Exploring the Existential Mythopoetics of Wilfred, Netflix, and Doing Nothing

First time I have actually been able to sit down to write much of anything not work related all week. I have been able to keep up with my daily blogposts, but they have been short. Three have been from my cell while lying in bed about to fall asleep. But I did them.

Today was a fabulous day of rest. Netflix is my new god. Watched almost the whole second season of the Wilfred. It really is awesome show, though I don't hear others really talk about it. Whatever...it's fucking brilliant.

I did also mange to get some things done today. Laundry (post-crazy, middle-of-the-night-projectile-toddler-vomit-episode), re-arranged my bed, and put together the boys bed (finally)...among other things. So not a total waste. But leisurely. I really did need the break.

The wife left early in the morning, and I made breakfast for the boys...and got them dressed and did just about everything else involved in caring for and tending to their needs....middle of the night vomit episode included. So, yeah, in case you didn't read yesterday's post, my wife (separated and soon to be ex-wife) slept at my place last night. No idea why...although using me to shirk taking care of our sons is a top contender.

But at least I'm not bitter about it or anything.

And despite her general negligence, the boys do really miss her by the end of the week, and I am happy for them that they are getting to spend some time with their mother this weekend. Brave little men. Man, I fucking love those little shitheads.

But I am thankful for the break today. And since they are now with me most of the time, I can enjoy my time to myself when they aren't here...unlike when we did the every other week thing, and I missed them like crazy and spent the week in a sort of half -depressed stupor. Things are starting to stabilize. Return to a new normal.

Although I am seeing some new developments from my boys as they mature a bit more and seem to be getting more of a sense that something's rotten in Denmark.

(Tangent...one can argue that there are some thematic similarities between Hamlet and Wilfred. I almost wish I was still an undergrad English student, so I could research and write a killer essay about it. Almost. It's all very existential...and stuff.)

So far today, introvert me is content to spend some time with my coffee, a couple good books, my laptop, and Wilfred...and George Carlin wisdom.

When Your Soon to Be Ex-Wife Spends the Night

It isn't how it sounds. No monkey businessing going on. Not sure I would object...I have been monkey business-less for longer than I care to admit...to myself. But mostly, I'm just wondering why the fuck she is here.

She came to pick up the boys for the weekend, as per our custody arrangements. She wanted to do dinner, her treat. Not uncommon. We often all get lunch or dinner together during exchanges. It's good for the boys that we do things together as a family. And we take turns paying.

But this time, it was getting late for the boys, and my wife and I live a couple hours apart. I was concerned she would be too tired when she got home to give the boys their bath (and that she would consequently blow it off). And they NEED to have one everyday. Especially after playing hard all day at the germ factory...I mean day care.

So she suggested her and the boys spend the night at my place.

I am not sure why I agreed.

And it is now just all weird. And the boys seem confused by this development. Mommy and Daddy living in different homes is their "normal" now.

I should not have been surprised when she started getting pissy and irritable. Why would a few months of separation change her disposition?

Maybe she misses her girlfriend or something.

So again I ask, why the fuck is she here? What is this really about? And when is she leaving?

I hope first thing in the morning.

It's weird: we are spending the night in the same house. At one point, we were laying in the same bed (to help our boys fall asleep). The bed we used to share as a couple.

We are playing house. And yet, I do not think of her as my wife. She is a stranger...who closely resembles the woman I loved for ten years.

Maybe evil twins from parallel universes do exist.

Smartphone Blogger...Again

Title pretty much says it all. Two days in a row writing and posting blogs from my smartphone. I predict this trend will increasingly continue. Maybe I can carve out a niche for myself as THE smartphone blogger...or something. I wonder if such a person is already out there. I would not be surprised. My boys fell asleep fast. Thank the old gods and the new.

Blogging From My Smartphone

I knew I'd eventually have to rely on my smartphone to fit in my daily blog post. Been so very busy lately. Falling asleep as I type. Keep predding...pressing the wrong keys. But now I'm done.

Lots of Work, a Pretty Sitter, and Little Time for Writing

First day of classes today. I teach my first class of the semester tomorrow. A little nervous. Still some things to get ready.

I had to use a sitter for my boys today. First time since I've been single. Pretty girl. A good ten years too young for me though. Most important, she did an excellent job.

It'll be a long day tomorrow. Will be hard to get any real writing in until the weekend.

