Non-Homogenized Writing...and Digging into Dissertation Revisions

 Hello, old friend. 

I have been rediscovering my love of writing, and it has been everything. I have forgotten how much I love it, and how much it is central to who and how I am and how much it energizes me like nothing else. 

How much of a lifeline it has been for me for so much of my life, hence this stupid little blog I started way back in 2013 when I was going through a divorce, heartbroken, and somehow trying to figure out how to be a single parent to then three-year-old twin sons. 

I was so incredibly overwhelmed, which is an understatement. But then I started and wrote here almost weekly for a year, and it was everything to me. It got me through it somehow in a way just journaling to myself was not. Something about sharing them publicly had an additional power of effect that kept me going. 

It was also a pseudonym I created, which allowed me to just write and say whatever the fuck I wanted, unfiltered. I loved it. 

But I got away from it. Life moved on. I healed. The Life Line didn't have the same place, the same need in my life as it did when I started it, so it faded away. 

I have returned to writing so, so many times over the years. I never stopped, but I also never fully committed how I had wanted to. 

I was 38 when I started that...and here I am all these years later, 51. My kids are 16 going on 17, juniors in high school, and thriving. They are so fucking smart, I can barely believe it. And way, waaaay better students than I was in high school. So smarter than me in every way. And taller. 

I have found love again after my divorce, which it felt like I never would. Lost that love. And I am finding love again...I think...with another woman. 

But love feels, idk, different at 51 than it did even in my 40s, after 11 years with one woman, 9 of them married, and then another what...7 or 8 with another. Two decades of women I was deeply in love with, one of which is the mother of my children. 

Both of those relationships were so incredibly different. I loved them when I loved them both very much and very differently. And I can look back and see the obviously glaring problems in both...retrospectively. 

What a dumb fucking fool I was. But such is life. I have regrets and no regrets at the same time. 

Amor fati. A new favorite saying and just life...philosophy. Love your fate. 

The decisions you made in the past, the things you did and didn't do were the only things you could have ever done in those moments in that time and who you were in that moment. 

So why not accept it and love it all. 

So anyway, I have been writing again, as I was saying. 

I am diving back AGAIN into my fucking dissertation, starting to revise, again, chapter one, which I have put on hold for way too fucking long because of my crazy job that I both love and...I don't want to say hate. I don't hate it. I actually find it extremely challenging and engaging, and I like that about it quite a bit. And I have great support. For now. 

But god damn...I have had so many jobs go wrong, usually for social reasons. Something about me. Autism. ADHD. All that. And the risk of that happening again is just always there. 

That's actually what my dissertation is about. I won't go into that now. This may not even be the place for that at all.

But as I was diving back into revisions for chapter one, based on feedback from my dissertation chair, I wanted to write about it. 

I have a newsletter which is sort of an adjunct effort to go along with my dissertation and connect to my larger framework of hero psychology. 

But I didn't want to use that forum for this. 

As I have been writing more, I've been playing with the idea of blogging again for another, different writing outlet, to just say what I want. 

My newsletter writing is much more public now...with my measly 24 subscribers. But a lot of people read it, friends, family, coworkers, so it is more professional-facing, and in that way curated and inhibited. I can't just write without being too...careful with wording and my professional persona. I can't just go, which is what I love and what I loved previously about the Life Line. It was just free-form getting the shit out of my head and sharing it with whoever the fuck. 

So here I am again, Life Line. I guess I feel I am needing you again. My kids are so independent now, and they will be adults and out of the home sooner than I can even imagine. It will go by so fast. A reality I could not even fathom in 2013 as I struggled nearly every day to just keep up with those little three-year-old monkeys. I don't even know how I did it sometimes. But I did, and I feel so fucking great about it. 

Yes, I'm swearing a lot. Fuck you, that is what the Life Line is about. So I just want this place back to just write and get my thoughts out, chronicle my dissertation, and write about whatever I want. 

