One Day, Two Interview Invitations

And like that I finally have a couple interviews lined up.

Yesterday, I received two invitations to interview for two separate positions. From nothing--well, a couple nibbles--to something.

I was pretty excited. I set the interview dates and informed my boss, who has been in the know and supportive all along.

I have not been offered anything, and it is possible that if I am offered a position, I will not accept. I am interviewing them as well. So it is still business as usual at my current place of employment.

One interview requires a presentation on a topic I know very well and present on often...I even teach a class centered around the topic. And my course evaluations from my students last year were very good. My best yet. It was a very good year for me all around on many levels.

And yet, I am nervous. I feel a pressure to make my presentation super awesome. Why not already start with the assumption I am super awesome? Even further, why impose such an intimidating expectation in the first place? Start with believing...in myself. The belief will be transmitted to my audience. In some respects, that projection is more powerful and will make a better impression than my actual content.

In truth, I am also scared about getting a new position. I have a niche at my current institution; I have built a stable and familiar home for my boys, and there is comfort in my routine. Add in my awesome year.

Another transition...if I get a new job.

But I have to keep striving to better my situation, and that is why I continued searching...

So another planning process begins...for two interviews in the very immediate future.

I could be starting a new job and moving within the month.

And I search...

__ __
Blog Post Typo Tally: 9

Single Parenting and Letting Fear Get the Best of You

In single parenting, there is sometimes this creeping fear. You're fine for a while, so don't notice as it starts to worm it's way inside. It seems to radiate through your guts and then up into your chest. You only start to notice when it has grown...on the brink of becoming manageable.

Then it's there, full blown. No longer creeping. You tried to deny it, but now it's is unmistakably there. A force that demands your attention.

Or maybe it's something unique to me.

In any case, I feel the fear now.

I'm worried about some upcoming, unexpected bills. This is what can happen on a tight budget. I've been working to pay off debt, and I have made a hell of a lot of progress. I'm worried it will all go to shit.

I'm worried.

Shit.

And fear breeds fear. What if I loose my job, which is a pretty irrational thought. Am I not doing enough to bring in more income? Am I raising these boys wrong? Will they hate my when they are older, when they are past their current daddy worship phase and become cognizant and then critical of my faults?

But a solution lies in identifying the problem. I can make plans. Plans are good.

Plans are all I have. And they have to be enough.

__ __
Blog Post Typo Tally: 2

Recognizing Successes and Learning to Enjoy the Moment

I've had a great weekend with my boys. We really have a lot of fun together. I have to get creative with activities on tight budget.

For example, today is Memorial Day, and I'm a veteran. I don't think I've revealed that before. We might be able to do some stuff for free today, including enjoying a meal together at a restaurant--one that is not McDonald's.

Also, I had cheeseburger success last night! I've had the hardest time getting them to eat burgers. They are pretty finicky. But I've slowly been adding in more food options. It's been working. I have to give props to my ex, for once, for her part in expanding their palates.

Discipline is also an issue I've been working on. This is something I worry is inconsistent between my ex and me. I can at least make sure things things are consistent in my home. I've been having some success. But it's an ongoing effort,

My writing in general continues to suffer. I feel I have been trying to find a way to write more consistently for a long time now....

I have to keep in mind I have written a lot more since the separation, I am making progress, and I will continue to do so.

Committing Fully to a Single Writing Project

So I've been blogging more frequently...almost daily this month. My blog posts kinda suck, I know, but I enjoy writing them. I look forward to writing them even. Reading older post is interesting too...only to me, of course. But still.

I have not been doing much with my story. Not sure why I have been avoiding it. Maybe it wasn't sustainable? Maybe not sticking with it more consistently has killed the excitement?

So I'm considering whether to continue with the story or start over with a new one. With more of a framework in place, I might be in a better position to start from scratch and to keep working on it.

Another problem I run into is committing to a writing project. It's like I don't know what kind of story I really want to tell.

Eventually, there comes a time you have to commit to a single writing project, for better or worse. (Kinda like marriage in some ways...without all the crappy parts.)

__ __
Blog Post Typo Tally: 4

Divorce and Star Wars: It Is Unavoidable--It Is My Density...I Mean, My Destiny

My last day of coffee and writing freedom (for this week, anyway). My annoying cat is of course sitting ever so comfortably next to me is HIS spot. 

The big project for today will be putting my house back together again (without the help of all the king's horses and all the kings men). I made a bit of a mess in the process of getting things more in order and clean...if that makes sense. And as an extra surprise, my fridge decided to stop working yesterday. Good thing I hadn't gone grocery shopping yet. I was able to save my food with my cooler and lots of ice. A repairmen came late in the afternoon and was able to fix it...kinda. It's a temporary fix that my not last very long. The part needed for the permanent fix should be her early next week. The fridge seems to be working fine for now, and I have to buy at least some food for when my boys come home tonight. I want our house to be nice and clean and cozy for when they get here.  

The break was fantastic, even though I miss my my boys like crazy.

I can't help but reflect on this new reality, which is not so new anymore...but still kinda is. Although it feels much more normal. I still have this irrational dream of our family coming back together, especially for my boys' sake. It's very reminiscent of my childhood in ways. My parents were divorced when I was about the same age my boys were when my ex and I divorced. And for a long time, I always had this buried down hope my mom and dad would get back together. 

Divorce seems to have dominated and determined my whole life. That's a depressing thought. I can't help but hear Emperor Palpatine whispering in his creepy decrepit Darthly voice that it is my destiny. Fuck you Palpatine. (Sorry for the geek moment...but it is also my destiny...or is that my density?...to be a Star Wars geek.)

