Non-Homogenized Writing...and Digging into Dissertation Revisions

 Hello, old friend. 

I have been rediscovering my love of writing, and it has been everything. I have forgotten how much I love it, and how much it is central to who and how I am and how much it energizes me like nothing else. 

How much of a lifeline it has been for me for so much of my life, hence this stupid little blog I started way back in 2013 when I was going through a divorce, heartbroken, and somehow trying to figure out how to be a single parent to then three-year-old twin sons. 

I was so incredibly overwhelmed, which is an understatement. But then I started and wrote here almost weekly for a year, and it was everything to me. It got me through it somehow in a way just journaling to myself was not. Something about sharing them publicly had an additional power of effect that kept me going. 

It was also a pseudonym I created, which allowed me to just write and say whatever the fuck I wanted, unfiltered. I loved it. 

But I got away from it. Life moved on. I healed. The Life Line didn't have the same place, the same need in my life as it did when I started it, so it faded away. 

I have returned to writing so, so many times over the years. I never stopped, but I also never fully committed how I had wanted to. 

I was 38 when I started that...and here I am all these years later, 51. My kids are 16 going on 17, juniors in high school, and thriving. They are so fucking smart, I can barely believe it. And way, waaaay better students than I was in high school. So smarter than me in every way. And taller. 

I have found love again after my divorce, which it felt like I never would. Lost that love. And I am finding love again...I think...with another woman. 

But love feels, idk, different at 51 than it did even in my 40s, after 11 years with one woman, 9 of them married, and then another what...7 or 8 with another. Two decades of women I was deeply in love with, one of which is the mother of my children. 

Both of those relationships were so incredibly different. I loved them when I loved them both very much and very differently. And I can look back and see the obviously glaring problems in both...retrospectively. 

What a dumb fucking fool I was. But such is life. I have regrets and no regrets at the same time. 

Amor fati. A new favorite saying and just life...philosophy. Love your fate. 

The decisions you made in the past, the things you did and didn't do were the only things you could have ever done in those moments in that time and who you were in that moment. 

So why not accept it and love it all. 

So anyway, I have been writing again, as I was saying. 

I am diving back AGAIN into my fucking dissertation, starting to revise, again, chapter one, which I have put on hold for way too fucking long because of my crazy job that I both love and...I don't want to say hate. I don't hate it. I actually find it extremely challenging and engaging, and I like that about it quite a bit. And I have great support. For now. 

But god damn...I have had so many jobs go wrong, usually for social reasons. Something about me. Autism. ADHD. All that. And the risk of that happening again is just always there. 

That's actually what my dissertation is about. I won't go into that now. This may not even be the place for that at all.

But as I was diving back into revisions for chapter one, based on feedback from my dissertation chair, I wanted to write about it. 

I have a newsletter which is sort of an adjunct effort to go along with my dissertation and connect to my larger framework of hero psychology. 

But I didn't want to use that forum for this. 

As I have been writing more, I've been playing with the idea of blogging again for another, different writing outlet, to just say what I want. 

My newsletter writing is much more public now...with my measly 24 subscribers. But a lot of people read it, friends, family, coworkers, so it is more professional-facing, and in that way curated and inhibited. I can't just write without being too...careful with wording and my professional persona. I can't just go, which is what I love and what I loved previously about the Life Line. It was just free-form getting the shit out of my head and sharing it with whoever the fuck. 

So here I am again, Life Line. I guess I feel I am needing you again. My kids are so independent now, and they will be adults and out of the home sooner than I can even imagine. It will go by so fast. A reality I could not even fathom in 2013 as I struggled nearly every day to just keep up with those little three-year-old monkeys. I don't even know how I did it sometimes. But I did, and I feel so fucking great about it. 

Yes, I'm swearing a lot. Fuck you, that is what the Life Line is about. So I just want this place back to just write and get my thoughts out, chronicle my dissertation, and write about whatever I want. 

I don't need a well-thought-out mission statement as to why. 

I wish I didn't let my last girlfriend know about this pseudonym and blog, but I did. I am not sure if she follows or subscribes or cares. But it compromises my writing anonymity to some degree. 

But really, it would not be so very hard to discover my identity if anyone took a moment to try. But I doubt anyone will care enough to do so. Not for an old crook like me.

I use AI to help me write these days. Usually to polish things and sometimes with structure or how to better say something. But this will be totally AI-free (well, remain AI free, really, since AI wasn't even a writing tool option in any of my previous Life Line posts). Well, maybe not totally. I am a bad typer, and it works great as a glorified spell checker. But otherwise, unfiltered, free-flowing non-homogenized bullshit, from me to whoever comes across it and takes a moment to waste their time. 

Blogging as Procrastination

 This is the last summer of classes for my Ph.D. program. Good. I am more than happy to be done with classes. Forever. My sister calls me a lifetime student. I get her criticism. But I will always be a lifetime student, classes or not. But I am super glad to be done with classes. 

Honestly, classes are bullshit. I am just jumping through hopes to get this degree. I am learning new things, but I don't necessarily feel the assignments we do contribute much to that learning. Mostly I want the degree for my career. But I also want to learn how to be better at my career. Not sure we quite get there at times. 

I should be doing homework right now, but I'm in an "I don't feel motivated to do anything right now" funk. 

Except write another blog post, I guess. Two posts within the same week. A bit shocking. It was good to do that post a couple days ago. I wrote it a local coffee shop by where I live, with an iced latte with a couple shots of sugar-free vanilla. That has been my long-time favorite coffee drink since the 90s. And the taste can take me back. I currently like blogging better than journaling...for now. A little sick of my journal. But I have to obviously censor myself more for a blog. 

Anyway, the weekend has been a waste in terms of the homework I wanted to do. I was tired after my work trip to the West Coast. Maybe some jet lag, too. So maybe give myself a break. But that work still needs to get done. So that will be my focus today. But I also get my son back today, and there other house chores that need to get done. 

I can struggle when I have to manage multiple things like that. 

My Father's Ghost & 10 Years of the Life Line

I watched my father die. 

Well, no, I didn't. But kinda. 