I don't need a well-thought-out mission statement as to why. 

I wish I didn't let my last girlfriend know about this pseudonym and blog, but I did. I am not sure if she follows or subscribes or cares. But it compromises my writing anonymity to some degree. 

But really, it would not be so very hard to discover my identity if anyone took a moment to try. But I doubt anyone will care enough to do so. Not for an old crook like me.

I use AI to help me write these days. Usually to polish things and sometimes with structure or how to better say something. But this will be totally AI-free (well, remain AI free, really, since AI wasn't even a writing tool option in any of my previous Life Line posts). Well, maybe not totally. I am a bad typer, and it works great as a glorified spell checker. But otherwise, unfiltered, free-flowing non-homogenized bullshit, from me to whatever comes across it and takes a moment to waste their time. 

Blogging as Procrastination

 This is the last summer of classes for my Ph.D. program. Good. I am more than happy to be done with classes. Forever. My sister calls me a lifetime student. I get her criticism. But I will always be a lifetime student, classes or not. But I am super glad to be done with classes. 

Honestly, classes are bullshit. I am just jumping through hopes to get this degree. I am learning new things, but I don't necessarily feel the assignments we do contribute much to that learning. Mostly I want the degree for my career. But I also want to learn how to be better at my career. Not sure we quite get there at times. 

I should be doing homework right now, but I'm in an "I don't feel motivated to do anything right now" funk. 

Except write another blog post, I guess. Two posts within the same week. A bit shocking. It was good to do that post a couple days ago. I wrote it a local coffee shop by where I live, with an iced latte with a couple shots of sugar-free vanilla. That has been my long-time favorite coffee drink since the 90s. And the taste can take me back. I currently like blogging better than journaling...for now. A little sick of my journal. But I have to obviously censor myself more for a blog. 

Anyway, the weekend has been a waste in terms of the homework I wanted to do. I was tired after my work trip to the West Coast. Maybe some jet lag, too. So maybe give myself a break. But that work still needs to get done. So that will be my focus today. But I also get my son back today, and there other house chores that need to get done. 

I can struggle when I have to manage multiple things like that. 

My Father's Ghost & 10 Years of the Life Line

I watched my father die. 

Well, no, I didn't. But kinda. 

I watched his spirit die. I saw him break. And he died ten years later after he moved to Greece by himself. Without his family. 

But he died alone in the condo he had there. 

We barely talked after he moved. I was 10. He died when I was 20. My 50s are coming quick. He was 62 when he died. Not all that much older than me. Too young to die. 

I'd like to make it to 100. About more 50 years of life for me. That's a good number. A healthy 100, too. I don't want 20 years of miserable sickness and immobility. 

I'm a father now. Teenage boys. Except I'm there for them. That's very important to me. The most important thing for me. I have sacrificed a lot of my own happiness to be a present father. Stuck in a town I despise. It's mutual. Just not a good fit for me. 

My boys need me less than they did when they were younger. It's good. They are such smart, handsome boys with so much going for them. They can be anything they want. But they need a lot of guidance. From me. 

Middle school is when I basically didn't have parents anymore, and I think it really put me at a disadvantage. I wish I had some guidance leading into adulthood. 

What am I writing about? Why am I even writing?

I think because I miss writing. 

This blog used to be such a great outlet for me. At a time when I was really struggling. Those days feel far away now. They are far away now. 

Today is actually the 10 year anniversary of the Lifeline. I honestly didn't realize that or plan to write a 10 year anniversary post or anything like that. I haven't even written a Lifeline blog post in a couple years.

But I felt this need to write a new blog today. An interesting coincidence. I do writing for school and work, and it feels like work, and I hate it. I never do writing I like. I journal, but it's not the same. There's something about the publicness of a blog.

I like my job but can feel sick of it (I guess as one does) and have gotten somewhat of a promotion, so I guess I am doing something right. I needed that win after the disaster of the last institution I was at. It still burns.

