To Boldly Go Where...I Have Never Gone Before: Fear and Self-Care

My boys are down for their afternoon nap. We had a fun morning. I have to get creative for fun, interesting, and inexpensive activities to keep them occupied and their minds and bodies sharp and challenged. That, I would say, is a big part of parenting.

I take them to their mother tomorrow. They will be there for the week (an unusual occurrence), and I will of course miss them like crazy, as always.

Foremost of my mind, however, is my upcoming interviews (TWO next week)...fast approaching. I have been doing some prep work, but I will start doing so much more hardcore tomorrow.

There are also still a few more jobs I want to apply to.

My mind has been wrestling with the fear of leaving my current position, place of residence, resources I have become familiar with, friends I have made, and people I feel comfortable with, etc. But I wouldn't be doing this if the time and energy wasn't worth it. But still...fear of the unknown and unfamiliar and all that.

Then there is also the prospect of affording a move without breaking my bank, and I desperately do not want to rely on credit and undo all the debt I have paid down this year. I will have to get creative with that too.

I want, more than anything, to provide a good life for my boys. And I want something for myself as well. I have sacrificed my personal needs this past year for my boys, necessarily so perhaps during a very difficult transition for all of us. But I can't keep doing that to myself. I can best be there for my boys by taking better care of myself and my needs...sometimes, though, I just don't know how...

My boys are up now, sitting with me as I type, still a little groggy from their nap. Those smiling faces are precious. I will figure out how for them.

One Day, Two Interview Invitations

And like that I finally have a couple interviews lined up.

Yesterday, I received two invitations to interview for two separate positions. From nothing--well, a couple nibbles--to something.

I was pretty excited. I set the interview dates and informed my boss, who has been in the know and supportive all along.

I have not been offered anything, and it is possible that if I am offered a position, I will not accept. I am interviewing them as well. So it is still business as usual at my current place of employment.

One interview requires a presentation on a topic I know very well and present on often...I even teach a class centered around the topic. And my course evaluations from my students last year were very good. My best yet. It was a very good year for me all around on many levels.

And yet, I am nervous. I feel a pressure to make my presentation super awesome. Why not already start with the assumption I am super awesome? Even further, why impose such an intimidating expectation in the first place? Start with believing...in myself. The belief will be transmitted to my audience. In some respects, that projection is more powerful and will make a better impression than my actual content.

In truth, I am also scared about getting a new position. I have a niche at my current institution; I have built a stable and familiar home for my boys, and there is comfort in my routine. Add in my awesome year.

Another transition...if I get a new job.

But I have to keep striving to better my situation, and that is why I continued searching...

So another planning process begins...for two interviews in the very immediate future.

I could be starting a new job and moving within the month.

And I search...

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Blog Post Typo Tally: 9

Single Parenting and Letting Fear Get the Best of You

In single parenting, there is sometimes this creeping fear. You're fine for a while, so don't notice as it starts to worm it's way inside. It seems to radiate through your guts and then up into your chest. You only start to notice when it has grown...on the brink of becoming manageable.

Then it's there, full blown. No longer creeping. You tried to deny it, but now it's is unmistakably there. A force that demands your attention.

Or maybe it's something unique to me.

In any case, I feel the fear now.

I'm worried about some upcoming, unexpected bills. This is what can happen on a tight budget. I've been working to pay off debt, and I have made a hell of a lot of progress. I'm worried it will all go to shit.

I'm worried.

Shit.

And fear breeds fear. What if I loose my job, which is a pretty irrational thought. Am I not doing enough to bring in more income? Am I raising these boys wrong? Will they hate my when they are older, when they are past their current daddy worship phase and become cognizant and then critical of my faults?

But a solution lies in identifying the problem. I can make plans. Plans are good.

Plans are all I have. And they have to be enough.

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Blog Post Typo Tally: 2

Recognizing Successes and Learning to Enjoy the Moment

I've had a great weekend with my boys. We really have a lot of fun together. I have to get creative with activities on tight budget.

For example, today is Memorial Day, and I'm a veteran. I don't think I've revealed that before. We might be able to do some stuff for free today, including enjoying a meal together at a restaurant--one that is not McDonald's.