I watched his spirit die. I saw him break. And he died ten years later after he moved to Greece by himself. Without his family. 

But he died alone in the condo he had there. 

We barely talked after he moved. I was 10. He died when I was 20. My 50s are coming quick. He was 62 when he died. Not all that much older than me. Too young to die. 

I'd like to make it to 100. About more 50 years of life for me. That's a good number. A healthy 100, too. I don't want 20 years of miserable sickness and immobility. 

I'm a father now. Teenage boys. Except I'm there for them. That's very important to me. The most important thing for me. I have sacrificed a lot of my own happiness to be a present father. Stuck in a town I despise. It's mutual. Just not a good fit for me. 

My boys need me less than they did when they were younger. It's good. They are such smart, handsome boys with so much going for them. They can be anything they want. But they need a lot of guidance. From me. 

Middle school is when I basically didn't have parents anymore, and I think it really put me at a disadvantage. I wish I had some guidance leading into adulthood. 

What am I writing about? Why am I even writing?

I think because I miss writing. 

This blog used to be such a great outlet for me. At a time when I was really struggling. Those days feel far away now. They are far away now. 

Today is actually the 10 year anniversary of the Lifeline. I honestly didn't realize that or plan to write a 10 year anniversary post or anything like that. I haven't even written a Lifeline blog post in a couple years.

But I felt this need to write a new blog today. An interesting coincidence. I do writing for school and work, and it feels like work, and I hate it. I never do writing I like. I journal, but it's not the same. There's something about the publicness of a blog.

I like my job but can feel sick of it (I guess as one does) and have gotten somewhat of a promotion, so I guess I am doing something right. I needed that win after the disaster of the last institution I was at. It still burns.

I found another job I am very interested in. Probably send that application off at the end of this weekend. The next step for me. A dean position. I have been directing for several years now.

The Life Line was inspired by loneliness, I think, along with a big life crisis I was working through (i.e., divorce).  

My dad died a broken and lonely man, and I hate that. 

And there is a recognition I could be that. I am a bit reclusive like him. I have his general disposition. People can really bother me. Sounds awful, right? 

But I love people and helping people at the same time. 

As my kids become more independent, I feel an impending loneliness. And not just impending. I feel it now, too. 

Too many men wind up old and alone. And I don't want that for myself. 

How do I create more support in an area where I don't really fit? How do I find my person? 

My dad has always haunted me in this way...I do not want to be like him. I already am not him. But I still can be. I guess. I fear that. 

The Lifeline lets me just write without filter. I may use it again for that. I have said this before. 

Regardless of if I write again next week or next year or never, happy tenth. 

So Many Life Transitions in a Short Amount of Time...and Dune

 So so much has changed since my last post. My girlfriend and I did end up breaking up. She dumped me about a month after my last post. That was fucking rough as shit. I love her (not past tense) deeply. We had a lot of hard conversations. Skip ahead several months, and we are at a new place now with things--we are calling it good friends. Which we are. I think we just really care about and love each other, but we don't know how to deal with the long distance. Especially when a hard situation comes up, like it did. But we are hanging out again. We have even made out...and more.

We are intentionally not really exploring what it means. I think we both agree that might best for now. And I am just truly grateful to spend time with her when we can. We'll see how this develops.

I also got a new job and quit my old job. I came to fucking hate--I mean HATE--my prior job. But so far I really love my new job and the institution. A really nice and more reputable small, liberal rats college.

Did I ever mention I am working on a PhD now? In Higher Education Administration. Been eyeing this program a long time. A good time with my boys getting older and more independent. Almost 12! Second year in the program.

And, big reveal, I have Asperger's. Recently officially diagnosed. Technically ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder).

I meditate every day now. Been loving the practice. I run just about every day. Two miles. I've picked up moderate lifting again (I used to lift a lot when I was younger--much younger).

There has just been a ton of changes going on for me, and I feel better about things and about myself than I have in a long time. 

And I have been thinking about getting back into writing and blogging. So here I am. Hope to make it a regular thing again. 

Final side note: saw the new Dune move with a new buddy last night at an IMAX theater. (Been working on making new frienda as well...making some headway there.) One of my all-time favorite stories. The movie was so very good. Been thinking about it all day. Go see it! 

A Break, Another Life Transition

We're officially on a break, effective today. I have been with the most wonderful woman since 2016. 

It's my fault. 

Things were going well prior to this...unexpected crisis, but the ongoing struggles of a long distance relationship can be very hard. Especially as you fall more deeply in love and strongly feel you should be spending your life with this person. But circumstances continue to keep you apart.

I screwed up. I lied. 

Sit on that for a moment.

I don't know if the break will become a break up. I think no one really ever knows that. A break obviously is not a sign things are great. But I made a selfish mistake. Not an infidelity. Not getting into specifics. But that's what happened. And it's been a stressful week for us as we've tried to processes this together.

I am hopeful the break will allow us to come back together. Maybe stronger than ever. But it may just be prelude to something more permanent.

Either way, I have to live with my mistake. My shitty behavior. A lie can be a small thing. But it grows so fast. And you lie more to cover up the lie. 

I do not feel very good about myself. Truth is I have not felt so good for a while. I haven't been able to understand why. But this whole thing has helped me...forced me, really...to really get under the hood and look at what's been banging around in there. Sometimes you really want to ignore that loud banging. Hope it will just stop. I wondered if a COVID thing. But I don't think that's it either. Probably several things that have converged and come to a head. 

And this relationship crisis really pushed it into full gear. I am considering therapy for myself, along with other serious self-work. 

I don't know exactly what a break means. I think it can mean different things to different couples. Are we even still a couple? In a way. I guess. You can't be on a break if there isn't a thing there to break from. Right?

I will really miss her and struggle with this loss. I will work to not pester her. To give her the space she is asking for.

And I will really dive into what the hell is going on for me. Maybe the Life Line can be a tool to help me look at that.

I have a new tablet, so busting out a quick blog post might be easier than ever.

I am also interested in talking about new developments with my productivity systems. That kind of thing goes well with self work. 

So...a new life transition. And all that comes with that. 

