Divorce and Star Wars: It Is Unavoidable--It Is My Density...I Mean, My Destiny

My last day of coffee and writing freedom (for this week, anyway). My annoying cat is of course sitting ever so comfortably next to me is HIS spot. 

The big project for today will be putting my house back together again (without the help of all the king's horses and all the kings men). I made a bit of a mess in the process of getting things more in order and clean...if that makes sense. And as an extra surprise, my fridge decided to stop working yesterday. Good thing I hadn't gone grocery shopping yet. I was able to save my food with my cooler and lots of ice. A repairmen came late in the afternoon and was able to fix it...kinda. It's a temporary fix that my not last very long. The part needed for the permanent fix should be her early next week. The fridge seems to be working fine for now, and I have to buy at least some food for when my boys come home tonight. I want our house to be nice and clean and cozy for when they get here.  

The break was fantastic, even though I miss my my boys like crazy.

I can't help but reflect on this new reality, which is not so new anymore...but still kinda is. Although it feels much more normal. I still have this irrational dream of our family coming back together, especially for my boys' sake. It's very reminiscent of my childhood in ways. My parents were divorced when I was about the same age my boys were when my ex and I divorced. And for a long time, I always had this buried down hope my mom and dad would get back together. 

Divorce seems to have dominated and determined my whole life. That's a depressing thought. I can't help but hear Emperor Palpatine whispering in his creepy decrepit Darthly voice that it is my destiny. Fuck you Palpatine. (Sorry for the geek moment...but it is also my destiny...or is that my density?...to be a Star Wars geek.)

My boys have even explicitly expressed their desire to see this happen. They are more bold than I was. They ask me if I love Mommy. That's a tough one to answer. I can answer yes honestly (in a way, I always will; although in a much different way than I did--maybe I'm just a sentimental fool). But saying I love her will not compute for my boys: why, then, we don't we all live in the same house? They have addressed the housing issue and try to understand why we need two houses. These are tough questions, and they will only get more difficult as they become increasing able to express what is going on for them. I just hope to be someone they feel safe to express and share their feelings with.

Also, I have to admit I, at times, miss the person who I used to believe was my very best friend and life partner. Every once in a while, I will encounter something that triggers a memory. And so many of my memories are tied to the past decade when I was with this one person. It's like divorce PTSD--although I do the word a grave injustice because it is not anything close to the experience of people who actual suffer through real PTSD. 

I am in the process of making plans to buy a house, now that things have become more settled. I have most of the loan stuff all worked out. Our little rented townhouse is fine, really. Plenty of space for us, including lots of storage space. The insulation sucks, so I waste a lot of money on heat, gas, and a/c. I also miss having a garage. 

But if I am going to spend so much money to rent, why not pay a mortgage instead, which may be cheaper than renting and will also allow me to build equity?

In the pipe dream, my ex will like this and want to be a part of it. Never mind for now that I have no idea how I could ever trust her again. But the half-baked dream involved rebuilding our life together, working on healing old and very deep wounds, and collaborating to keep our family strong and together above all else. 

That's the fantasy. The reality is my boys and me...and doing all I can to help them to feel, safe, secure, and loved. 

In a way I l also love the concept of just me and boys...and the special bond we have developed. I am so proud of them and worry about them at the same time. 

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