My boys have even explicitly expressed their desire to see this happen. They are more bold than I was. They ask me if I love Mommy. That's a tough one to answer. I can answer yes honestly (in a way, I always will; although in a much different way than I did--maybe I'm just a sentimental fool). But saying I love her will not compute for my boys: why, then, we don't we all live in the same house? They have addressed the housing issue and try to understand why we need two houses. These are tough questions, and they will only get more difficult as they become increasing able to express what is going on for them. I just hope to be someone they feel safe to express and share their feelings with.

Also, I have to admit I, at times, miss the person who I used to believe was my very best friend and life partner. Every once in a while, I will encounter something that triggers a memory. And so many of my memories are tied to the past decade when I was with this one person. It's like divorce PTSD--although I do the word a grave injustice because it is not anything close to the experience of people who actual suffer through real PTSD. 

I am in the process of making plans to buy a house, now that things have become more settled. I have most of the loan stuff all worked out. Our little rented townhouse is fine, really. Plenty of space for us, including lots of storage space. The insulation sucks, so I waste a lot of money on heat, gas, and a/c. I also miss having a garage. 

But if I am going to spend so much money to rent, why not pay a mortgage instead, which may be cheaper than renting and will also allow me to build equity?

In the pipe dream, my ex will like this and want to be a part of it. Never mind for now that I have no idea how I could ever trust her again. But the half-baked dream involved rebuilding our life together, working on healing old and very deep wounds, and collaborating to keep our family strong and together above all else. 

That's the fantasy. The reality is my boys and me...and doing all I can to help them to feel, safe, secure, and loved. 

In a way I l also love the concept of just me and boys...and the special bond we have developed. I am so proud of them and worry about them at the same time. 

__ __ __

Blog Post Typo Tally: 0

Freedom VS. Responsibility VS. Self-Guilt-Tripping

I feel somewhat lost without my boys...and yet I love the freedom of being only responsible for me. Of course the ex and I talk to collaborate on issues that come up regarding our boys. 

We had a recent talk about communicating better for the boys' sake, and that seems to have been a positive turning point for how we get along...so far. It's still early, so we'll see.

I have not been as productive this week while the boys have been with their mother as I would have liked. It's been a sort of leisurely productivity. A part of me thinks it was well deserved, another is laying on the guilt trip for how much more I could have gotten down. Chill out, guilt-trip self. I still have two days, in which I can get a lot of stuff done. Jeez.

Still no follow up interview phone call, but I feel one has to be coming. 

In any case, I miss my boys and can't wait to see them again. We get a nice, long 3 day weekend together. Working on some fun plans and activities. 

Job Nibbles and Attack of the Negative Thoughts

Another job nibble...

Progress.

However, I have not heard back from what I thought of as an awesome phone interview last week. I know it is still relatively early. They had other phone interviews to conduct, and then they will meet, if they haven't done so already, to decide who to invite for face-to-face meetings.

But still...paranoia.

I have been combing over everything I remember saying and, of course, considering all the ways in which my responses may have sucked, like a test you thought you did great on but instead received a C...or even D. (I was an A student in college, FYI...congratu-fucking-lations for me, right?).

If I don't hear back next week, I can probably write that one off.

But there is still this more recent one--they have contacted my references but not me yet (assuming they will)--and there are some newer ones I found that I'm pretty excited about. In fact, I need to figure out which ones to prioritize and get to asap.

Commence...more planning. (Talk about uninspiring things to commence.)

So...positive thought! Positive thoughts. Because negative ones just make you feel like shit.

More Ch, Ch, Changes: Persistence + Planning = Payoff

It's a been a reflective week, and I was reminded of a post I wrote about changes, writing, and life transitions last summer.

I'm still working on developing a writing lifestyle. I've made progress. Not as much as I would like, but it's progress. I wrote about a thousands words of my story yesterday. It's still kinda all over the place, but I enjoyed being able to dive into story, instead of outlining, developing background, and so on.

I have also started working out. I seriously have not done so for...I don't even know how long. Stretching, at a minimum, used to be a regular part of my morning routine...I have not even been doing that.

Arguably my boys keep me moving. I have not gained any weight. I may, however, have lost some muscle. But I still did a good deal of push ups and sit ups yesterday. I've always had pretty good upper (and lower) body strength.

As I've said before, I could tone up more. And working out for health reasons is becoming increasingly important. I would not say I am unfit...but I am not exactly fit either.

Been working on a lot of things this week: getting my financial house and my...house house in order.

I have payed off a considerable amount of debt, and that trend will only continue. It feels really good. My credit rating is going back up. This is where values mismatch and marriage can take a heavy toll. If you and your partner's value don't match, especially in terms on financial matters, then...run. Run far, far away. You may feel like you found the one, that this person is the best thing to ever happen to you, completes you...or whatever relationship bliss cliche fits. But without similar values, that stuff will fade. Resentment will grow. I know I've tooted this horn before, but values are probably the most important aspect of a successful long term relationship.

So if you are with someone you really dig...and yet your values don't quite gel, better to rip of the band-aid quickly now.

The hard part is exploring both you and your partner's values. And that process will require deep self-reflection and self-honesty. And humans are self-deception masters.

But I digress.

Things are going in a general positive direction. It has been a slow process, but with perseverance (and a plan), I have come to a point where I can look back, see the progress, and say wow.

Wow.

__ __ __
Blog Post Typo Tally: 2

My New Best Friend: My Annoying Cat

My annoying cat's complete and utter devotion and instance on spending time with me and even, odd as this may seem, comforting me when I am down and missing my boys--maybe he misses them too?--is making it very hard for me to be annoyed with him.