Happy Valentine's Day. Happy 2021. 

Why I Write: Another Bullshit Essay on this Tired Topic

Just finished class. The second semester of my second Ph.D. program. No, I am not going for two PhDs. I never finished the first. What a fucking loser. But I don't feel like a loser. Most of the time. 

But this post isn't an exploration into my perceived loser status. Your mileage may vary. It's about writing, assholes (for those who lean loser). 

This second doctoral attempt is both challenging my writing output and rekindling my writing passion. In unexpected ways. 

I've had to completely reconceptualize what writing means to me. Not by choice. And not an intentional endeavor. 

So what the fuck does writing mean to me? 

To be continued...

Lifelining Through a PhD Program and Other Recent Life Transitions

I have been feeling the need to return to my blog posts. I am feeling a need for the lifeline again. I am at something of a crossroads and a new life transition on several levels, and that is what the Lifeline had started out as. A major life transition, a divorce and single-parenting twin sons (baby-toddlers). I was overwhelmed. Heartbroken. Feeling very alone in the world. But I had written. I had this blog, and it helped. I am now sure exactly why. But I was inspired to start this blog then, back in 2013. Gosh, so long ago now. 

And it helped. It really did.

But I really LOVE the idea of using writing to work through life transitions. 

There are other transitions I am dealing with as well. Some of the societal, that we are all dealing with...hello pandemic and fascist, dictator seeking to throughout our democratic process to stay in power. It is scary stuff. 

My stepfather passed, and my sisters and I have taken on their financial burden and care for my mother. There is so much there I don't even know where to begin. 

My boys are 10 now. Tweens. My girlfriend says they are tweens now. And I guess that is accurate. They are certainly these budding men now, still clinging on the childhood. And I feel behind in catching up to that reality. they ingrained in my head as toddlers, but that really short-changes them. This is much easier than those toddler years. And with the pandemic and social distancing, it has been a luxury that they always have someone to play with: each other. But I also feel such sorry they can't stretch their social wings more. At an age this is becoming more important. 10. I have very vivid memories of being 10. The year the Bears won the Superbowl (Easier enough to calculate my age now). 

I have continued to be with the same girl I initially wrote about a couple years back. Fours years together now. Just celebrated our four year anniversary. It's a long-distance relationship. That has had challenges we both struggle with. I love her deeply, and we so lovee being together. And people who see us together see how in love we are and how contented we are together. She has brought such tremendous love into my life, among so many other things. But it is tragic, in ways. We can't be together more as we would like. We continued to work through that. And we are doing it. 

I have switched jobs. I am the Director of another program at another school. Starting year three of this job. 

My ex-wife has remarried. The woman she initially cheated on me with and left me for. Her wife is actually great with my kids, and I love that. But there is an odd tension I am not certain how to make sense of or handle. 

AND I started a Ph.D. program. In Higher Education Administration. Blending that into the mix is difficult. I feel overwhelmed. But...I am doing it. 

I have always liked the free form and public anonymity of this blog. This Writing. This Lifeline. I don't spend to much time edited. I just release what Natalie Goldberg refers to as the monkey mind as it comes to me. And I am a terrible typer...so always typos. Always. 

So here it is. My first Lifeline blog post in years. Will this help me as it did then? Will I stick with it? I guess we'll see. 

A New Call to Adventure: Writing, Life, and Love

Hello. It's been a while. But today, right now, I have my coffee, and I am writing once again.

It's been about five months since my last confession. That's a long time. I've been very busy, and I have not done much writing. Like at all. And I miss it. I've been struggling to figure out how to integrate writing back into my life. It's becoming this alien thing I do only sometimes now.

In reviewing a lot of my older blog posts, going back four years now (tiiiimmmme flies!), one overarching theme has emerged: my inability to commit to writing as a daily practice. That was yet another reason I started this blog, and it helped. For a while anyway.

Now most of my writing is for work. Emails. Work documents. Job descriptions. Budget justifications. Marketing pieces, which are kinda of interesting and at least entail a creative process. I also write a lot of texts (ugh), a couple social media outlets (Facebook and short Goodreads reviews) and one discussion board I regularly visit (nerd alert--about Star Wars stuff).

Actually, I've done a lot of good writing via text. I text my girlfriend a lot. We have these pretty deep text-talks, and through our writing to each other, through our dialogue, we explore and collaborate on some interesting ideas. It's good solid writing, better than I would have thought possible via a phone, much less texts. I'd be interested in exploring the collaborative, coauthored nature of text writing sometime. In ways, people are writing more than ever. In other ways, as an educator, text and social media writing is doing a very poor job teaching young people (and all people, really--this last election was a testament to that) how to write well. How to craft an argument. How to explore and evaluate ideas via writing, one of the best things about writing. But texting is its own medium. And people have been crying about how less prepared the youth of today are for just about everything since roughly forever. So I don't think texting is necessarily killing the radio store. All writing is good. Composition instructors can even use texting as a spring board to take young writers from the known to the unknown--critical thinking and crafting a sustained thought via writing.

So, yes, as I said I have a girlfriend now :)

She has started reading my blog too. I only recently showed it to her (recently being yesterday...lol). I didn't mean to not show her. The Life Line has faded for me as I have moved on to other phases in my life. It has been less...Life Line-y as it once was. I really needed it then. I named the blog well. It kept me afloat and helped me to work through...so much during a critical life transition.

She really likes my blog and the writing in it. So in addition to a new fanbase, lol...I also have a more real audience--someone I know, not just an anonymous horde I will never meet. You can't not consider your audience when you write. The anonymity of the blog was part of the appeal for me. Having an audience both provided me with a sort of motivation to keep writing, and the anonymity provided me with a safe haven to be more honest. But it was an audience nonetheless. And there were times I didn't post things after I had written them. I didn't want to expose some of the darker times. The periods I sank into a depressive funk. I wanted to sustain the illusion of getting better. And this illusion helped to actually create a better reality. The Life Line became as much of a persona as anything.

I may repost some of those more depressing posts someday.