Thank You For All Those Cards and Letters: Post Interview

My son is sitting in my lap as I type. It's pretty precious.

I thought the interview went really well. I will have to write and send those thank you cards asap tomorrow.

Writing is somehow always involved.

Tired now. Exhausted really. I think we all are.

State of the Blog: Week Six: It's a Steady Job, but He Wants to Be a Paperback Writer

Still here. And still writing. Although not as much fiction and/or creative non-fiction as I would like. Still working on a way to fit doing so into my life. In the meantime, I am writing every day. I have committed to that. Going on six week now (except for one day when exhaustion got the best of me).

My main focus right now is my interview tomorrow. I am feeling relaxed and confident. We'll see if that lasts as I get closer to the interview. Mind set: just be me and be confident in what I know and that I am awesome at what I do. They will either like what I have to offer and feel I am a good fit for the position or not. That part is out of my control.

I also have the luxury of already having a good job with excellent benefits. But there can also be a danger in that. It can make one complacent, not as hungry for possible better jobs. And that is what this is: a better job that will, I hope, propel me to the next stage in the development of my career...just in case I don't make it as a best selling paperback writer. I suppose I will first need to actually sell a story.

Deciding to Be OK With Missing a Day

It's been a pretty busy time at work. I thought my performance today at the orientation workshops kinda sucked, but everything seemed to turn out fine.

Anyway, I didn't get in a blog post yesterday. I basically just crashed when I got home. A luxury I don't usually get when I have my boys with me. I was just going to sit on the couch and chill for a second. But that turned into passing the fuck out. I woke in the middle of the night and realized I didn't get my blog post done for the day. I was upset at first. I was really hoping to be able to stick to that goal.

I considered writing two today to make up for the one I missed. But I decided against that. Trying to play catch-up sucks. Better to just move on and stick to the regular daily goal. I also decided to allow myself to be OK with missing one day.

Missed Blog Post: 8/23/13

Nothing to see here. Move along. Seriously. I didn't write a blog post this day. I wrote what you are reading the next day and then changed the publication date to the date I missed.

So this is just filler to sort of mark the "space" for the day I missed.

Makes perfect sense in my head.

The Post Where I Rant About a Lot of Shit

Soooo fucking backed up at work. I will have  do some catching up either tonight after the boys fall asleep or early in the morning. AND I have to work on Saturday this week. AND I have that interview Monday I still haven't prepared for.

* * * * * * * * 

My wife will be picking up the boys from day care tomorrow. I can use the break, and it will only be for a couple days; but I'm also already starting to feel shitty and depressed about not seeing them.

I was looking through old family pictures and videos, which just made me my depressed...not clinically or anything. It just sucks. And I STILL can't believe this is the life my wife has chosen for our family and herself. A life where she only sees her sons 2 to 3 days per week. A life where her boys don't have access to her every day.

Wish I never met her. And I never would have had children with her if I knew she was capable of this. 

Just in a bitter fucking pissed off, sad mood today. I miss my family. And she is off having a great time or whatever with her girlfriend. Homewrecker bitch. 

Rejections: Striving to Look on the Bright Side of Life

I got a rejection letter today for a job I was ultra-qualified for. And I know my cover letter and CV was good. Not even an interview. Can't win em' all, I guess.

Note to self: do not get into an argument with with a member of the board of trustees who significant influence with the human resources staff at the work place you are applying to. In my defense, I didn't know who the man was at the time, and he was a total jackass. Perhaps a sign I would not have fight in well in that work environment.

I have that interview for what could be a better job on Monday. And a couple more recently submitted applications floating out in the ether. More importantly, I have a good, salaried job in my chosen profession, and I am good at it. It pays the bills. Supports my family. Allows me to save for retirement and save a little extra on the side.

Always looks at the bright side of your life. (It's a work in progress.)

Excuses for Not Writing...Another Useless Self-Pity Rant

Finding it hard to get any writing done this week while watching my boys. Just a very busy time in the school semester. And continuing to write and submit more cover letters.

I don't want to use that as an excuse, however. I think the solution is being more organized, so I have more time. Maybe get my fiction writing done in the mornings.

* * * * * * * * *

On a less positive note, I find myself missing my wife again at times. And I fucking loathe that I have to miss her at all.