He was my bud before I got married, and he stuck around after the separation and divorce. I can't say the same for...a lot of people. He was there when we brought our new baby boys home and there through the long sleepless nights of caring for infant twins. 

He waited patiently while I focused all my love and affection on my boys, at his expense. It made him depressed at times, too. But I just did not have any energy left to devote to his emotional needs. 

And he was there through this entire...process of transition, despite being largely ignored most of the time. 

Recently, he has taken a more proactive approach to getting his emotional needs met, with an apparent emphasis on unconditional love and forgiveness. 

He simply loves being with me, and he loves my boys (I'd be lucky to find a girl with those traits). I know dogs are all the rage when it comes to loyalty, but my cat has gone above and beyond. 

He's a good cat...perhaps even a good friend. He used to be my "baby" before I had babies, but our roles have changed--we are both older now (and not getting any younger).

Of course, he does still annoys me, but I am sure he can say the same about me.

--
Blog Post Typo Tally: 4

Implementing New Habits

Today....

Starting some new habits. Getting back to working out and meditating chief among them. I plan to develop a plan that will allow me to keep with it during the week when I have my boys. 

The weather is great for a jog. Finally. It's a start. 

Also...the job hunt continues. Finally a nibble, but I'm ever on the prowl to upgrade. 

I simultaneously have to get serious about bringing in some extra income. I need a part-time job. A little more of a cushion would do wonders. Preferable online. There are a few that interest me.

Divorce and the Absolute Awfulness of Missing Your Kids When They Spend a Week With the Ex

My wife just picked up my boys, and the house is quiet and empty. We were at a parade and festival with rides and activities before she arrived. I'm glad we experienced that together before they left. Got lots of great pictures and videos.

They will make me happy and sort of haunt me while they are away.

I won't see them for almost a week...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

...the ex has a little time off from work, so she is taking them for longer than the usual weekend.

I support that. And it's actually part of our legal custody paper work.

Right now, though, I just feel like absolute shit and long for our family to be whole again. Both boys were upset to be leaving without me, while also happy to spend time with their mom. It's very confusing for them.

I do have some plans for the week, mostly in regards to some major spring cleaning and getting ride of crap I don't need. I really want a more minimalist lifestyle. I always have. But I also want to make at least some money off my stuff. 

I will allow myself to enjoy the night off. Some well deserved down time. 

Wings and beer are in my very immediate future. 

Positive Attitudes and Interview Awesomeness

That phone interview went uncommonly well. I will be surprised if I do not get called in for a face-to-face. It might happen soon, which means I need to get my suit ready.

Weird to consider: I could have anew job soon. AND I could be moving soon!

I don't want to get ahead of myself just yet, however. Nothing is guaranteed, and I also have no idea what the salary the for position is. I hope it would exceed what I make now. But it would have to at least equal my current pay. I may consider something slightly lower. Very slightly.

I am in a position where I can turn down an offer. That's a good place to be...and also a good bargaining tool, if they value what I have to offer enough.

I guess I'll cross that road when I get there.

I'm exhausted thinking about another move. I just moved last summer. But it will be worth it if the price is right.

I'm also working on my attitude. I have a tendency to focus on the negative. Not that things have to be all sunshine and roses, but a positive outlook and disposition can turn a dreadful perception into a fun opportunity.

I would even argue practicing mindfulness and cultivating a positive attitude contributed to today's successful phone interview. And I practiced minimally before the interview.

What if I do so on a regular basis. How different would my life be?

I can't help but think the year and a half separation/divorce funk I've been entrenched in is finally fading.

Enter: A New Job Interview...Tomorrow!

How serendipitously odd. Yesterday I mentioned my lack of interviews for the CVs and cover letters I've been sending out. And so, naturally, I got a call for an phone interview today. The actual interview is tomorrow. Excited and nervous. Hope I'm able to fall asleep and get a good night's rest.

New Blog Goal: 182.5 Posts

First off: holy crap, I was fucking tired tonight. Also: despite my aweome annual review, I sometimes feel I suck at my job.

Job search update: time constraints have prevented my from applying to as many as I would have liked. And I'm not even getting interviews for the ones I have applied to. That's a disturbing new trend. Solution: start a better trend.

Almost exactly two months since I started this blog. Weird to consider. Initially, I wanted to write a new post every day. That didn't happen. But...if I churn out 57 posts in the next two months, I will average one post every other day. Kinda like that new goal.

The Price Children Pay For Divorce

My boys are back home, safe, clean, and sleeping happily in their beds. Few things are as satisfying.

I met with the ex briefly when she dropped the boys off at day care. I continue to be baffled by the "fuck you" vibe she always seems to throw my way. It's ever present since probably before I was aware she started to hate me. But it is definitely more pronounced when financial matters are involved...she is somehow bitter at me that she has to pay her share of the boys' expenses--I swear, if I didn't keep track of such things and did not bother to make sure she ponied up, she would conveniently not remember that children are quite expensive...how rudely inconvenient.

And...the exchange seemed to be a difficult one for the boys. They can probably sense her irritation on some level. Her non-verbals speak volumes (and may be confusing for the boys to understand and interpret...why is Mommy so mad when Daddy is here?). Makes me sad for them.

Maybe it really is better that we maintain separate homes...better but not ideal. I firmly believe parents owe it to their children to make the marriage work. That is not the same thing as staying together just because of the children. You have to constantly invest in your family and work through problems, not run away from them. Our boys are now at an emotional, social, and economic disadvantage that is just not fair for them. Life if hard enough.