So her presence as a reader of this blog changes the blog. But that is fitting. Having her in my life changes who I am. Changes how I live my life. I have had to learn how to let someone in. That has not been easy for me. Yet, at the same time, it has been crucial. She has become my new Life Line, more than she realizes.

We've been together like, what...10 moths now. Since September. Just thinking about her brings a smile to my face. She is really special. I'm a lucky man. I can hardly believe it at times, especially going back and re-reading my first Life Line posts.

This time, where I am now, how far I have come, felt like it was so far away. That depressive, post-marriage reality is now just a blip in my past. But it also really was a significant, new call to adventure that was the start of a whole new hero's quest, a whole new life. It is quite amazing how that pattern, the Monmouth, really does play out.

But the then of that time felt so...permanent. It was an exercise in despair, loss, and grief. It was pretty intense, and I did not know what to do. I did not know who I was. So much had felt like it had gone wrong. And I felt so...alone. Save for my work and my beautiful boys. Both of those things also saved me. I put all my focus into them at the expense of everything else.

It was overwhelming. It was scary. But I persisted. I wrote. I got up everyday. I kissed my sons. I worked hard. I excelled. Despite of or because of the situation. I'm not certain which.

Around this time last year, I moved into my new home. The second one I now own. I bought that first home to repair my credit, build up equity, and get a better home. A gamble, but also intentioanlly planned. I never would have thought I'd have two houses then. I have a really great job managing a very large academic program. I didn't see that coming so quickly then either. Managing a program is stressful. But I love it at the same time. I have been putting a lot of myself into that now. Molding the program more into where I think it needs to be. It's like a living thing. New obstacles and transitions all the time. And so many people, so much stuff and money I'm responsible for. That can feel overwhelming too. But you just keep at it every day, and you keep going and going and going. And things get better.

Results and outcomes improve. You can look back and see the results. It's very rewarding.

The Life Line allows me to look back and see where I was then, who I was then. Because we don't always see the change as it's happening. But the cumulative effects of the gradual changes can result in waking up one day and realizing, shit, things are so different. So better.

I have found a new equilibrium. I am so much better than I would have imagined four years ago. My boys are doing so great in school. If I think about how well they are doing, I am completely capable of crying. They are such smart little people now. And they were barely more than babies then. My ex and I have found a niche in which we are able to communicate and work together to coparent our children. We are semi-friends now even. It's nice, in a way, to have her back in my life as kind of friend. It can also be maddening at times. But it's good.

And I've found love again. I honestly thought that was something that was in the past for me. Something that I had experienced but never would again. And after losing love and then re-finding it, it is all the more precious. It's another new call. Another great identity defining adventure. We are carving out a new identity together. We have no idea where it's going. I am just enjoying having her in my life.

So how do I juggle it all? Work, parenting, writing, my home, my health, and love. There are no instructions to follow. We make it up as we go.

It's a story we continually craft. So why not chose to love your story? Believe in it. Keep revising it. But also just live it. Like a story or any piece of writing, let it guide you where it will. That is the best part of writing. How it creates things and takes you to places you didn't know you were going to.

I didn't meticulously plan out this blog post. I just decided I was going to blog again today.

And so I sat down with my coffee and started writing.

The Myth of the Birth of Hero Psychology

I have been thinking about what kind of writer I want to be a lot lately...just not doing much writing...which I really need to do to, you know, be a writer. The old, bullshit excuse...time.

I do not recall if I ever mentioned it before on this blog, but I have been meaning to reintroduce and re-explore in essay and personal narrative form, my old idea I called Hero Psychology. It has been something that has stayed with me and always informed me in ways as well.

So what is Hero Psychology? Well, what it is not is a psychological analysis of heroism. Although there is a psychological compoenent to it.

It's an amalgamation, really, of psychology, mythology, literature, and story that I used as a model to explain life transitions. And there are, it seems to me, many life transiosn--more than the eight Erikson focused on. Perhaps this is a more contemporary development? A continual series of major life transition. Or perhaps Erikson was trying to look at these transitions through a unversal lens, if one can be said to exist.

In any case. while Erisksonian theory was a foundational peice of my model, there were more as well. Marcia, who buidle upon Eriskon to look at how we move through the life stages. And then Joseph Campbell's monomoth, which explored how myths describe the psychological process of navigating the inevitable life crisis.

A couple more psychologicl modesl were involved, but those three were at the core.

And I called it Hero Psychology.

As a younger person, identity and particularly identity transitions, maybe becasue I struggled with them very badly as a very yound adult, was a big interest to me. This transition continues to be an interest to me to this day. But in different ways. Life transiton have a tremendous power to really shape our perceptions of ourslves and, thus, the world,,,and so, in fact, shape the world.

What I was really seaching for then was a way to explain the self in a more broad way. I felt the psychology of science, and social sciences in general, could only take me so far. And I was also searching for what connecting the self and society. To me, there seemed to be a missing link between how the two influenced eachother. And I was not happy with the soley social science explanation, although anthropology and sociology really helped me to see an bigger picture than psychology, particultly the role of culture and self.

I was at the same type stuying and teaching writing and reading a lot of literary and rehtorical theory. Narrative and methaphor seemed supremely important.. But again, I could not see how all the peices fit. And neither dsiciplined seemed to be interested in exploring this connection.

I was, however, already primed by Joseph Campbell, who I discovered prior to my studies. Who, I retrospectively realize, was, ironically, a big part of my intelluectual call to adventure.

And when I returned to his work, I felt the missing link was there--mythology. Or more broader thinking, story.

The link bewteen self and society is story. And so I began peicing together my theory. It was good. I presented on it. People were interested, but other things in life came up.

But the call is calling to me again. In more ways than one. Writing. New love. Intecual curiossity. My work with students. My sons getting older and on the bring of their own life transitions. Poltics...crazy, crazy politics. And more.

I continue to use my old theory to help me make sense of things. And I would like to use this blog to further develop the theory, rediscover the theory, make it better, and apply it more practically.

Can there be a practive of Hero Pychology? I think it can.

Can I be the first Hero Psychologist?

Since Robopsychologist never really took for me, maybe Hero Psychology can be the next best thing.