I found another job I am very interested in. Probably send that application off at the end of this weekend. The next step for me. A dean position. I have been directing for several years now.

The Life Line was inspired by loneliness, I think, along with a big life crisis I was working through (i.e., divorce).  

My dad died a broken and lonely man, and I hate that. 

And there is a recognition I could be that. I am a bit reclusive like him. I have his general disposition. People can really bother me. Sounds awful, right? 

But I love people and helping people at the same time. 

As my kids become more independent, I feel an impending loneliness. And not just impending. I feel it now, too. 

Too many men wind up old and alone. And I don't want that for myself. 

How do I create more support in an area where I don't really fit? How do I find my person? 

My dad has always haunted me in this way...I do not want to be like him. I already am not him. But I still can be. I guess. I fear that. 

The Lifeline lets me just write without filter. I may use it again for that. I have said this before. 

Regardless of if I write again next week or next year or never, happy tenth. 

So Many Life Transitions in a Short Amount of Time...and Dune

 So so much has changed since my last post. My girlfriend and I did end up breaking up. She dumped me about a month after my last post. That was fucking rough as shit. I love her (not past tense) deeply. We had a lot of hard conversations. Skip ahead several months, and we are at a new place now with things--we are calling it good friends. Which we are. I think we just really care about and love each other, but we don't know how to deal with the long distance. Especially when a hard situation comes up, like it did. But we are hanging out again. We have even made out...and more.

We are intentionally not really exploring what it means. I think we both agree that might best for now. And I am just truly grateful to spend time with her when we can. We'll see how this develops.

I also got a new job and quit my old job. I came to fucking hate--I mean HATE--my prior job. But so far I really love my new job and the institution. A really nice and more reputable small, liberal rats college.

Did I ever mention I am working on a PhD now? In Higher Education Administration. Been eyeing this program a long time. A good time with my boys getting older and more independent. Almost 12! Second year in the program.

And, big reveal, I have Asperger's. Recently officially diagnosed. Technically ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder).

I meditate every day now. Been loving the practice. I run just about every day. Two miles. I've picked up moderate lifting again (I used to lift a lot when I was younger--much younger).

There has just been a ton of changes going on for me, and I feel better about things and about myself than I have in a long time. 

And I have been thinking about getting back into writing and blogging. So here I am. Hope to make it a regular thing again. 

Final side note: saw the new Dune move with a new buddy last night at an IMAX theater. (Been working on making new frienda as well...making some headway there.) One of my all-time favorite stories. The movie was so very good. Been thinking about it all day. Go see it! 

A Break, Another Life Transition

We're officially on a break, effective today. I have been with the most wonderful woman since 2016. 

It's my fault. 

Things were going well prior to this...unexpected crisis, but the ongoing struggles of a long distance relationship can be very hard. Especially as you fall more deeply in love and strongly feel you should be spending your life with this person. But circumstances continue to keep you apart.

I screwed up. I lied. 

Sit on that for a moment.

I don't know if the break will become a break up. I think no one really ever knows that. A break obviously is not a sign things are great. But I made a selfish mistake. Not an infidelity. Not getting into specifics. But that's what happened. And it's been a stressful week for us as we've tried to processes this together.

I am hopeful the break will allow us to come back together. Maybe stronger than ever. But it may just be prelude to something more permanent.

Either way, I have to live with my mistake. My shitty behavior. A lie can be a small thing. But it grows so fast. And you lie more to cover up the lie. 

I do not feel very good about myself. Truth is I have not felt so good for a while. I haven't been able to understand why. But this whole thing has helped me...forced me, really...to really get under the hood and look at what's been banging around in there. Sometimes you really want to ignore that loud banging. Hope it will just stop. I wondered if a COVID thing. But I don't think that's it either. Probably several things that have converged and come to a head. 