It just seems so fucking selfish. I am over her, but I struggle with that.

--
Blog Post Typo Tally: 0

Happy Mother's Day...to Single Dads

Both of my sister's independently wished me a half-joking, half-serious Happy Mother's Day. That earned a good laugh...and made me feel good.

It turns out Mother's Day for single dads is kind of a thing. Not as much of a thing, or so it seems to me based on a very brief Google search, as Father's Day for single moms--but I would bet that search is reflective of the general trend.

Most single-parenting information of any kind starts with the assumption that the kids stay with the mother. Very little literature, information, support networks, etc., for single fathers.

I smell a possible new research/writing project.

In any case, someone needs to celebrate and, dare I say, champion us...we few, we happy few, we band of brothers...

*********

Unrelated note: first time I posted two blogs on the same day. 

--

Blog Post Typo Tally: 1

Voice, Typos, Google Music, and the Superfluousness of Pics

Tired this morning, even after getting some stuff done. I have my coffee next to me, which is a given. My annoying cat has weaseled its way into its usual spot next me. And I have started jotting down my thoughts. Except I don't know what to say today. I want to have something to say but my mind isn't cooperating. Bastard.

My post yesterday got me thinking of my prior posts. A reader comment--a rare occurrence in these here parts--complimented my writing voice. It was an awesome compliment--but not the first, in regards to my "voice." Although it has been a loooong time.

The voice compliment inspired me to read several prior posts. I have to say I enjoy what I write. Especially if I had forgotten the post and the things I had said. Maybe that sounds narcissistic, but it does guarantee me one fan.

My posts remain riddled with typos. Still. I fix them when I find them. It's pretty disappointing. But I'm just a terrible typer, and in all honesty, I don't have time for in-depth editing and revising for this particular blog.

I just sort of barf out what comes to mind and then publish it.

*********

Missing my boys today. And I won't be picking them up this afternoon as I normally do on Sundays. The ex actually offered to keep them for an extra day. Wonders never cease. Never mind that soon after she picked them up she wanted to rescind the offer. But I had made plans, and she needs to honor her commitments, especially to our boys. 

I suppose I should call to wish her a happy Mother's Day. Plus, I would like to speak to my boys. I actually got her a mother's day gift. I did it for my boys. I wanted it to be a special day for them. And I wanted them to be involved in the gift giving process. It was a success. I bought something they could make (with my help), and they also got a kick out of writing their name on the card. They were even really excited to give the present to the ex. I was really happy to see that. Kids their age can be very gimme gimme gimme, mine mine mine. So seeing them take pleasure and satisfaction in making and giving gifts was rewarding. I am apparently not raising selfish psychopath misers. That's a plus. 

In any case, it's nice to have a more leisurely Sunday. I can get so much more done today and not have to rush around. 

*********

Another new technological toy. Google fucking Music is awesome. I haven't really tapped into it much until recently because I'm a pretty big audiobook nerd. In fact, I barely listen to music. When I put earbuds in to clean or do other things that don't require sustained and focused attention, such as writing...or parenting, I am listening to an audiobook. 

I used to borrow more audiobooks from the library, but with the advent of digital everything and the ease of listening to books from my phone, CD audiobooks are relatively cumbersome and inconvenient. 

But the awesomeness of Google and their revamped Google Play Music has changed that. Now, I can pop a audiobook CD into my computer, which my iTunes player automatically downloads to my library. The Google Play Music on my laptop then automatically syncs with my iTunes player...and with any other audio files stored on my computer. I can then access the files via Google Play Music from any of my devices...and even download them to a different device.

I've been listening to The Book Thief in this way. Amazing story, I might add. Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book is next. And the best part: free. I'm a bog fan of free. 

Viva la Google revolucion!

*********

I played around with re-introducing pictures into my blog posts. There are a good deal of copyright free and public domain pics. Ultimately, I found the process more time consuming than it's worth. And I questioned my motivation to arbitrarily add a picture. I know people are more visually orientated these days, but I don't think a pic adds anything to my content. And the search wastes time. So, unless there is a good reason to include an image, my blog posts will remain picture-less.

*********

Guess I had more to say than I thought. 

*********

New feature: Blog Post Typo Tally. Every time I find and fix a typo in my published blogs, starting with this one, I will update my Blog Post Typo Tally (to be found at that the bottom of my post).

__
Blog Post Typo Tally: 6

Lights at Ends of Tunnels: They Happen...Fleetingly

Some much needed good news:

Met with my boss for my annual review. Always a nerve-wracking process.

It was glowing. By far the best I've received, perhaps ever. So that was obviously good news that helped ease my nerves.

But it was so much more than that for me. It was amazingly gratifying. My first year as a single dad of twin boys. A move to a new place (and town). Separation and then divorce from my now ex-wife. A year rife with a lot of high stress transitions.

Chief among them, especially in regards to my work, was raising young men by myself and balancing work. It was a really tough juggle. It still is, but I continue to get better at it. Yet, new victories also bring new challenges, as far as child rearing goes.

In any case it was extremely hard and exhausting. I often felt I could not keep up. I often didn't. Prioritizing was key. In that regard, I feel I made good choices.

At my work, we were also going through a bit of a transition, and I took on a lot more responsibilities. To be honest, I liked doing so. I like working hard and feeling I am contributing and helping. But more important, my rising to the occasion was noticed, which does not always happen. But it was.

So the praise from my boss was the culmination of all the hard work and struggle I dealt with this year. One of the most difficult of my life. To be recognized for my efforts was...god, I don't even have the words to describe it.

Raising kids can be both thankless and intensely gratifying and fulfilling. My job can be somewhat isolating in regards to interactions with my co-workers.