Also, I had cheeseburger success last night! I've had the hardest time getting them to eat burgers. They are pretty finicky. But I've slowly been adding in more food options. It's been working. I have to give props to my ex, for once, for her part in expanding their palates.

Discipline is also an issue I've been working on. This is something I worry is inconsistent between my ex and me. I can at least make sure things things are consistent in my home. I've been having some success. But it's an ongoing effort,

My writing in general continues to suffer. I feel I have been trying to find a way to write more consistently for a long time now....

I have to keep in mind I have written a lot more since the separation, I am making progress, and I will continue to do so.

Committing Fully to a Single Writing Project

So I've been blogging more frequently...almost daily this month. My blog posts kinda suck, I know, but I enjoy writing them. I look forward to writing them even. Reading older post is interesting too...only to me, of course. But still.

I have not been doing much with my story. Not sure why I have been avoiding it. Maybe it wasn't sustainable? Maybe not sticking with it more consistently has killed the excitement?

So I'm considering whether to continue with the story or start over with a new one. With more of a framework in place, I might be in a better position to start from scratch and to keep working on it.

Another problem I run into is committing to a writing project. It's like I don't know what kind of story I really want to tell.

Eventually, there comes a time you have to commit to a single writing project, for better or worse. (Kinda like marriage in some ways...without all the crappy parts.)

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Blog Post Typo Tally: 4

Divorce and Star Wars: It Is Unavoidable--It Is My Density...I Mean, My Destiny

My last day of coffee and writing freedom (for this week, anyway). My annoying cat is of course sitting ever so comfortably next to me is HIS spot. 

The big project for today will be putting my house back together again (without the help of all the king's horses and all the kings men). I made a bit of a mess in the process of getting things more in order and clean...if that makes sense. And as an extra surprise, my fridge decided to stop working yesterday. Good thing I hadn't gone grocery shopping yet. I was able to save my food with my cooler and lots of ice. A repairmen came late in the afternoon and was able to fix it...kinda. It's a temporary fix that my not last very long. The part needed for the permanent fix should be her early next week. The fridge seems to be working fine for now, and I have to buy at least some food for when my boys come home tonight. I want our house to be nice and clean and cozy for when they get here.  

The break was fantastic, even though I miss my my boys like crazy.

I can't help but reflect on this new reality, which is not so new anymore...but still kinda is. Although it feels much more normal. I still have this irrational dream of our family coming back together, especially for my boys' sake. It's very reminiscent of my childhood in ways. My parents were divorced when I was about the same age my boys were when my ex and I divorced. And for a long time, I always had this buried down hope my mom and dad would get back together. 

Divorce seems to have dominated and determined my whole life. That's a depressing thought. I can't help but hear Emperor Palpatine whispering in his creepy decrepit Darthly voice that it is my destiny. Fuck you Palpatine. (Sorry for the geek moment...but it is also my destiny...or is that my density?...to be a Star Wars geek.)

My boys have even explicitly expressed their desire to see this happen. They are more bold than I was. They ask me if I love Mommy. That's a tough one to answer. I can answer yes honestly (in a way, I always will; although in a much different way than I did--maybe I'm just a sentimental fool). But saying I love her will not compute for my boys: why, then, we don't we all live in the same house? They have addressed the housing issue and try to understand why we need two houses. These are tough questions, and they will only get more difficult as they become increasing able to express what is going on for them. I just hope to be someone they feel safe to express and share their feelings with.

Also, I have to admit I, at times, miss the person who I used to believe was my very best friend and life partner. Every once in a while, I will encounter something that triggers a memory. And so many of my memories are tied to the past decade when I was with this one person. It's like divorce PTSD--although I do the word a grave injustice because it is not anything close to the experience of people who actual suffer through real PTSD. 

I am in the process of making plans to buy a house, now that things have become more settled. I have most of the loan stuff all worked out. Our little rented townhouse is fine, really. Plenty of space for us, including lots of storage space. The insulation sucks, so I waste a lot of money on heat, gas, and a/c. I also miss having a garage. 

But if I am going to spend so much money to rent, why not pay a mortgage instead, which may be cheaper than renting and will also allow me to build equity?