I don't necessarily miss her, or rather, who she is. I miss our family being whole. For my boys and for me. I miss having someone in my life who I thought was my best friend and life companion.

End self-pity rant.

Interviewed and Interviewing...and Evil Laughing

Thinking more about my interview next Monday. Getting nervous about it. I have to start practicing...including practicing positive self-talk.

Coincidentally, at work I am currently part of a hiring committee involved in interviewing others. It's interesting to be on the "other side" of the interview table.

And useful to my own upcoming interview.

[Insert Evil Laugh Here]

State of the Blog: Week Five: Writing More Fiction

I made a couple recent changes to the blog. And the shorter, simpler posts during the week is working out well.

I plan to keep building on that. And to continue to increase my fiction writing output. That is my ultimate goal...the point of this blog, and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

I have been increasingly working on my fiction. I wrote a good chunk yesterday by means of an interesting new web page I found: 750words.com.

It's pretty self explanatory. You have to write 750 words, approximately three pages, everyday. The site tracks your progress.

Unfortunately, it isn't a free site. I have a 30 day free membership. After that, membership is $5 per month.

Why the fuck would I pay to do something I can do for free? So, I will use it as the useful tool it is for now.

I am working up to the National Novel Writing Month (a.k.a. NaNoWriMo) in November. For those know in the know, it is nationwide initiative to inspire fledgling writers churn out a 50,000 word novel in one month. I have dabbled with it in the past, but never fully committed. This year, will.

There are 30 days in November, so to write 50,000 words during that month, I will needs to write 1,667 words per day. That is completely manageable.

I'm reminded of Stephen King's advice to beginners from On Writing to write 1000 words...everyday. His daily goal is 2000. Fantastic book. I used to read and listen to it constantly.

Working up to my goal will, of course, mean more short blog posts. Most likely brief updates on my writing progress and other tidbits here and there.

I plan to have a rough draft of a novel by the first of December. Scratch that. I WILL have a novel rough draft by December.

Whether the novel sucks or not is irrelevant at this point. To get better at writing, you have to write. And read a lot. (More Stephen Kind advice...and advice countless other authors espouse.)

I have the reading part down, and I am getting back to the daily writing commitment.

* * * * * * * * * 

Picking up my boys from their mother today. Didn't get the house as cleaned as I would have liked, but as I wrote yesterday, I was in desperate need need of some do nothing time. I'm still working to not feel guilty about it. 

I miss my boys. But I also worry about them, as usual. I just want to do what is best for them. I have to have more faith and confidence that I am doing just that. Something to practice and work on. 

Sloth is the New Productive: Guilt-Free...Kinda

I didn't do shit today. I sat on my ass and stuffed my face. And it was glorious. I had a sort of Orange is the New Black marathon. Pretty good show. I enjoy it.

I did feel guilty doing nothing, knowing there were things I could be doing. But another voice in my head reminded me I worked hard all week, and I even stayed up late Friday night to get more work done.

And I return to the fray tomorrow, so shouldn't I be allowed one day to myself to recharge? That's an important thing for us introverts. And I do feel recharged. I did do some cleaning, and I will probably get a little more done before bed. Probably the dishes.

And here I am getting some writing done.

And yet....and yet.

There is that part of my that won't let myself off the hook. A powerful voice that always reminds me that no matter what I do, it's not good enough.

I have named this person in the past. My inner critic.

Introducing: Durty Frank.

Another Cover Letter Sent: Boring, But Keeps My Mind Off Missing My Boys

It hasn't even been a full day, I get them back Sunday (thanks to the new custody arrangement), and yet I still miss my boys like crazy.

At the same time, I could really use the break. A weird, conflicting emotion. Part of me even wishes I could got more time to myself.

The plight of all introverts, I would guess.

But I am really glad they are getting some time with their mother. (Weird mental shift of thinking of my wife as "their mother".) One of my sons, especially, was really missing her. I worry a few days won't be enough time for him. But all I can do is be there for him, provide lots of love and encouragement, and help him work through his emotions (but also allow them and validate his feelings...not teach him to bury them away).

The boys have a very strong emotional attachment style. They are handing everything extremely well. I am so very proud of them.

* * * * * * * * * 

Got another job application off today. This one is a bit further away from my wife. She may balk at that, assuming I get it. I am also unsure about taking my boys further from her. But it is a great fit for me. And also a good deal closer to my family and closest friends. 

