Jim VS. Jim

This was a hell of a busy past two weeks--thank you very much, ex-wife, for your usual lack of help in raising our children.

I mean, I love them like crazy, and I would not under any circumstances have it any other way (in regards to the custody situation, that is), but that pace with no breaks for so long is really...hard (#lamedescription). And those two week stretches aren't exactly uncommon.

Although I am getting better at the whole single parent gig in general.

In some ways I'm even enjoying it. I feel my boys and I have come to a kind of Kramer VS. Kramer place: we've gotten past the trying-to-figure-out-how-to-make-this-divorce-thing-work phase and have progressed to a stable routine that has become...kinda beautiful and special (I couldn't find a video clip for the latter).

I've learned so much about being a dad...and a person. The situation, being solely responsible for two tiny people, forces me to be more conscious of everything I do and how it affects my boys (and others). There is no one else to share the load with. No time when I can take even a little break to collect myself. I am always out there in the open for those boys to see. Completely naked and vulnerable. And they watch, copy, and emulate me constantly. Everything I do is scrutinized.

I've learned trying to impose some kind of uber-self-control is impossible, unrealistic, and simply does not work.

To be more in control, I have to surrender control, surrender part of myself and just be more present and in the moment. Lean to enjoy the moment, regardless of the situation.

And that process also entails continuous, intentional practice. But it works. And through giving so much of myself to them, I have found this awesome part of myself that I did not know was there...that I like. And I think I have not liked myself for a while now.

I teach my boys new things every day. And I take such pleasure in helping them to expand, develop, grow...and watch them accomplish new things. It's so very exciting for all of us.

I, in turn, have also expanded, developed, and grown...so much more than I could have anticipated.

And while I am grateful for a break today, I already miss my boys, and I can't wait to see them tomorrow. We've become very close.

That being said, I still have a lot to learn.

And I'm still having difficulty keeping up with my writing. But I keep striving toward that goal.

And I will continue to do that. I will get there.