In the pipe dream, my ex will like this and want to be a part of it. Never mind for now that I have no idea how I could ever trust her again. But the half-baked dream involved rebuilding our life together, working on healing old and very deep wounds, and collaborating to keep our family strong and together above all else. 

That's the fantasy. The reality is my boys and me...and doing all I can to help them to feel, safe, secure, and loved. 

In a way I l also love the concept of just me and boys...and the special bond we have developed. I am so proud of them and worry about them at the same time. 

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Blog Post Typo Tally: 0

Freedom VS. Responsibility VS. Self-Guilt-Tripping

I feel somewhat lost without my boys...and yet I love the freedom of being only responsible for me. Of course the ex and I talk to collaborate on issues that come up regarding our boys. 

We had a recent talk about communicating better for the boys' sake, and that seems to have been a positive turning point for how we get along...so far. It's still early, so we'll see.

I have not been as productive this week while the boys have been with their mother as I would have liked. It's been a sort of leisurely productivity. A part of me thinks it was well deserved, another is laying on the guilt trip for how much more I could have gotten down. Chill out, guilt-trip self. I still have two days, in which I can get a lot of stuff done. Jeez.

Still no follow up interview phone call, but I feel one has to be coming. 

In any case, I miss my boys and can't wait to see them again. We get a nice, long 3 day weekend together. Working on some fun plans and activities. 

Job Nibbles and Attack of the Negative Thoughts

Another job nibble...

Progress.

However, I have not heard back from what I thought of as an awesome phone interview last week. I know it is still relatively early. They had other phone interviews to conduct, and then they will meet, if they haven't done so already, to decide who to invite for face-to-face meetings.

But still...paranoia.

I have been combing over everything I remember saying and, of course, considering all the ways in which my responses may have sucked, like a test you thought you did great on but instead received a C...or even D. (I was an A student in college, FYI...congratu-fucking-lations for me, right?).

If I don't hear back next week, I can probably write that one off.

But there is still this more recent one--they have contacted my references but not me yet (assuming they will)--and there are some newer ones I found that I'm pretty excited about. In fact, I need to figure out which ones to prioritize and get to asap.

Commence...more planning. (Talk about uninspiring things to commence.)

So...positive thought! Positive thoughts. Because negative ones just make you feel like shit.

More Ch, Ch, Changes: Persistence + Planning = Payoff

It's a been a reflective week, and I was reminded of a post I wrote about changes, writing, and life transitions last summer.

I'm still working on developing a writing lifestyle. I've made progress. Not as much as I would like, but it's progress. I wrote about a thousands words of my story yesterday. It's still kinda all over the place, but I enjoyed being able to dive into story, instead of outlining, developing background, and so on.

I have also started working out. I seriously have not done so for...I don't even know how long. Stretching, at a minimum, used to be a regular part of my morning routine...I have not even been doing that.

Arguably my boys keep me moving. I have not gained any weight. I may, however, have lost some muscle. But I still did a good deal of push ups and sit ups yesterday. I've always had pretty good upper (and lower) body strength.

As I've said before, I could tone up more. And working out for health reasons is becoming increasingly important. I would not say I am unfit...but I am not exactly fit either.

Been working on a lot of things this week: getting my financial house and my...house house in order.

I have payed off a considerable amount of debt, and that trend will only continue. It feels really good. My credit rating is going back up. This is where values mismatch and marriage can take a heavy toll. If you and your partner's value don't match, especially in terms on financial matters, then...run. Run far, far away. You may feel like you found the one, that this person is the best thing to ever happen to you, completes you...or whatever relationship bliss cliche fits. But without similar values, that stuff will fade. Resentment will grow. I know I've tooted this horn before, but values are probably the most important aspect of a successful long term relationship.

So if you are with someone you really dig...and yet your values don't quite gel, better to rip of the band-aid quickly now.

The hard part is exploring both you and your partner's values. And that process will require deep self-reflection and self-honesty. And humans are self-deception masters.

But I digress.

Things are going in a general positive direction. It has been a slow process, but with perseverance (and a plan), I have come to a point where I can look back, see the progress, and say wow.

Wow.

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Blog Post Typo Tally: 2

My New Best Friend: My Annoying Cat

My annoying cat's complete and utter devotion and instance on spending time with me and even, odd as this may seem, comforting me when I am down and missing my boys--maybe he misses them too?--is making it very hard for me to be annoyed with him.