I am pretty isolated in the town I live in now. It's a shitty, smaller town. Not the kind of pace I am accustomed to, and I just don't feel I "fit" here at times.

And I definitely need a support group if I am going to do the single-dad-raising-twin-sons thing. 

My Boys: Grief and Divorce

One of my sons is a momma's boy. And he is really starting to struggle emotionally with my wife's absence. She isn't a part of his daily life anymore. And he misses her. A lot.

She called to talk to me about a few issues today, and my son really wanted to speak to her...and see her. I had to ask her to talk to him. She didn't offer on her own.

When he did get on the phone, he was so clearly torn. Lips quivering. Only able to get out a few whimpers.

She was clueless and more interested in her shopping trip.

My heart ached for him.

I try to give him as much love and reassurance as possible. He deserves that...at the very least.

I have nothing but contempt for my wife. But I can't let that show...for my boys' sake.

Hurt me, fine. But don't hurt our boys.

More Cover Letter Issues...and Sexist 80's Commercials

It's going to be hard to finish two cover letters, vitas, and job applications by Friday...if I want to sleep. And not sleeping is not an option. I would totally crash after work, and I can't do that. I have to be fully present for my boys. Plus, I'm not as young as I used to be.

My boys are having a freak out session right now. I totally get the old school Calgon commercials now. Apparently, the women from the video clip LOVES it.

I never realized how sexualized those comcercials were. Too young in the eighties. So, yes, clearly sexist.

Buuuut....Calgon, along with that naked bathing women, would in fact help me to feel much more relaxed.

Cover Letter Writing III: From Writing to the Interview

The dinner time movie for the boys today: Tangled. Pretty damn good. I like the big bad: Mother! (She knows best.)

* * * * * * * * * 

I got called in for an interview for one of the jobs I applied to. Not sure of the date yet, but I'm excited. I thought too much time had lapsed and that I did not get it.

I want it pretty bad. It would be a step up for me...along with  well a lot of other benefits and perks I really like about the position. It would also be a fresh start, post-separation and pending divorce. And yet, I feel frightened. Too many changes at once. I just moved. And I would have to start my boys at another new day care.

Most of my fears revolve around them, actually. I so want to do right by them. And yet, I know my current job won't take me where I want to go. I always knew it was a stepping stone. A big one actually. And here I am on the precipice of another big career step...and I'm afraid. The known always feels safer. More secure. Even if it's not.

Despite my fears, I plan to have an awesome interview and get this fucking job. That's the fucking attitude I need!

A change in attitude, like anything else, requires intention and practice. Positive self-talk and affirmations can be a powerful tool.

And....I would like to reiterate that I AM, in fact, an awesome cover letter writer.

Choices: For Writing and Parenting

Got some work done on my cover letter today. Crazy-busy time at the day job now, so I have to sneak in applying to other, hopefully better jobs when I can. I need to get two applications in by Friday. I can do this. Then I'll be able to get back to some real writing.

My boys are watching their show, Bubble Guppies, on TV and eating dinner, so this is the only time I have to get my daily blog post in.

Wondering if I may eventually have to resort to writing and publishing blog posts from my phone. That would be a worst-case scenario. But at at least I would still be blogging everyday.

* * * * * * * * *

My wife and I are ironing out the divorce details. Hate it...but is also good to finally start getting through this shitty process. She is so amazingly shady about things at times. I can't even believe what I put up from her for so long. She sucks. Hard. And not in a sexually enjoyable way. 

The most fucked up part is that I would take her back. But only for the boys. I truly believe they will be the ones to suffer most for this...emotionally and financially. And I can't believe my ex doesn't see/understand that. 

I worry a lot about making the right choices for my boys. Single parent-hood is stressful as shit.

The Virtue of Short Blog Posts

Boys napping again. Very hard not to nap with them...again. Almost fell asleep. But I have to get work done on a new vitae. Windows of opportunity can close fast.

Soooo don't feel like it. Coffee will help me through.

No work on my story today. But I did get a blog post in. It's short, but a post is a post.

State of the Blog: Week Four

My boys are upstairs in bed napping. Sooo tempting to nap with them.

But this may be my only chance to get any writing in today.

First week we start the new custody arrangement: I have them during the week and my wife has them during the weekends. And, of course, I have them on the weekend as well. So utterly unsurprising. Another disastrous emergency that my spouse has to attend to instead of being with her sons.