So this endorsement of my efforts goes a long way. I have a lot of tweaks I want to make both personally and professionally, but at least now I feel I am moving in the right direction. All my choices and decisions this year have not been great. But that is the price of decision-making. You work with what you have and know at the moment. Only hindsight can sometimes shed greater light. But then you adjust and make new decisions. I did that well, and I made enough initial good decisions to result in a successful year.

Now to keep building on that...and make this current year even better.

Props to the Life Line. Having a sounding board and outlet has been invaluable.

My Annoying Writing Partner, Story Organization, and Separation Anniversary

I have a new writing buddy. My cat. I know it's a bit of a cliche', but it was a reluctant partnership for me.

Back-story: ever since I've had kids, I have not been a particular good cat daddy. Twins take up a LOT of...everything...and I just don't have anything left for the cat. I of course feed it, shelter it, and change its shit box. I buy it toys, etc. Where I lack is love and affection. I just want it to go away and leave me alone. When I do pet it, it's out of pity, not because I want to. I know that sounds cold, but there it is.

Back-back-story: prior to my boys, our cats used to be our babies ("our" being my ex and me). People had baby pictures; we had cat pictures. We used to save cats. At one time we had seven. When the twins were born, we had five. When we moved, there was no way I was going to move two children and five cats, so I found good homes for three (that took a lot of work...I really wanted to find them a good home, and I drove across a state for two of them--so maybe I don't come across as cold anymore). During the separation, my ex and I took one cat each.

So now I just have the one. Begrudgingly. Like I said, I am nice to it out of pity. He gets lonely. He used to have a large cat family and get pets all the time. My boys have actually started to fill the void now that they are getting older (a whopping four years old). They like to pet the cat, which makes me happy. I therefore also have to fake affection and caring for the cat...for my boys. I want them to be loving and respectful of all life, even my annoying cat.

But when the boys are with their mother, I basically want him to stay out of my way. In exchange for food, shelter, and changing the shit box, I expect him to leave me the fuck alone.

The cat does not uphold his end of the bargain. I find him curled up with me when I wake up. And he finds it necessary to sit with me whenever I write. I tried to dissuade him from doing so (see also shove him away). But he always insists on coming back, and I eventually gave in.

I shouldn't have. Now the cat sees it as routine...his right even. When he sees me even begin to sit down to write, he jumps up to his "spot" next to me. I have come to accept it. The effort fighting this development isn't worth it. And he really does just sit there with me unobtrusively. It's really quite endearing.

Note to self: work on becoming less of a grumpy bastard.

*********

Continuing with the story organization and consolidation project. I have over 7,000 words of story and notes in Scriptito. I really like how you can move sections around easily. I think I have another 3000 or so of story and notes scattered around, including handwritten stuff. 

I am looking forward to having an organization method in place. As I said before, this has been my biggest writing obstacle. 

Then I can start digging in hard core.

*********

I have been feeling a little nostalgic lately, although that is not exactly the right word. Can you be nostalgic for past events that sucked?

A year ago this month, my then wife moved out of our house, and I was making plans to vacate. I already had a deposit down for the townhouse we live in now. My year lease is up at the end of this month. Kinda crazy to consider. I will be glad to move to a month-to-month lease. I like the freedom of being able to move, especially if I get a new job. 

I am also looking very seriously into buying a home. I really want one. My ex never did. Values. They matter. If you find it necessary to marry, Make sure you and your partner are one the same page for the really big ones..probably a good deal of the smaller ones too. 

Doing Nothing and Getting Things Dones...At the Same Time...Kinda.

Wasted the morning away...pretty much. In my defense, I needed the rest. I deserve some time to just chill. But I have a harder time convincing myself of that.

Also, in my defense, I did actually get some things done this morning. I did some laundry and general cleaning, both interspersed with a little bit of lounging.

I did get some writing in...kinda. I'm STILL in organization mode. Scriptito is great for helping with that. I have been transferring all my writing, including story, notes, outline, character sketches, into the platform.

I am still not putting as much time into writing as I need to, but it is a work in progress for me.

Also this weekend...more vitas. Last round = fail. What the hell.

Making My Weekends More Productive...While Also Getting Much Needed R & R

The ex picked the boys up a day early for once.

The break is great. I get so exhausted, and I passed out not too long after I got home from work. I had some house cleaning to do, but I do that all the time. I just wanted to chill. And chilling soon turned to sleep. 

I'm still pretty tired this morning. Would love to skip work today, but I can't...and I can get a lot done today

But I just want to sleep. That has become a problem for my weekends when I don't have the boys. Sometimes, I don't get nearly as much done as possible. 

I need to implement some productivity elements into my weekend, instead of leaving them so open...make weekend goals and daily agendas, just like I do at work.

And include time for myself. 

I also really miss my boys when they are gone despite how grateful I am for the break. Coming home to an empty house is depressing. And I see them everywhere in the house...in the things they play with, their favorite spot on the couch, their favorite toys strewn about, their empty beds. I miss them when I wake up. Most, but not all the time, they end up in my bed. I know they are starting to get too old for that...but...I love it. 

Those are some of the weekend obstacles that prevent me from being as productive on the weekends as I would like. 

This weekend, I plan to change that. Or at least start implement habits that will allow me to work on changing it. 

I have been tackling things one at a time. Sometimes I take a step or two back, but I continue to make forward progress. Significant progress too. 

Thanks again for listening, Life Line. And id doing so, allowing me to work through problems that have been bothering me. 