He was my bud before I got married, and he stuck around after the separation and divorce. I can't say the same for...a lot of people. He was there when we brought our new baby boys home and there through the long sleepless nights of caring for infant twins. 

He waited patiently while I focused all my love and affection on my boys, at his expense. It made him depressed at times, too. But I just did not have any energy left to devote to his emotional needs. 

And he was there through this entire...process of transition, despite being largely ignored most of the time. 

Recently, he has taken a more proactive approach to getting his emotional needs met, with an apparent emphasis on unconditional love and forgiveness. 

He simply loves being with me, and he loves my boys (I'd be lucky to find a girl with those traits). I know dogs are all the rage when it comes to loyalty, but my cat has gone above and beyond. 

He's a good cat...perhaps even a good friend. He used to be my "baby" before I had babies, but our roles have changed--we are both older now (and not getting any younger).

Of course, he does still annoys me, but I am sure he can say the same about me.

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Blog Post Typo Tally: 4

Implementing New Habits

Today....

Starting some new habits. Getting back to working out and meditating chief among them. I plan to develop a plan that will allow me to keep with it during the week when I have my boys. 

The weather is great for a jog. Finally. It's a start. 

Also...the job hunt continues. Finally a nibble, but I'm ever on the prowl to upgrade. 

I simultaneously have to get serious about bringing in some extra income. I need a part-time job. A little more of a cushion would do wonders. Preferable online. There are a few that interest me.

Divorce and the Absolute Awfulness of Missing Your Kids When They Spend a Week With the Ex

My wife just picked up my boys, and the house is quiet and empty. We were at a parade and festival with rides and activities before she arrived. I'm glad we experienced that together before they left. Got lots of great pictures and videos.

They will make me happy and sort of haunt me while they are away.

I won't see them for almost a week...

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.

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.

.

.

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...the ex has a little time off from work, so she is taking them for longer than the usual weekend.

I support that. And it's actually part of our legal custody paper work.

Right now, though, I just feel like absolute shit and long for our family to be whole again. Both boys were upset to be leaving without me, while also happy to spend time with their mom. It's very confusing for them.

I do have some plans for the week, mostly in regards to some major spring cleaning and getting ride of crap I don't need. I really want a more minimalist lifestyle. I always have. But I also want to make at least some money off my stuff. 

I will allow myself to enjoy the night off. Some well deserved down time. 

Wings and beer are in my very immediate future. 

Positive Attitudes and Interview Awesomeness

That phone interview went uncommonly well. I will be surprised if I do not get called in for a face-to-face. It might happen soon, which means I need to get my suit ready.

Weird to consider: I could have anew job soon. AND I could be moving soon!

I don't want to get ahead of myself just yet, however. Nothing is guaranteed, and I also have no idea what the salary the for position is. I hope it would exceed what I make now. But it would have to at least equal my current pay. I may consider something slightly lower. Very slightly.

I am in a position where I can turn down an offer. That's a good place to be...and also a good bargaining tool, if they value what I have to offer enough.

I guess I'll cross that road when I get there.

I'm exhausted thinking about another move. I just moved last summer. But it will be worth it if the price is right.

I'm also working on my attitude. I have a tendency to focus on the negative. Not that things have to be all sunshine and roses, but a positive outlook and disposition can turn a dreadful perception into a fun opportunity.

I would even argue practicing mindfulness and cultivating a positive attitude contributed to today's successful phone interview. And I practiced minimally before the interview.

What if I do so on a regular basis. How different would my life be?

I can't help but think the year and a half separation/divorce funk I've been entrenched in is finally fading.

Enter: A New Job Interview...Tomorrow!

How serendipitously odd. Yesterday I mentioned my lack of interviews for the CVs and cover letters I've been sending out. And so, naturally, I got a call for an phone interview today. The actual interview is tomorrow. Excited and nervous. Hope I'm able to fall asleep and get a good night's rest.

New Blog Goal: 182.5 Posts

First off: holy crap, I was fucking tired tonight. Also: despite my aweome annual review, I sometimes feel I suck at my job.