I joke...but there is also a truth behind the joke. (And, of course, the joke is probably only funny to me.)

Sex and Relationships and Dating...and Writing...in your 40's

I had exactly one post last year. Wow. That was not my intent, but it was a busy year. And the Life Line has changed for me. I did not need it as a Life Line in the same way I did when I started the blog in 2013...newly seperated, on the brink of divorce, learning to be a single dad of twin boys, and recently moved to a new towm. It was an intense year,

Things have gotten a lot better, but I still love to write...and I have been doing some. But not much. My newer role at work has just consumed me. I did finally buy that new house...this summer. I love it. It is great for me and my boys. Now I own two homes. I'm renting out one. I owned zero when I started this blog...and my credit was a wreck. I owe a lot, in ways, to the Life Line.

I started more actively dating in 2016 too. It had been a while. And 2017 begins with an actual girlfirend. It has real potential to become something more. But...some real obstacles I'll discuss (at least some) later.

But the Life Line for now is still a thing. And I would like to blog about other things as well, and not just use it as a semi-self-censored journal.

But it is getting late, and I'm getting tired--and I'd like to get to bed. I didn't sleep very well last night. But in a good way...as is the case when you have a girlfriend (or boyfriend..but I only do girlfriends...no pun intended).

Sex and relationships and dating in your 40's is very different. I want to say better. Sex is better. Perhaps a lot better. That is a pleasant surprise. I've never before really thought of sex as a sort of...dialogue...but it so absolutely is.

In any case, I am feeling I need the Life Line again...but I am not sure how. Writing has always been a lifeline for me...I just did not always recognize it as such, And when I write regularly, I know myself better, I focus better, and my thoughts, and thus life, are more organized

So what are my writing goals for 2017? What kind of writer do I want to be?

The quest continues in your 40's. There is always a new crisis moment...always a new heroes quest. Life as a heroes quest...maybe that is what I should name this blog. But we write our life stories as we go. So Writing as Life Line fits in that regard as well. All dialogue, all utterances are story. Or so our minds craft them as such.

So today, this new year, a new call. But I am not sure what the crisis is yet, or what the quest will be about. But the hero never does as first.

Back to Writing: Starting Small and Weighing Options

Writing. Writing. Writing.

2015 was a pretty big year for me, career-wise. This also seemed to mean little to no time spent writing. Which sucks.

But with a big income jump, I will not be teaching an additional online class part time, which equates into much more time I can spend on writing.

And I desperately want to get back into a daily writing commitment habit. If I'm honest with myself, writing is my passion and dream more than anything else.

But another part of me is pulling away from that. I look to keep furthering my career and start a Ph.D. program in the fall. Ugh. I would totally get in. And it is a program specifically for working professionals in Higher Ed., so I could make it work.

But at what cost? What would the potential pay off be?

Where is my line of taking on too much and becoming overwhelmed and exhausted and burnt out. And unhappy, for some future that I hope will be better. While also taking on more debt.

And yet, a part of me really want it.

But I need to write! I hate not writing. And I would like to finally commit to my writing. I have put off doing so my whole life, and...I'm not young anymore. Not old. But not young.

Life...got in the way. Grad school. Falling in love. Marriage. The Great Recession. The birth of my boys. Divorce.

And putting all the pieces back together after things fell apart (part of why I start the Life Line to begin with).

The pieces are now more in place than they have been in a long time. A good job with reasonable stability and opportunity for continued advancement.

About to close on a new home I feel very good about raising my boys in.

My ex and I have come to a really good place in terms of communicating well in order to get our boys' needs met.

I will be pretty busy with new house stuff for the next couple months...and sooo much stuff to do at work. Don't even want to think about that right now.

But today, now. before my boys wake up, I am writing. I have my coffee, and I have my keyboard. When I have my boys with me, writing in the morning is the only way I will be able to make it happen.

I guess I don't have to decide write now. If I do the Ph.D. thing, that would not even start until the fall. I have 8 months to write in the meantime. Hell, I could finish a novel by then.

So I am committing to writing on a daily basis once again. I need a plan to help keep up and persist with this commitment. Start small. Carve out specific time each day.

The Inevitable Crash at the End of the Tunnel

Do you how when you are just going and working and doing and no down time or break for so long and you are just doing it and going and going and you are tired but motivated and just keep going because there is so much to do and if you don't get it done, there really is no one else who can.....

....and then, finally, you get a bit a a respite, a day off when you can do some things, but decide to chill for once...

...and of course, your body, perhaps strategically, chooses that day to smack you down with a whopper of a cold...

...well that was basically my Christmas...

...sick as a dog, so the saying goes...where does that saying come from?

It was pretty intense. I don't remember being that sick in a long time. But I'm feeling a good deal better today and will be heading off to see the doctor to get drugs. DRUUUGGGS!

But first, I wanted to write a little this morning. Possibly may last Life Line post of the year, and the Life Line saw a bit of a renascence this year, and some big, but good, life transitions and opportunities that kept being put in my path. And I took them all on.

And it was a hugely successful year in that regard. My most successful perhaps, that I plan to continue building on.

I am moving closer to closing on my home (man, that process is a crazy on), and I found a person to rent my home out to. I was pretty worried about finding anyone, but the response was overwhelming. I should have list a higher monthly rent, Live and learn.

But now I am also thinking, after I build more equity, investing in rental properties might be a thing I may want to do.

And perhaps set up a sweet retirement source of income.

Something on my radar at least.

But first things first.

Things to do today. Christmas is net yet over...I kinda didn't get one, and my boys and I have some fun plans in stores (it was my ex's turn to have to boys on Christmas). Oddly, I wasn't depressed about it like I was the first time I didn't get to spend Christmas with my boys the first time a couple years back.

I missed them, of course, But this is now just the new norm, and the time I was with my ex and our family was together is become a distant memory (in the not so distant past).

It's a much healthier mental state to be in. Those first months, that first year and a half or so...that was rough on multiple levels.

And yet, it also led to some of the success I have been working up to. Not entirely sure I would have had the same success if I was still married. That may be totally unfair to my ex, but...there is truth there. Perhaps for both of us.