Playing With Scriptito as a Chromebook Alternative to Scrivener

Wrote some, developed the story some, and looked for ways to organize the story more efficiently. I always get stuck at the organization part. It hinders and even halts my writing process.

I was hoping to just dive in and do some writing, but the story is becoming so multifaceted I didn't know where to jump in. Or how.

This is when I have typically been prone to putting off a story or just starting on a new idea. So investing time into some kind of organization system, while not time spent on the actual story, is time well spent.

The problem is my Chromebook, in a sense.

I have really come to love writing on it. It has become my preferred way for writing in general. I like the ease and simplicity. I can log on fast and get to work. It minimizing distraction for me. I even created a separate account within the Chromebook that is solely focused on writing. No other easily accessible web distractions (well, not AS easily accessible).

 One big drawback is not being able to use Scrivener, which I have only fairly recently discovered. No one can deny the utility. But there is no web version, and I cannot download the software onto the Chromebooks. So I've been looking for and experimenting with alternatives.

I just found what may be the best online alternative yet: Scriptito.

I've been playing around with it some, and I think it may be the tool I have been looking for. Still some kinks to work out.

I am liking it so far, but the jury is still out.

Mind Excavation, Wasted Ideas, Manuscript Goal, and the Writing Curse

Worked on my story some more this morning. No specific word count. I am still working out details, characters, relationship, conflicts, etc., to support and build on the parts of the story I've written so far. This may result in changes to what I've written, but that's why it's called revision.

And, as I work on the world building stuff, spurts of scenes and dialogue continue to emerge. It really is more like excavation than creation. Maybe that really is want the creation process is--mind excavation.

I am not sure how the pieces will fit together. But that, really, is part of the fun.

I was a little pissed off as I started to write this morning. Maybe pissed off is too strong. Miffed? Frustrated?

Anyway, I had a slew of ideas in the middle of the night a few days ago. I was going to jot them down, but I was concerned I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep. I have been having troubles with waking up in the middle of the not and not being able to fall asleep, and it's been taking a toll. So I decided to go back to sleep.

The next day: busy. Didn't jot down notes. Next thing I know, it's the weekend, and I have pretty much all but lost those ideas.

I have to record those ideas right away from now on.

I still have not been able to write on a daily basis. I feel I am getting closer to the point of being able to. It's been another pretty hectically, crazy semester. It always is, and there is always something new.

Time to stop making excuses and instead create a plan that will allow me to write every day. EVERY DAY. No exceptions.

I have, at least, committed to this story, regardless of the outcome. My goal is to finish the manuscript by the end of the year. I think that is a reasonable goal.

Maybe not polished by then, but something I will be able to claim as a finished novel manuscript. That seems too far off.

One word at a time.

I would love for someone else to love it and then publish it. But writing really is a labor of love. I do it because I can't not. It's almost a curse.

Writing First Thing in the Morning: Creating More Time...Which is Somehow Never Enough

I wrote today. First thing this morning. 1823 words. That's quite a bit and more than I anticipated.

Once I get going, I can just keep going, as ideas and writing leads to more ideas and writing

I'm in an idea mode right now, working mostly on more background stuff, but also some dialogue interspersed.

I added some new elements, which I believe give more depth and background to the story. And provide ways to branch off and connect with some of my other proto-story ideas...as if they all exist within one universe.

I'm reminded of how Asimov combined his Robot and Foundations series. Stephen King tends to do that as well. It really kinda makes sense. All this stuff lives in our heads, which are, really, our own desperate  little realities we have constructed for ourselves.

I also went back and forth between ideas that had been germinating in another story. I felt it important to record those ideas. I have ideas all the time that I plan to jot down but never do...and then, of course, I loose those ideas.

But I also think they are still there...somewhere, banging around in mind, begging for expression, combining with other ideas.

I'm a very idea-driven person and writer, which has it's pros and cons. I can be too big and global and neglect the local and more nuanced, detail stuff that really makes scenes and characters come alive.

But I also believe I am getting better with the detail...and will continue to do so.

The best part of starting and finish writing so early is that...it's still early. I have a lot of things to do today. I got some things done yesterday, but I also felt it important to take it easy for once. I can't keep going and going.

I sort of wish I could have more time to myself this weekend, to get more things done and perhaps, get ahead for once. Easter...isn't particularly meaningful to me. But I do want it to be special for my boys. And I want them to have time with their cousins. We don't get to see them nearly as often as I would like.

Jim VS. Jim

This was a hell of a busy past two weeks--thank you very much, ex-wife, for your usual lack of help in raising our children.

I mean, I love them like crazy, and I would not under any circumstances have it any other way (in regards to the custody situation, that is), but that pace with no breaks for so long is really...hard (#lamedescription). And those two week stretches aren't exactly uncommon.

Although I am getting better at the whole single parent gig in general.

In some ways I'm even enjoying it. I feel my boys and I have come to a kind of Kramer VS. Kramer place: we've gotten past the trying-to-figure-out-how-to-make-this-divorce-thing-work phase and have progressed to a stable routine that has become...kinda beautiful and special (I couldn't find a video clip for the latter).

I've learned so much about being a dad...and a person. The situation, being solely responsible for two tiny people, forces me to be more conscious of everything I do and how it affects my boys (and others). There is no one else to share the load with. No time when I can take even a little break to collect myself. I am always out there in the open for those boys to see. Completely naked and vulnerable. And they watch, copy, and emulate me constantly. Everything I do is scrutinized.

I've learned trying to impose some kind of uber-self-control is impossible, unrealistic, and simply does not work.

To be more in control, I have to surrender control, surrender part of myself and just be more present and in the moment. Lean to enjoy the moment, regardless of the situation.