Job search update: time constraints have prevented my from applying to as many as I would have liked. And I'm not even getting interviews for the ones I have applied to. That's a disturbing new trend. Solution: start a better trend.

Almost exactly two months since I started this blog. Weird to consider. Initially, I wanted to write a new post every day. That didn't happen. But...if I churn out 57 posts in the next two months, I will average one post every other day. Kinda like that new goal.

The Price Children Pay For Divorce

My boys are back home, safe, clean, and sleeping happily in their beds. Few things are as satisfying.

I met with the ex briefly when she dropped the boys off at day care. I continue to be baffled by the "fuck you" vibe she always seems to throw my way. It's ever present since probably before I was aware she started to hate me. But it is definitely more pronounced when financial matters are involved...she is somehow bitter at me that she has to pay her share of the boys' expenses--I swear, if I didn't keep track of such things and did not bother to make sure she ponied up, she would conveniently not remember that children are quite expensive...how rudely inconvenient.

And...the exchange seemed to be a difficult one for the boys. They can probably sense her irritation on some level. Her non-verbals speak volumes (and may be confusing for the boys to understand and interpret...why is Mommy so mad when Daddy is here?). Makes me sad for them.

Maybe it really is better that we maintain separate homes...better but not ideal. I firmly believe parents owe it to their children to make the marriage work. That is not the same thing as staying together just because of the children. You have to constantly invest in your family and work through problems, not run away from them. Our boys are now at an emotional, social, and economic disadvantage that is just not fair for them. Life if hard enough.

It just seems so fucking selfish. I am over her, but I struggle with that.

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Blog Post Typo Tally: 0

Happy Mother's Day...to Single Dads

Both of my sister's independently wished me a half-joking, half-serious Happy Mother's Day. That earned a good laugh...and made me feel good.

It turns out Mother's Day for single dads is kind of a thing. Not as much of a thing, or so it seems to me based on a very brief Google search, as Father's Day for single moms--but I would bet that search is reflective of the general trend.

Most single-parenting information of any kind starts with the assumption that the kids stay with the mother. Very little literature, information, support networks, etc., for single fathers.

I smell a possible new research/writing project.

In any case, someone needs to celebrate and, dare I say, champion us...we few, we happy few, we band of brothers...

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Unrelated note: first time I posted two blogs on the same day. 

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Blog Post Typo Tally: 1

Voice, Typos, Google Music, and the Superfluousness of Pics

Tired this morning, even after getting some stuff done. I have my coffee next to me, which is a given. My annoying cat has weaseled its way into its usual spot next me. And I have started jotting down my thoughts. Except I don't know what to say today. I want to have something to say but my mind isn't cooperating. Bastard.

My post yesterday got me thinking of my prior posts. A reader comment--a rare occurrence in these here parts--complimented my writing voice. It was an awesome compliment--but not the first, in regards to my "voice." Although it has been a loooong time.

The voice compliment inspired me to read several prior posts. I have to say I enjoy what I write. Especially if I had forgotten the post and the things I had said. Maybe that sounds narcissistic, but it does guarantee me one fan.

My posts remain riddled with typos. Still. I fix them when I find them. It's pretty disappointing. But I'm just a terrible typer, and in all honesty, I don't have time for in-depth editing and revising for this particular blog.

I just sort of barf out what comes to mind and then publish it.

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Missing my boys today. And I won't be picking them up this afternoon as I normally do on Sundays. The ex actually offered to keep them for an extra day. Wonders never cease. Never mind that soon after she picked them up she wanted to rescind the offer. But I had made plans, and she needs to honor her commitments, especially to our boys. 

I suppose I should call to wish her a happy Mother's Day. Plus, I would like to speak to my boys. I actually got her a mother's day gift. I did it for my boys. I wanted it to be a special day for them. And I wanted them to be involved in the gift giving process. It was a success. I bought something they could make (with my help), and they also got a kick out of writing their name on the card. They were even really excited to give the present to the ex. I was really happy to see that. Kids their age can be very gimme gimme gimme, mine mine mine. So seeing them take pleasure and satisfaction in making and giving gifts was rewarding. I am apparently not raising selfish psychopath misers. That's a plus. 

In any case, it's nice to have a more leisurely Sunday. I can get so much more done today and not have to rush around. 

