Cycle of Ever-Expanding Projects and To-Dos; and Reconciliation Fantasies
Alright, I feel things are starting to come together, once again (life seems to be a series of expanding projects and obligations that snowball into an overwhelming kaleidoscope of tasks that become jumbled and unmanageable, but then, eventually--through planning, diligence, and hard work--stop expending and start coming under control, allowing for a short period of respite, only to begin anew as new shit, both self-imposed and externally demanded, continues to accumulate).
I'm still overwhelmed, but I am at at point where I am feeling things are more in control. For now, anyway.
I move closer and closer to the closing date on my new home. I had some pretty crazy hurdles there to deal with, and the deal was, at one point, in danger of falling apart. But it seems things are now pretty solid moving forward. But, of course, there is still work to do there.
Renting out my house: waaay easier than I had thought. The demand has been overwhelming. The process has been time consuming, but I am in a position where I have several people I feel comfortable with who are ready to sign a lease today (if I needed it). But, I need a firm loan approval commitment from the bank on my new house before I sign a lease, which complicates things a bit.
So very excited about this new home for my boys. It will be a great home for them to grow up in. Our current, smaller house has served us well. And, oddly, in my remaining time in my current home, which I have never been all too happy with, I had a moment this morning as I was standing in the living room and drinking coffee, that I would actually miss this crap-hole. I feel an odd loyalty to places i have lived. As if the houses our beings in their own right. This house has become us. We have developed a nice routine, and my boys are thriving. It is the first house I have owned. It will always be that. It has kept us safe in harsh weather. Last winter was particularly nasty. And we had a very real tornado scare not too long ago. I will never forget that. We camped out in our basement, played games, and watched shows on my computer. It kept us safe.
My boys have grown so much in the time we've spend here.
But we need something bigger and better, and I like the idea of having someone else pay the mortgage of for me, and even making a little profit from it, which I can apply toward my new mortgage payment.
Weird to think I will be a landlord, About time I am referred to as Lord. I may go by that all the time. (Joking.)
But seriously, this are is such an extreme renters market, I may by more property to rent out. It's a great side-business, as my realtor once told me. And could be my ticket to a comfortable retirement.
And who knows--I may come back to this smaller home and retire here. It's a nice, quite neighborhood, with a community of older residents.
I think about other things. Will I ever find love again? I have been so focused on my work and my boys. I have had no time for that. That time when I had love it my life is becoming a distant memory.
Yet, I do want someone to share my life with, eventually. Someone to adore and adore me back and tell me I am doing well and right by my family and the ones I love.
But I also don't feel ready to...compromise my life yet for someone else. I like the independence of running my life how I see fit and not having to consider anyone else, except my boys of course (and in practice, I do have to consider my ex in a lot of things I do and decisions I make...but it is of a very different nature than committing to someone romantically). I also don't know if I trust myself with love. And I can't afford big relationship mistakes anymore. I am just recovering from the, emotionally and financially, from the separation/divorce. She's moved on and sees people, I know. But I am me.
I guess I tend to cling to the past too much. I still have fantasies of getting back together. A total reenactment of my childhood, where I was always hopefully my mom and dad would get back together. I know my boys experience that same wish and always will on some level. That is one things my ex, who did not come from a broken home, will ever truly understand.
But I have this day dream that she will see my new home and, I don't know, what to bring our family back together under one room and realize the emotional and financial benefit to our boys.
Total pipe dream. She is someone else now...in ways very different from the persona she presented to me when we were married, while simultaneously also being the same person. We still have a camaraderie and inside jokes that surface sometime. Our relationship is a lot better. We have worked on that for our boys. But there is always a tension there. I don't know if that will ever fully disappear.
No word from that skype interview a coupe Fridays ago. Probably not a good sign. I will call to follow up this week.
There is another position closer to my home I have come across. I will look into that as well.
Well, I need to dive into grading...and get that done!
I'm still overwhelmed, but I am at at point where I am feeling things are more in control. For now, anyway.
I move closer and closer to the closing date on my new home. I had some pretty crazy hurdles there to deal with, and the deal was, at one point, in danger of falling apart. But it seems things are now pretty solid moving forward. But, of course, there is still work to do there.
Renting out my house: waaay easier than I had thought. The demand has been overwhelming. The process has been time consuming, but I am in a position where I have several people I feel comfortable with who are ready to sign a lease today (if I needed it). But, I need a firm loan approval commitment from the bank on my new house before I sign a lease, which complicates things a bit.
So very excited about this new home for my boys. It will be a great home for them to grow up in. Our current, smaller house has served us well. And, oddly, in my remaining time in my current home, which I have never been all too happy with, I had a moment this morning as I was standing in the living room and drinking coffee, that I would actually miss this crap-hole. I feel an odd loyalty to places i have lived. As if the houses our beings in their own right. This house has become us. We have developed a nice routine, and my boys are thriving. It is the first house I have owned. It will always be that. It has kept us safe in harsh weather. Last winter was particularly nasty. And we had a very real tornado scare not too long ago. I will never forget that. We camped out in our basement, played games, and watched shows on my computer. It kept us safe.
My boys have grown so much in the time we've spend here.
But we need something bigger and better, and I like the idea of having someone else pay the mortgage of for me, and even making a little profit from it, which I can apply toward my new mortgage payment.
Weird to think I will be a landlord, About time I am referred to as Lord. I may go by that all the time. (Joking.)
But seriously, this are is such an extreme renters market, I may by more property to rent out. It's a great side-business, as my realtor once told me. And could be my ticket to a comfortable retirement.
And who knows--I may come back to this smaller home and retire here. It's a nice, quite neighborhood, with a community of older residents.
I think about other things. Will I ever find love again? I have been so focused on my work and my boys. I have had no time for that. That time when I had love it my life is becoming a distant memory.
Yet, I do want someone to share my life with, eventually. Someone to adore and adore me back and tell me I am doing well and right by my family and the ones I love.
But I also don't feel ready to...compromise my life yet for someone else. I like the independence of running my life how I see fit and not having to consider anyone else, except my boys of course (and in practice, I do have to consider my ex in a lot of things I do and decisions I make...but it is of a very different nature than committing to someone romantically). I also don't know if I trust myself with love. And I can't afford big relationship mistakes anymore. I am just recovering from the, emotionally and financially, from the separation/divorce. She's moved on and sees people, I know. But I am me.
I guess I tend to cling to the past too much. I still have fantasies of getting back together. A total reenactment of my childhood, where I was always hopefully my mom and dad would get back together. I know my boys experience that same wish and always will on some level. That is one things my ex, who did not come from a broken home, will ever truly understand.
But I have this day dream that she will see my new home and, I don't know, what to bring our family back together under one room and realize the emotional and financial benefit to our boys.
Total pipe dream. She is someone else now...in ways very different from the persona she presented to me when we were married, while simultaneously also being the same person. We still have a camaraderie and inside jokes that surface sometime. Our relationship is a lot better. We have worked on that for our boys. But there is always a tension there. I don't know if that will ever fully disappear.
No word from that skype interview a coupe Fridays ago. Probably not a good sign. I will call to follow up this week.
There is another position closer to my home I have come across. I will look into that as well.
Well, I need to dive into grading...and get that done!
Comments
Post a Comment