Not complaining that I have them. Complaining about her.

Also, I don't know what to call her. I mean, she has a name—which I won't reveal on this blog (maybe I should giver her a pseudonym?)—but my point is that it feels inaccurate calling her wife. Technically (legally), she is still my wife. In practice...not at all. But she's not my ex-wife yet either. And something like soon-to-be-ex-wife just sounds clumsy and feels cumbersome. Well, this "dilemma" will work itself out soon enough. Now that we have the custody thing figured out, which was our biggest area of contention, we are moving forward with the divorce process. I really, really hope to get it done before the year ends. I know it's only August, but months go by quick, and divorces can drag on.

* * * * * * * * * 

I like some of the more recent changes I made to the blog. I won't be including pictures, videos, and links very often. More of a time waster than anything. I also took down all Adsense nonsense. Almost a month of ads on my blog, and I've only earned a penny. Not to mention the annoyance factor. I also deleted the large pics that linked to my Twitter and Facebook accounts. My blog looks more sleek now. I plan to instead use simple text links instead...as soon as I get around to making them. Maybe I'll do it when I'm done with this post.

* * * * * * * * * 

Been doing a lot with the story I've been working on. I need to really expand on it to add a "so what" factor. When I started, I was an English and Psychology undergrad, and reading it over now...it's a little, well, boring, despite some of the content I do like. I was trying to be too "literary". So the overhaul will take a lot of thought on the world I built, the characters, and where I would like the overall story to go. I'lll get there. 

For now though, I will have to devote more time to some more vitas and resumes. I haven't heard back from the last two I sent out, and a couple more positions opened up that I like. Plus, I am looking into part-time work to bring in a little more income. Single parenthood, especially day care, is a money drain. And asking my wife to pony up her share can be hit or miss. Hoping the court steps in more there once the paperwork gets to the judge. 

The Horror of Getting What You Want

I wrote again today. It wasn't as exciting. The story I'm working on needs a LOT of work. I like a lot of parts about it, but it needs a major overhaul. And I worry it's not interesting, that my description sucks, that the start is not catchy, blah, blah, blah.

The revising and editing process can be murder. Creating and just letting word diarrhea come out as it may is much more fun...and just feels good. But then molding a story into shape, which for me also entails questioning everything I wrote, sucks. And revision or change can have a ripple effect that impacts everything that follows in some way.

So, I would like a revising and editing process that also feels creative-y.

* * * * * * * * * 

I'm picking up my boys tomorrow. And my wife and I are starting the new custody arrangement, which boils down to me having them all week and my wife having them on the weekend. In essence, I have residential custody. Which is what I wanted. And yet, now that I got what I wanted, it's a little fucking scary and intimidating.

Three year old twin boys. By myself.

Fuck.

So, again, I am confronted with the problem of fitting in writing: maintaining this blog on a daily basis and also writing more fiction, which is the real purpose of this blog.

I have come to enjoy writing the blog. But the solution to my dilemma is spending a lot less time on the blog. I have so far been more devoted to the blog than I have been to my stories.

Maybe I need to make a precise schedule.

In any case, get ready for some really short post. I mean shorter than any I've written yet. I will be able to churn out longer ones on the weekends...most of the time (I'm predicting plenty of weekends where my wife will flake out on taking care of the boys and continue leaving them with me while she goes to do...whatever the fuck she's doing...or whoever).

* * * * * * * * * 

I'm going to finish this post with another experiment today: I always include a picture with my blog, I usually include a YouTube clip, and I tend to include a lot of links. But to what purpose? It is not that important. I'm not sure it's adding much in the way of content...just wasting time I could be spending on my stories.

Not that I will never include a picture and vids, but I will not always have time to do so. And I want to practice not doing it, as well as give my self permission not to.

So I'm just going to end it here...

Abre Los Ojos: Writing a New Narrative

I found a grey hair on my head today. The first one. Kinda long too. On my left side-burn. They have been slowly populating my beard—when I have one—for a years now. But somehow, this one on my left side-burn felt really...significant. I remember thinking something like, "Well, that's it then." Not exactly sure what the "it" is. Something like the beginning of the end of my youth, even though I haven't been what people consider "young" in a long time.