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Another new technological toy. Google fucking Music is awesome. I haven't really tapped into it much until recently because I'm a pretty big audiobook nerd. In fact, I barely listen to music. When I put earbuds in to clean or do other things that don't require sustained and focused attention, such as writing...or parenting, I am listening to an audiobook. 

I used to borrow more audiobooks from the library, but with the advent of digital everything and the ease of listening to books from my phone, CD audiobooks are relatively cumbersome and inconvenient. 

But the awesomeness of Google and their revamped Google Play Music has changed that. Now, I can pop a audiobook CD into my computer, which my iTunes player automatically downloads to my library. The Google Play Music on my laptop then automatically syncs with my iTunes player...and with any other audio files stored on my computer. I can then access the files via Google Play Music from any of my devices...and even download them to a different device.

I've been listening to The Book Thief in this way. Amazing story, I might add. Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book is next. And the best part: free. I'm a bog fan of free. 

Viva la Google revolucion!

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I played around with re-introducing pictures into my blog posts. There are a good deal of copyright free and public domain pics. Ultimately, I found the process more time consuming than it's worth. And I questioned my motivation to arbitrarily add a picture. I know people are more visually orientated these days, but I don't think a pic adds anything to my content. And the search wastes time. So, unless there is a good reason to include an image, my blog posts will remain picture-less.

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Guess I had more to say than I thought. 

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New feature: Blog Post Typo Tally. Every time I find and fix a typo in my published blogs, starting with this one, I will update my Blog Post Typo Tally (to be found at that the bottom of my post).

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Blog Post Typo Tally: 6

Lights at Ends of Tunnels: They Happen...Fleetingly

Some much needed good news:

Met with my boss for my annual review. Always a nerve-wracking process.

It was glowing. By far the best I've received, perhaps ever. So that was obviously good news that helped ease my nerves.

But it was so much more than that for me. It was amazingly gratifying. My first year as a single dad of twin boys. A move to a new place (and town). Separation and then divorce from my now ex-wife. A year rife with a lot of high stress transitions.

Chief among them, especially in regards to my work, was raising young men by myself and balancing work. It was a really tough juggle. It still is, but I continue to get better at it. Yet, new victories also bring new challenges, as far as child rearing goes.

In any case it was extremely hard and exhausting. I often felt I could not keep up. I often didn't. Prioritizing was key. In that regard, I feel I made good choices.

At my work, we were also going through a bit of a transition, and I took on a lot more responsibilities. To be honest, I liked doing so. I like working hard and feeling I am contributing and helping. But more important, my rising to the occasion was noticed, which does not always happen. But it was.

So the praise from my boss was the culmination of all the hard work and struggle I dealt with this year. One of the most difficult of my life. To be recognized for my efforts was...god, I don't even have the words to describe it.

Raising kids can be both thankless and intensely gratifying and fulfilling. My job can be somewhat isolating in regards to interactions with my co-workers.

So this endorsement of my efforts goes a long way. I have a lot of tweaks I want to make both personally and professionally, but at least now I feel I am moving in the right direction. All my choices and decisions this year have not been great. But that is the price of decision-making. You work with what you have and know at the moment. Only hindsight can sometimes shed greater light. But then you adjust and make new decisions. I did that well, and I made enough initial good decisions to result in a successful year.

Now to keep building on that...and make this current year even better.

Props to the Life Line. Having a sounding board and outlet has been invaluable.

My Annoying Writing Partner, Story Organization, and Separation Anniversary

I have a new writing buddy. My cat. I know it's a bit of a cliche', but it was a reluctant partnership for me.

Back-story: ever since I've had kids, I have not been a particular good cat daddy. Twins take up a LOT of...everything...and I just don't have anything left for the cat. I of course feed it, shelter it, and change its shit box. I buy it toys, etc. Where I lack is love and affection. I just want it to go away and leave me alone. When I do pet it, it's out of pity, not because I want to. I know that sounds cold, but there it is.

Back-back-story: prior to my boys, our cats used to be our babies ("our" being my ex and me). People had baby pictures; we had cat pictures. We used to save cats. At one time we had seven. When the twins were born, we had five. When we moved, there was no way I was going to move two children and five cats, so I found good homes for three (that took a lot of work...I really wanted to find them a good home, and I drove across a state for two of them--so maybe I don't come across as cold anymore). During the separation, my ex and I took one cat each.