And that process also entails continuous, intentional practice. But it works. And through giving so much of myself to them, I have found this awesome part of myself that I did not know was there...that I like. And I think I have not liked myself for a while now.

I teach my boys new things every day. And I take such pleasure in helping them to expand, develop, grow...and watch them accomplish new things. It's so very exciting for all of us.

I, in turn, have also expanded, developed, and grown...so much more than I could have anticipated.

And while I am grateful for a break today, I already miss my boys, and I can't wait to see them tomorrow. We've become very close.

That being said, I still have a lot to learn.

And I'm still having difficulty keeping up with my writing. But I keep striving toward that goal.

And I will continue to do that. I will get there.

Sinuses and Alternate Realities...and Writing

Tired as hell. This cold is really kicking my ass. I hear the alluring call of a nap...and more Kleenex.

On hardcore good drugs. Legal ones. 

Writing has suffered this week. Big shock. 

But there has also been progress: I wrote a good deal on my tablet via my stylus...as if I was writing on notebook paper. Enjoyed it. And it worked well. AND I don't have to transcribe anything. 

I've been dying to get back to this blog...but now I just don't have anything to say.

The cold is sucking all my words into a black hole...filled with mucus. It's like a black hole/mucus cornucopia...if such a thing were possible. 

Maybe the physics from an alternate reality somehow converged in my sinuses. 

World Building: Both Fictional and...Non-Fictional

The plotting, background, and world building continues. Did some this morning. Did a lot yesterday throughout the day wherever I was at, including while waiting for an oil change, thanks to my trusty notebook.

I am feeling a need to write some scenes soon. I have to balance the outline with actual story writing. And the work week is coming, so my output will be limited...probably for a while, as the Easter Holiday season approaches.

But I will fit it what I can. And I do want to post daily blogs, even if they very short. My tablet will be very handy in that regard.

Time to get back to work. More things to get done before I pick up my boys. Been doing a lot to make this place more efficient for them and me.

And some more vitae to get out! Some excellent jobs I'm pretty excited about.

Bringing the Peripheral Back to the Forefront: A New Daily Fiction Writing Goal

I am making a shift in my writing habits. Since I have recommitted--once again--to writing more frequently, I figured I would rather put that time and energy into fiction.

It started a few days ago when, instead of writing a new blog post, I revisited the all but abandoned story I started for NaNoWriMo. I was fun getting back into it, and I liked the stuff I had previously written...love it when that happens.

I credit the Life Line for re-sparking my focus on writing (yet again). Writing begets more writing. And returning to my story got my gears spinning and writing juices flowing. I started carrying around a notebook to jot down ideas. And that night I dove into a book I bought a long time ago but never really cracked open: The 101 Habits of Successful Novelists. It's way better than I anticipated. Excellent advice from writing on a multitude of writing-related issues. It was also inspiring. The anecdotes about single parents who were able to create time to write in particular helped me to feel less woe as me and more I can totally do this!

**Aside: I also found a related PDF: The 25 Habits of Highly Successful Writers--now downloaded and saved (Google Drive win!)**

So far, I've continued with the trend, and I set a daily writing goal of 300 words--totally manageable--that will result in a novel manuscript in a year or less (I will often go well past that minimum, but especially during the busy work week, that achievable goal will allow me to keep in the story and keep at it). Breaking a novle down into achievable chunks is key and way less intimidating.

I also starting addressing where I always get stuck with my stories: structure. I needed an outline. At some point, I just have chunks of stories that become muddled and directionless.

This morning, I sketched the start of an outline, and it was pretty awesome and even kinda powerful. It was not at all and did not hamper the creative process, which accounted for my long held anti-outline stance. For me, it served to facilitate and expand the creative process. It forced me to think much more about characters and settings and scenes. As I dove more into the story outline, bits of scenes and dialogue surfaced, which I jotted down as I went. I worked through some interesting problems and issues too. Story outline win!

I wrote it all by hand. Another new discovery--or rather rediscovery. For me, writing with a pen and  and paper allows for more creativity. More accurately, a different kind of creativity than typing on a keyboard.

Organization is another issue I have struggles with, especially if I am composing on paper. It is all too easy to let your story become scattered. Especially for me. I am inherently disorganized. But I use a lot of tools to compensate for this. Why not apply the same to my stories? I fished out an old three ring binder and viola, instant organization.

Such a hindsight no-brainer. It is, of course, wrong, inaccurate, and unfair to blame my ex for, well, lots of things...and yet, so much at least seems more clear with her out of the picture. Well, less out of the picture anyway. She will probably always be a part of my life.

I also realized I do enjoy writing these blog and just getting my thoughts out there, even if no one reads it. It feels productive. And it's just good writing practice. I can dredge through all the monkey mind crap.

And...I just like writing and writing about writing. I always have. A shame I allowed it to become such a peripheral part of my life for so long.

Navigating Sick Kids, Single-Parenting, and Missing Work

I took yet another sick day today.

One of my boys woke up sick, so I needed to keep him home. At their age, convincing my other non-sick boy to go to day care can be a challenge. But I can deal with that. And it is really important to emphasize persistence and a diligent work ethic. I do not want to foster skipping school willy nilly. I want them to understand that missing a day as a big deal and only allowable when absolutely necessary. I want them to carry that same ethic into their eventual work lives.

One of the more difficult secrets of single-parenting is handling sick days. Day care is basically germ paradise, so sick days will happen. I do a pretty good job of keeping the germs at bay. But even so, I take a good deal--way more than if I didn't have kids. If you were an employer, which worker would you prefer?