And yet...I still hang on to slivers of hope of our family coming back together.

Romantic fool.

Ugh. I get pretty tied pretty quickly. And sweat a lot. Gross, I know. Hopeful that is my body working to get this cold out of my system.

Don't worry, body, I will be sending some help down my gullet soon enough.

Oh, and coffee...so good this morning.

Yesterday, no coffee. You know you're sick when you don't crave coffee. That was perhaps the biggest indicator that this would be something I could shake off and power through.

But the black goodness is with me once again. And it was blissful.

Bliss.

Hmmm...I used to be very big on the notion of following your bliss. But my life has gone in some unexpected directions. Maybe I was too fixated on a path that was not really my bliss.

What, then, really is my bliss? What do I really want?

Writing is always somewhere in there. I would like to get back into writing, as I keep saying. Perhaps this year i will finally get to do so.

Perhaps.

Cycle of Ever-Expanding Projects and To-Dos; and Reconciliation Fantasies

Alright, I feel things are starting to come together, once again (life seems to be a series of expanding projects and obligations that snowball into an overwhelming kaleidoscope of tasks that become jumbled and unmanageable, but then, eventually--through planning, diligence, and hard work--stop expending and start coming under control, allowing for a short period of respite, only to begin anew as new shit, both self-imposed and externally demanded, continues to accumulate).

I'm still overwhelmed, but I am at at point where I am feeling things are more in control. For now, anyway.

I move closer and closer to the closing date on my new home. I had some pretty crazy hurdles there to deal with, and the deal was, at one point, in danger of falling apart. But it seems things are now pretty solid moving forward. But, of course, there is still work to do there.

Renting out my house: waaay easier than I had thought. The demand has been overwhelming. The process has been time consuming, but I am in a position where I have several people I feel comfortable with who are ready to sign a lease today (if I needed it). But, I need a firm loan approval commitment from the bank on my new house before I sign a lease, which complicates things a bit.

So very excited about this new home for my boys. It will be a great home for them to grow up in. Our current, smaller house has served us well. And, oddly, in my remaining time in my current home, which I have never been all too happy with, I had a moment this morning as I was standing in the living room and drinking coffee, that I would actually miss this crap-hole. I feel an odd loyalty to places i have lived. As if the houses our beings in their own right. This house has become us. We have developed a nice routine, and my boys are thriving. It is the first house I have owned. It will always be that. It has kept us safe in harsh weather. Last winter was particularly nasty. And we had a very real tornado scare not too long ago. I will never forget that. We camped out in our basement, played games, and watched shows on my computer. It kept us safe.

My boys have grown so much in the time we've spend here.

But we need something bigger and better, and I like the idea of having someone else pay the mortgage of for me, and even making a little profit from it, which I can apply toward my new mortgage payment.

Weird to think I will be a landlord, About time I am referred to as Lord. I may go by that all the time. (Joking.)

But seriously, this are is such an extreme renters market, I may by more property to rent out. It's a great side-business, as my realtor once told me. And could be my ticket to a comfortable retirement.

And who knows--I may come back to this smaller home and retire here. It's a nice, quite neighborhood, with a community of older residents.

I think about other things. Will I ever find love again? I have been so focused on my work and my boys. I have had no time for that. That time when I had love it my life is becoming a distant memory.

Yet, I do want someone to share my life with, eventually. Someone to adore and adore me back and tell me I am doing well and right by my family and the ones I love.

But I also don't feel ready to...compromise my life yet for someone else. I like the independence of running my life how I see fit and not having to consider anyone else, except my boys of course (and in practice, I do have to consider my ex in a lot of things I do and decisions I make...but it is of a very different nature than committing to someone romantically). I also don't know if I trust myself with love. And I can't afford big relationship mistakes anymore. I am just recovering from the, emotionally and financially, from the separation/divorce. She's moved on and sees people, I know. But I am me.

I guess I tend to cling to the past too much. I still have fantasies of getting back together. A total reenactment of my childhood, where I was always hopefully my mom and dad would get back together. I know my boys experience that same wish and always will on some level. That is one things my ex, who did not come from a broken home, will ever truly understand.

But I have this day dream that she will see my new home and, I don't know, what to bring our family back together under one room and realize the emotional and financial benefit to our boys.

Total pipe dream. She is someone else now...in ways very different from the persona she presented to me when we were married, while simultaneously also being the same person. We still have a camaraderie and inside jokes that surface sometime. Our relationship is a lot better. We have worked on that for our boys. But there is always a tension there. I don't know if that will ever fully disappear.

No word from that skype interview a coupe Fridays ago. Probably not a good sign. I will call to follow up this week.

There is another position closer to my home I have come across. I will look into that as well.

Well, I need to dive into grading...and get that done!

Managing Many High Stress Projects, Professional and Personal...and Loving It

Just finished a BIG report for work yesterday. My first as the program director. Been planning and prepping for it for months. There was a lot involved. Lots of late nights recently, lots of stress (normal-ish), and a lot of setting clear limits and prioritizing, since many people need my attention, input, approval, etc., for a variety of things.

I am very fortunate for the help I received in completing the reports. It entailed a lot of data to sift through, clean up, organize, etc. I could not have done it (not even come close) without their help. Thank you!

It was a pretty stressful week in general. A lot of high stress situation happening at the same time. The report was one, which I had to prioritize. But that was one among many.

The holiday season brings stress.

But another BIG one....I am buying a new house. Ahhhh! :)

Excited about it and stressed at the same time. We are in the closing process stage now, with a closing date set for sometime in early January. My second home. An upgrade...more space for my boys, as they are getting older and bigger and need more room. And I just love the house in general.

So that with a busy holiday season...and my crazy family...and financial planning stuff to make it all happen...stress.

Add to that I also have to rent out my current home and somewhat quickly, The next most important thing on my to do list.

I ALSO (and this will come across as extremely crazy) applied and had an interview to yet another position. Very similar to what I do now but much, much close to my home. A lot of things attractive about it, and I could not not apply. Had a short Skype interview for that yesterday (on busy due date for my report). But I squeezed it in and felt it went OK. They seemed extremely interested. We will see if they call me back for a face to face.