So now I just have the one. Begrudgingly. Like I said, I am nice to it out of pity. He gets lonely. He used to have a large cat family and get pets all the time. My boys have actually started to fill the void now that they are getting older (a whopping four years old). They like to pet the cat, which makes me happy. I therefore also have to fake affection and caring for the cat...for my boys. I want them to be loving and respectful of all life, even my annoying cat.

But when the boys are with their mother, I basically want him to stay out of my way. In exchange for food, shelter, and changing the shit box, I expect him to leave me the fuck alone.

The cat does not uphold his end of the bargain. I find him curled up with me when I wake up. And he finds it necessary to sit with me whenever I write. I tried to dissuade him from doing so (see also shove him away). But he always insists on coming back, and I eventually gave in.

I shouldn't have. Now the cat sees it as routine...his right even. When he sees me even begin to sit down to write, he jumps up to his "spot" next to me. I have come to accept it. The effort fighting this development isn't worth it. And he really does just sit there with me unobtrusively. It's really quite endearing.

Note to self: work on becoming less of a grumpy bastard.

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Continuing with the story organization and consolidation project. I have over 7,000 words of story and notes in Scriptito. I really like how you can move sections around easily. I think I have another 3000 or so of story and notes scattered around, including handwritten stuff. 

I am looking forward to having an organization method in place. As I said before, this has been my biggest writing obstacle. 

Then I can start digging in hard core.

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I have been feeling a little nostalgic lately, although that is not exactly the right word. Can you be nostalgic for past events that sucked?

A year ago this month, my then wife moved out of our house, and I was making plans to vacate. I already had a deposit down for the townhouse we live in now. My year lease is up at the end of this month. Kinda crazy to consider. I will be glad to move to a month-to-month lease. I like the freedom of being able to move, especially if I get a new job. 

I am also looking very seriously into buying a home. I really want one. My ex never did. Values. They matter. If you find it necessary to marry, Make sure you and your partner are one the same page for the really big ones..probably a good deal of the smaller ones too. 

Doing Nothing and Getting Things Dones...At the Same Time...Kinda.

Wasted the morning away...pretty much. In my defense, I needed the rest. I deserve some time to just chill. But I have a harder time convincing myself of that.

Also, in my defense, I did actually get some things done this morning. I did some laundry and general cleaning, both interspersed with a little bit of lounging.

I did get some writing in...kinda. I'm STILL in organization mode. Scriptito is great for helping with that. I have been transferring all my writing, including story, notes, outline, character sketches, into the platform.

I am still not putting as much time into writing as I need to, but it is a work in progress for me.

Also this weekend...more vitas. Last round = fail. What the hell.

Making My Weekends More Productive...While Also Getting Much Needed R & R

The ex picked the boys up a day early for once.

The break is great. I get so exhausted, and I passed out not too long after I got home from work. I had some house cleaning to do, but I do that all the time. I just wanted to chill. And chilling soon turned to sleep. 

I'm still pretty tired this morning. Would love to skip work today, but I can't...and I can get a lot done today

But I just want to sleep. That has become a problem for my weekends when I don't have the boys. Sometimes, I don't get nearly as much done as possible. 

I need to implement some productivity elements into my weekend, instead of leaving them so open...make weekend goals and daily agendas, just like I do at work.

And include time for myself. 

I also really miss my boys when they are gone despite how grateful I am for the break. Coming home to an empty house is depressing. And I see them everywhere in the house...in the things they play with, their favorite spot on the couch, their favorite toys strewn about, their empty beds. I miss them when I wake up. Most, but not all the time, they end up in my bed. I know they are starting to get too old for that...but...I love it. 

Those are some of the weekend obstacles that prevent me from being as productive on the weekends as I would like. 

This weekend, I plan to change that. Or at least start implement habits that will allow me to work on changing it. 

I have been tackling things one at a time. Sometimes I take a step or two back, but I continue to make forward progress. Significant progress too. 

Thanks again for listening, Life Line. And id doing so, allowing me to work through problems that have been bothering me.