A Break, Another Life Transition

We're officially on a break, effective today. I have been with the most wonderful woman since 2016. 

It's my fault. 

Things were going well prior to this...unexpected crisis, but the ongoing struggles of a long distance relationship can be very hard. Especially as you fall more deeply in love and strongly feel you should be spending your life with this person. But circumstances continue to keep you apart.

I screwed up. I lied. 

Sit on that for a moment.

I don't know if the break will become a break up. I think no one really ever knows that. A break obviously is not a sign things are great. But I made a selfish mistake. Not an infidelity. Not getting into specifics. But that's what happened. And it's been a stressful week for us as we've tried to processes this together.

I am hopeful the break will allow us to come back together. Maybe stronger than ever. But it may just be prelude to something more permanent.

Either way, I have to live with my mistake. My shitty behavior. A lie can be a small thing. But it grows so fast. And you lie more to cover up the lie. 

I do not feel very good about myself. Truth is I have not felt so good for a while. I haven't been able to understand why. But this whole thing has helped me...forced me, really...to really get under the hood and look at what's been banging around in there. Sometimes you really want to ignore that loud banging. Hope it will just stop. I wondered if a COVID thing. But I don't think that's it either. Probably several things that have converged and come to a head. 

And this relationship crisis really pushed it into full gear. I am considering therapy for myself, along with other serious self-work. 

I don't know exactly what a break means. I think it can mean different things to different couples. Are we even still a couple? In a way. I guess. You can't be on a break if there isn't a thing there to break from. Right?

I will really miss her and struggle with this loss. I will work to not pester her. To give her the space she is asking for.

And I will really dive into what the hell is going on for me. Maybe the Life Line can be a tool to help me look at that.

I have a new tablet, so busting out a quick blog post might be easier than ever.

I am also interested in talking about new developments with my productivity systems. That kind of thing goes well with self work. 

So...a new life transition. And all that comes with that. 

Happy Valentine's Day. Happy 2021.