And this relationship crisis really pushed it into full gear. I am considering therapy for myself, along with other serious self-work. 

I don't know exactly what a break means. I think it can mean different things to different couples. Are we even still a couple? In a way. I guess. You can't be on a break if there isn't a thing there to break from. Right?

I will really miss her and struggle with this loss. I will work to not pester her. To give her the space she is asking for.

And I will really dive into what the hell is going on for me. Maybe the Life Line can be a tool to help me look at that.

I have a new tablet, so busting out a quick blog post might be easier than ever.

I am also interested in talking about new developments with my productivity systems. That kind of thing goes well with self work. 

So...a new life transition. And all that comes with that. 

Happy Valentine's Day. Happy 2021. 

Why I Write: Another Bullshit Essay on this Tired Topic

Just finished class. The second semester of my second Ph.D. program. No, I am not going for two PhDs. I never finished the first. What a fucking loser. But I don't feel like a loser. Most of the time. 

But this post isn't an exploration into my perceived loser status. Your mileage may vary. It's about writing, assholes (for those who lean loser). 

This second doctoral attempt is both challenging my writing output and rekindling my writing passion. In unexpected ways. 

I've had to completely reconceptualize what writing means to me. Not by choice. And not an intentional endeavor. 

So what the fuck does writing mean to me? 

To be continued...

Lifelining Through a PhD Program and Other Recent Life Transitions

I have been feeling the need to return to my blog posts. I am feeling a need for the lifeline again. I am at something of a crossroads and a new life transition on several levels, and that is what the Lifeline had started out as. A major life transition, a divorce and single-parenting twin sons (baby-toddlers). I was overwhelmed. Heartbroken. Feeling very alone in the world. But I had written. I had this blog, and it helped. I am now sure exactly why. But I was inspired to start this blog then, back in 2013. Gosh, so long ago now. 

And it helped. It really did.

But I really LOVE the idea of using writing to work through life transitions. 

There are other transitions I am dealing with as well. Some of the societal, that we are all dealing with...hello pandemic and fascist, dictator seeking to throughout our democratic process to stay in power. It is scary stuff. 

My stepfather passed, and my sisters and I have taken on their financial burden and care for my mother. There is so much there I don't even know where to begin. 

My boys are 10 now. Tweens. My girlfriend says they are tweens now. And I guess that is accurate. They are certainly these budding men now, still clinging on the childhood. And I feel behind in catching up to that reality. they ingrained in my head as toddlers, but that really short-changes them. This is much easier than those toddler years. And with the pandemic and social distancing, it has been a luxury that they always have someone to play with: each other. But I also feel such sorry they can't stretch their social wings more. At an age this is becoming more important. 10. I have very vivid memories of being 10. The year the Bears won the Superbowl (Easier enough to calculate my age now). 

I have continued to be with the same girl I initially wrote about a couple years back. Fours years together now. Just celebrated our four year anniversary. It's a long-distance relationship. That has had challenges we both struggle with. I love her deeply, and we so lovee being together. And people who see us together see how in love we are and how contented we are together. She has brought such tremendous love into my life, among so many other things. But it is tragic, in ways. We can't be together more as we would like. We continued to work through that. And we are doing it. 

I have switched jobs. I am the Director of another program at another school. Starting year three of this job. 

My ex-wife has remarried. The woman she initially cheated on me with and left me for. Her wife is actually great with my kids, and I love that. But there is an odd tension I am not certain how to make sense of or handle. 

AND I started a Ph.D. program. In Higher Education Administration. Blending that into the mix is difficult. I feel overwhelmed. But...I am doing it. 

I have always liked the free form and public anonymity of this blog. This Writing. This Lifeline. I don't spend to much time edited. I just release what Natalie Goldberg refers to as the monkey mind as it comes to me. And I am a terrible typer...so always typos. Always. 

So here it is. My first Lifeline blog post in years. Will this help me as it did then? Will I stick with it? I guess we'll see.