I love what I do now, so if I do get offered the position, I will have to consider the offer carefully. I guess that is a good position to be in.

I also have to finish grading for my online class. Ugh.

There's more, but I won't continue to bore you with the details. I have been knocking each things out, and moving closer to feeling...more in control.

Things are well. I finished that report, it's Saturday morning, I am doing some writing, and enjoying a cup of coffee in my home.

Becoming Overwhelmed...Todoist and Smartsheet to the Rescue!

I'm becoming more of a weekend warrior when it comes to writing. Work, as always, is to blame. Plus, my new position (and kindergarten,,,and nos soccer, which my boys love!) is a pretty big life transition I am still learning to balance. Especially the job, and I do have to admit feeling a bit overwhelmed with it, which is killing my excitement. But I am determined to build on that program and make it better! I have an excellent foundation to build from and a great staff.

But still...feeling overwhelmed.

I don't have a good workflow system in place. I just jumped in and started trouble shooting from the start.

I have a couple solution there. As I mentioned before, I am going back to Todoist. Have already started. It is a better project/task manager tool and I can sync with Evernote, especially for project planning, as needed. I have also starting using Smartsheet. This is a great team collaboration and project management tool. Very impressed with it so far.

A lot of today will be about getting ready for the week. But I also have to get to my second job (teaching an online class).

Busy day ahead, but I also worked in some good down time.

Back to it.

Budget-Anxiety (and Increasing Confidence), Emotional Intelligence and Leadership, & Video Games as a Self-Efficacy Tool

The semester is in full swing now. I have survived, but it was a crazy-busy week (in a good way). I still feel intimidated by the MUCH larger budget I manage, but I am feeling more comfortable with that already as well. The actual amount is more of a psychological thing. In practice, it is not so different from smaller budget amounts. The same budgeting principles apply (but there are also some differences due to the magnitude...and I feel confident I can do this well).

I'm currently in a situation where I am shopping around and will be spending a pretty large chunk of change. THAT feels somewhat intimidating, if I look at it big picture, which I do need to do. But using that big picture to break it into smaller chunks does wonders. I will be working on that stuff today and will have a plan to get this done tomorrow. I really am looking forward to showing them my awesomeness in this situation.

Then I can move on to other things,

Like I keep saying, I love these challenges and the mental stimulation involved.

But this particular issue has been my priority and most immediate focus all week, and it currently still dominates my other priorities. Part of the problem is inheriting a budget and researching back what has been spent, when, where, and why. The transition between directors and my somewhat late start at a critical time has presented more challenges. This combination will lead to some other consequences, but I have a good grasp on that as well.

But I feel good about how I have been handling this.

I look forward to when it will be "my budget."

What I am not as proud of with my performance is how I have been implemented needed changes with the work group. I have not been tended to the work groups needs or feedback very well, and it has left them feeling thrown off. That is totally on me, so I have to address it. Re-evaluate and tend better to the emotional state of cohesion of the group. I may have to pull back on some things and give them more agency in helping with and planning these changes.

This, too, I can turn into an opportunity for growth, for me and for the group, and for each individual. I've been becoming very big on the concept of emotional intelligence and how that relates to successful leadership. My training in counseling really puts me at an advantage there, I believe.

-------

My boys are doing well in kindergarten. We had an open house, and I was impressed with how the teacher praised their ability to listen well (we've been working on that), their enthusiasm, and how well they are doing with letters and starting to read. So proud of them. I especially rewarded the the listening praise.

I have also been working on helping to cultivate a positive attitude for difficult/frustrating tasks, and I am starting to see pay offs already. They are now telling me how when they accomplish something difficult, they kept telling themselves they can do it (they were getting in this habit of saying things like, "I will NEVER be able to do it," which was worrying me) and how that is directly translating into what I am seeing in an increased willingness to persevere and eventual success. Love it!

I know it can be anathema to discuss video games as anything else but a terrible thing for children, but I disagree...if used properly and with intention. It can be used a positive tool that can help with confidence, competition, and increased self-efficacy in other areas, including academic.

I am not a fan of the violent video games for my children, but research is showing they do not necessarily promote increased violent tendencies. Anecdotally, one of my nephews played a lot of very violent games when he was younger, and I was worried how that may affect him. But he has matured in a very accomplished young man who is doing very well academically and in his numerous extra-curriculars.

After Some Experimentation With Different Project/Task Management Tools, ToDoist Seems to be the Best Fit

It was actually good to be back to work yesterday, and I am looking forward to getting started again today, I just like implementing and executing plans and collaborating productively with a team to get things done...part of my new(er) productivity kick,

Given what I learned at the training workshop, there are a number of changes we need to implement asap...some I had already been considering, some have become more pressing due to recent staff circumstances, and some have become a very immediate priority based on what I learned (including some immediate budget concerns, which, frankly, intimidate me).

But my big focus has been changing our scheduling structure, and I am getting good feedback and some push back. Collaboration is really important to me as a leader, and I want ideas to flow freely (and a culture that cultivates ideas). But when I decide on a course of actions based on all the feedback, I need full commitment to it from everyone. I like monitoring and analyzing what is and isn't working to continually tweak, but the staff needs to commit. And I am getting that and...not getting that. But it is a process and a challenge I enjoy and am excited about.

I have also all but decided to go back to ToDoist. I experimented with it for myself for a while...and it is a great tool. I just like using one tool, Evernote, instead of multiple ones. But for a team project/task manager, I have revisited ToDoist. I was hoping Asana would be the team project manager, but I have not been pleased with the functionality, especially the app, which is very limited. The ToDoist integration with multiple platforms is fantastic. And the app, which I have reinstalled on my phone, is simply beautiful. Plus, it is, in a sense, Evernote compatible. I can send a not as a task to ToDoist through the app...a feature I truly like.

Plus it has all the communication, group project sharing, and assigning of tasks that I really wanted. So, I am planning to introduce that to the team...soon. But first, I have some more immidiate issues that are extremeley time consuming and time sensitive to address.