But before the I found that hair, I could still feel my youth behind me and reach back and sort of fondle it. Now it's just outside of my reach. I can't feel it anymore. My youth  was a lifetime ago. Something that happening to some kid who might as well have been somebody else. We just happen to share a name, relatives, and some memories. Our interpretation of those memories, however, are very different.

Further evidence of the death of my youth:

I'm approaching 40, I have two children, I'm on the brink of getting divorced, I have a decent paying career that I am deeply dissatisfied with, etc. My generation's parents are now senior citizens. Elderly. My boys aren't babies anymore, yet they are still so little and fragile. But they also are getting big fast. Yesterday (figuratively), my wife and I were young kids flirting around at the college both attended. It was so god damn fun.

So what the fuck happened? Where did those kids go? Where have I gone? Who am I now?

And perhaps most telling, I identify, very deeply, with Louis C.K. The man is fucking brilliant.

It's not that I worship the young. I hate the worship of youth in this country. I hated it when I was a part of that marketing demographic.

But the discovery of a grey hair is like this creeping death.

So clearly I'm going through a significant life transition with the divorce and everything. And life transitions always entail an identity crisis of some kind. Not the more well known identity crisis associated with adolescence. And not the cliched "mid-life crisis." This is the less popular and less "exciting" identity crisis of post-adolescence, pre-middle-age.

So there it is: a fucking  identity crisis. Death of an old self and the rebirth of a new. Just like Campbell said.

I can't see beyond the now though. I have to relearn how to open my eyes.

Blogging My Way Back to Fiction

I revisited an old story I wrote. An old, old story. Originally started in 2002. It's been worked-shopped to death. I have rewritten and revised it a lot. A lot, a lot. I even submitted it to a few short story magazines. In one rejection letter, the magazine editor told me my story was "murky." I'll never forget that critique of my work.

Murky.

But in reading it again, I liked it. There is some good stuff in there! It needs reworking, but I have a million ideas for new directions I can take the story. The main character has been with me for a while and often somehow finds his way into my other stories.

More important, I started working on it again. This morning I was writing fucking fiction again. And I really enjoyed the work. It sucked to have to stop to go to my paying job, which I do not enjoy. Which I do not feel particularly passionate about. I wish I did.

But nothing does it for me like writing.

This is why I started this blog. To get me writing again. To get back to the self that somehow got lost in trying to be a good husband and father and...whatever else I was trying to be. I'm not blaming my wife. I allowed it to happen. I'm responsible.

I can't get those years back. But I can make changes and get back to what I love. And it does not have to be a separate part of my life. I can be a good father AND a writer.

I wrote fiction for only a half hour this morning, and it was amazing.

I want more.

Going to bed early tonight. Have felt tired for several days. I have to give myself permission to relax and let it go. For one night. It will all still be there tomorrow.

More important, I want to be rested, so I have time to get back to my story tomorrow morning.

The best key to writing is to write...

Texting Your Ex Counts as Writing, Right?: Letting the Days Go By

The person I text the most on any given day is my soon-to-be ex-wife. So odd. I'm sure she can't say the same for me. She needs to go to text-aholics anonymous.

We generally get along better via text. But we also have text arguments sometimes. That's right. Text. Fucking. Arguments.

It's pretty pathetic. For both of us, really. But don't fret, we are not on the verge of getting back together or anything. She and her girlfriend—yes, I said girlfriend (can I be any more like Ross Geller?)—are getting pretty hot and heavy it seems.

So most of my writing today has been...texts to my ex.

I totally HAVE told my self, "this is not my beautiful wife."

All is Transitory...Even Writing

My mom and her husband took me out for dinner tonight.

The visited with me and the boys this week.

The are heading to California soon. No idea when I will see my mom again. Makes me sad.

But I hope they have a great time on their well-deserved travels.

People you care deeply about come in and out of your life.

A lot.

Everything is temporary.

But that steak was damn good, and it was a beautiful night outside.

Kept my mind off my boys.

Although I did feel depressed after they dropped me off. So quiet in this house without my little men working hard to drive me crazy.

Another day of work tomorrow. The students come back to campus soon. I don't feel close to being ready.

But I wrote again today. At least that is something.

A little bit of Pearl Jam seems in order.

State of the Blog: Week Three: Don't It Feel Good??