With twins, if...when a viral cold strikes, they tend not to get it at the same time--so one will be sick for two to three days and then the other will catch it and be sick for another two to three days. This may translate to me missing a full  week of work. Yes that has happened, and will probably happen again in the future.

I am extremely fortunate to have an understanding boss who also happens to have kids around my age. This year, luck, in terms of the timing of colds--close to the weekend or holidays--also seemed to play a role.

I also have a good relationship with my boss, and I am pretty reliable in all other respects.

But bottom line: there is always the threat of pushing it too far. What if they get a really nasty cold that keeps me home longer?

When my wife and I were together, we had a nanny for this very reason. We were simply missing work too often due to the boys getting colds from day care. After we got the nanny, our boys practically never got sick.

Post-divorce, I can't afford a nanny, and I also felt it important for the boys to get more social interaction, as well as some of the educational benefits of day care.

So what about single parents with less understanding bosses? I would guess many loose jobs for this reason.

I am very luck in many regards. My boys are extremely healthy (knock on wood). I don't have to deal with chronic health or developmental issues. I'm not even sure what I would do if I did.

It's looking like I will have to keep my boy home again tomorrow. I do have some other resources and a social support networks to tap into. They are minimal but there.

Like I said, I am among the more fortunate single parents...

Checking Your Phone in the Middle of the Night = Sleep Deprivation

Woke up entirely too early today. A bad habit of mine: I wake up in the middle of the night for...whatever reason, check the time on my phone, and then I'll sometime check out an email or look up the weather. Something stupid that is not particular pertinent at such an hour. And once you start down the dark...fiddling with your phone path, forever will it dominate your destiny.

Checking things on my phone begets more checking of more things on my phone. I then find myself unable to fall asleep, planning my day, and thinking of all the things I need to get done.

I am even aware of this issue. In the midst of phone fiddling, a part of me is telling myself to stop before it's too late, before I will be unable to fall back asleep. Another part of my is insisting I check my calendar and then read the interesting article linked to a periodical I subscribe too.

And viola, I am awake. I'm tired, exhausted even. But awake.

Thusly and therefore: this habit is incompatible with my productivity goals. It's a habit I need to change. And I need a plan.

The plan will be something like: do not check your phone until the moment you plan to wake up. Sooo...I need a more precise wake up time. While I tend to get up early, the time varies. I need to establish a set morning wake up time and stick to that--and not try to wake up earlier to get stuff done.

Inter-connectivity: my morning plan is inexorably connected to my evening and bed time plan. I need to create a schedule and systematize these things...while also allowing for flexibility.

My night plan is intertwined in my work productivity, which is intertwined with this and that and everything else.

One step at a time. Phone usage at night. I'll start there

Love Versus Hysterical Delight

I may start writing daily blog posts again. Even if they are pretty short. I'll get to the longer ones on the weekend.

The boys loved their room. Hysterical delight may be the better descriptor. I did a bang up job making it comfortable, cozy, cool, welcoming, and fun. Yeah me.

The rest of the house is still kinda all over the place. But such is the price. I'll knock that out gradually during the week, and then get some heavy duty cleaning and reorganizing done next weekend.

My ex and I seem to be getting along better. That's good. I'm sure there are rough patches and ex-lover spats to come. But I think--hope--the worst is behind us.

Stuff: The Folly of Being Overly Ambitious and the Benefits of Ransacking Your Home

House overhaul project well underway.

I had to basically ransack the place. I have a LOT of crap. This project dovetails into my organizational and productivity projects (ongoing).

Others things I wanted to do this weekend suffered, unfortunately. But I can get some things done at work too (kinda the point of having a J O B). My goal is to keep my work work at work as much as possible.

The overhaul is also an effort to make my home more efficient on multiple levels.

One of the problems is that after the separation I moved from a much larger to a smaller townhouse. The townhouse actually has a lot of excellent storage space. But I kinda of crammed all my stuff from my old place into those spaces and forgot about it, as I dealt with adjusting to new tasks of juggling work and single-parenting.

That I have not used most of this stuff for so long is a testament to the superfluousness of the vast majority of my forgotten crap. But I also found a good deal of useful stuff I have forgotten about. This is an organization issue. Then of course there is the in-between stuff. But I can sort that all out later.

This is just the beginning.

I am hoping to sell most all of the crap to bring in some extra cash. But I have also been attracted to the idea of a minimalist life...and home. Selling it all will take time and get in the way of my minimalist agenda. But I just can't bring my self to simply get rid of it all in one big, sweeping altruistic gesture. Raising twins is expensive, and any extra income helps. Plus this IS the spring cleaning season, and I see a yard sale in the not to distant future. And eBay...craigslist...yadda yadda,

But also...I'm kinda looking forward to this overhaul project. Very much in-line with a sort of post-divoce metaphorical rebirth.

Breaking the projects down into achievable chucks is key. That can actually be a challenge for me. When I start something, I tend to keep going and going and making the job bigger and bigger and more complex and convoluted. Sort of what happened this weekend. The drive to get it all done is good. But that approach is unfocused and can be counter-productive. And worse--it can lead to procrastination. If something feels too huge, it can feel intimidating--and thus, Netflix becomes all too alluring.

I like being productive. I woke up early today to get started. More in line with the time I wake up during the work week.

I don't feel any less alert. In fact, there is plenty of research pointing out how sleeping in on the weekends makes you more tired. A regularly, consistent sleep cycle is ideal.

The countdown to showing my boys their newly updated big boy room has begun. I feel a bit of the time pressure creeping, but I am looking forward to seeing their excited little faces.

Getting them to calm down to go to bed may be a bit...challenging.