But I will be planning a ToDoist rollout very soon.

Extended Stay Adventures: Mix of Getting Things Done and Getting to Know This City

Busy day yesterday, despite not having any training or anything else "scheduled." I did end up getting my stay extended for additional training (important stuff the college agree I should stay for). Yesterday was a sort of in-between sessions day, so I have a day to myself...in the West Coast! I spent a good deal of the day, however, working. Catching up on emails, trouble shooting issues needed my attention, planning, etc. I felt rather productive. I do like being in charge of this program. Such a great fit for me in terms of professional expertise and passion. Would I like more money, of course. But with hard and good work, that will come. And what would the next step be? Do I want to take on an even larger program? Maybe include more under what I already do? Maybe. Would I want to be a dean someday? It sounds attractive. Again, my answer is maybe. I need a better idea of what is involved, and it seems like a lot! I respect our Dean (the one I work most with) a lot. Very busy, hardworking, and straight forward. I like all those, but especially the straight-forwardness. I want to convey that to him. I like my new responsibilities, although it feels overwhelming at times. I have to be patient with myself there.

I probably could have continued working indefinitely. There is always more work to do. But after the most pressing things were taken care of, I decided to stop and spend a little time enjoying this beautiful city. I again went for a nice jog along the bay. Felt good. I then decided to rent a car to really explore the city and the area. That is me. I wanted to get a feel for things and just go where things led me. That I did. I'm a navy veteran, so I visited the naval museum and all the bases in the area. I was stationed East Coast, so I really wanted to see and experience the bases on this side. My old ship (re: my old home for four years) is actually currently docked here, which I found prtty amazing. Wherever you go, home is kind of always there. But, as they say, you can never go home again. As a veteran, I am not allowed back on bases, despite my VA card. I need an active military ID (or retired ID). Don't have those. Could not get on the bases, and they have currently stopped tours. I really tried multiple paths to see if I could get on board my old ship, even for a while. Just not happening. Irony. Stuck on that thing for four years. Couldn't wait to leave. And here I wanted nothing more than to get back on. Can't believe it's been 15 years. Where does the time go. In any case, I got as close as I could. It was good just to see her live and in port again. Talk about nostalgia.

I also checked out a local island and stopped at a ocean beach front. It was starting to get late, so I headed back to the city. I also had some other errands to run, included stocking up on things I needed, since I hadn't planned to stay so long. I just enjoyed the cruising. Got to see and experience the area.

My last stop was this fantastic bar on the top of a hotel that overlooked the local MLB park. I wasn't particularly interested in the game, but I am an old school sport fanatic (retired from the past time in a way--but considering picking it up for my boys sake...and also to bond more with other men--people love sports, as I used to, but I just kind of got sick of it...not sure how to rekindle that passion, and it is hard to fake it). It was fun, and I watched the game, drank and overpriced beer, and chatted with a few strangers who were also from out of town travelling on business trips.

Sessions start up again today. Kind of a bummer. Would love to chill more, but this is really important stuff, so I do have to psyche myself back up, get back into it. I may be more down-low with the activities. I can't spend to much (but I would say I have been pretty frugal, while also giving myself permission to experience life).

Good to write again. I regretting not having enough time to do so yesterday (and I thought I would have plenty).

Miss my boys. I made sure we talked yesterday. I love them so. I love our relationship and our strong bond. That is precious to me.

Getting Older, Maturity, and the Moment as Your Life

Day Two waking up in the West Coast. The training was fantastic and super helpful, and I am looking to see if I can stay long for the next training sessions. If I can, the most difficult part may be scheduling issues with the ex...and that I'd terribly miss my boys.

I don't have much time this morning. I did a few work emails first thing, but I wanted to sneak in a quick blog post.

I did get out on the town a little bit. Wanted to make sure I did. I have a couple cool activities planned for today as well. Who knows...I may never be here again. As I get older, life feels shorter and therefore more...precious. I want to soak it up more. Enjoy it more, even the parts that suck.

I am not sure if I posted about this before, but I found a great quote that has really resonated with me: "Be happy for this moment...for this moment is your life."

I am also excited about the things I am learning. I have a bunch of ideas of the changes I would like to make in our work group. Positive changes I am looking forward too. Some things we really HAVE to change.

If I can stay longer for the next training sessions, I would have a day of nothing to do. I would make that a work day...get lots of things done I could not otherwise fit in. In ways, it would be beneficial.

I hope I can make this extension work.

We will see.

Traveling, Motion Sickness, Penthouses, and the Tyranny of Morning People

Writing from my hotel balcony in the West Cost. Ocean front. It's a beautiful morning with. Pleasant breeze. The travels went fine, but despite all my efforts, anti-motion sick drugs, and precautions, I felt pretty sick. I've always been prone to motion sickness. Not excessively. But it made my service in the Navy a little rough at times. I love airport, but I hate flying. It's not a fear of heights, I just get a pretty bad headache and nausea. Guess I was never a bird in a past life.

But the travel was still fun, and I made a friend on the airplane (as airplane friendships go, anyway).

About an hour and a half before the training starts. Still have to get dresses. Already ate breakfast...in the penthouse overlooking the bay. It's been a long time since I've seen a docked aircraft carrier.

I'm debating whether to shower and shave. I showered before I passed out and woke a little later than I would have liked. And I don't mind a little unshaven, but neatly trimmed scruff. Though less professional. We'll see.

The ride allowed me to spend more time reading up on all the things, rules, regulations, budget stuff, I need to know for my new job. And also brainstorm and write down ideas as I did so. I enjoyed the process. I was more focused being away from the daily grind and concerns of my life at home. Hmm. What does that say about how I can better optimize things at home to be more productive and creative?

It's pretty early, and a lot of people are up and about doing things already. Why would they not sleep in? I would definitely still be in bed if I didn't have to get up. I am not a morning person at all. But I get up really early every day out of necessity. But my circadian rhythm always rebels (confessional--i had to look that word up...I was originally going to type internal clock).

Anyway, time to get ready for the day and turn on my social face.