I think I finally got rid of all those godforsaken linkbuck links. I experimented with them, but ultimately, the redirected links came to really bug the shit out of me. Plus, so no not worth the supposed earnings: a whopping almost-20 cents so far! 

I think my budget can handle that shortfall. 

I also like the smaller, regular sized type I've been using lately, instead of the larger fonts I originally started with. 

Finally, I configured my blog posts to automatically link to my Google+, Facebook, and Twitter sites. There is value to doing each manually, since each has a unique discourse convention. But I just don't have the the time (and, honestly, I don't care enough...for now). 

My readership and pages views seems to have decreased pretty drastically. But I decided I don't care much. 

I dropped my boys off with their mother today, as I usually do on the weekend. But I am not as down about it today. This looks to be the last time I will do so for an entire week! My wife and I agreed on a what I believe to be a MUCH better custody arrangement, so now I will spend at least four days with them every week. Very excited about this, as I mentioned yesterday. But it will affect my writing output.

My posts when I have them will most likely be super short. 

As I also mentioned before, I am hoping these blogs become increasingly shorter, as I devote more time to creative writing...and my incomplete master's thesis (blech). 

For now, I'm just content to be writing everyday again. Starting to feel like I am becoming myself again. Kind of a weird statement, if you think about it. But it feels true enough. 

Somehow, Jack Black dancing to Walking on Sunshine popped into my head. 

Ch, Ch, Changes: Writing Schedule and Life Transitions

I am anticipating I won't have time to get in much writing today, so this will be another short, short post. My mom and step-dad are in town, and the boys are crazy-excited to go spend the day with them.

I am, however, continuing to write and post on a daily basis, and I feel good about that.

Big news on the horizon: my wife and I seem to have agreed on a custody arrangement for our boys. It's what I was hoping for, and, more important, what I believe to be best for our sons. It allows them more consistent and regular access to both of us. And regardless of my issues with my wife—and hers with me—we are both very committed to doing what is best for our boys.

And that makes me happy. (See, I'm happy at times...hopefully increasingly so.)

We may start this new arrangement as soon the week after this upcoming week. I can't express how excited I am about this development.

It will change a lot in my daily life, so my time to devote to writing and my daily blog posts will also have to change. Develop is the better word.

Nothing is, of course, set in stone at this point, but it seems likely this is happening. I may post more details when things are more final. Then again, I'm not sure how much of my personal life I want to share with the interwebs.

With all these changes on the horizon, I find it impossible not to think of David Bowie:

"Time may change me/ But I can't trace time"

How Am I Not Myself?

Lots of changes and transitions on the horizon. Positive ones too. Been a while since I've had one of those.

Busy day, though, but I wanted to make sure I wrote and posted something related to writing. 

What I have been thinking about today is how change can lead to self renewal. A mental restart. Rebirth. Resurrection. Or some other similar metaphor of your choice. 

I hope to follow up more on this...

Writing and the Cessation of Suffering

Been reading about happiness and what makes people happy. Habits of happy people. Positive psychology stuff.

Etc.

I hardly think you need to be Freud to deduce I read a lot about happiness because I am not in a happy place. I'm not unhappy or depressed. I would say, at times, I cope with normal, situational sadness leading to a sometimes depressed mood. Life transitions are stressful. I think I read somewhere that divorce is the most stressful life transition. Knowing that, by the way, did not help to reduce my own stress.

There are things in my life that bring me happiness. My boys chief among them (except for when they are driving me crazy...newsflash, twin toddler sons are hard fucking work). Audiobooks (big audible.com fan), coffee, good movies, and writing also come to mind.

What I wrote yesterday about cultivating life balance and time to write holds true for happiness as well. I like to think of it more as—to borrow from Buddhism—the cessation of sorrow (a.k.a. dukkha...not to be confused with Count Dooku).

I do believe writing can help alleviate negative emotions, even traumatic experiences. I don't have time to post sources, but writing and stress used to be a research area of mine. So I actually know writing can have therapeutic value.

On the other hand, in striving to implement a daily writing habit and turn that it into a lifestyle—and hopefully a career—not being happy can be a hindrance to that endeavor.

I came across that  Jack Kerouak quote (via Advice to Writers) from his popular list of Writing Essentials that re-reminded me of this:

"Be in love with yr life/ Be a crazy dumbsaint of the mind...Write what you want bottomless from the bottom of the mind/ Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition"

Cultivating happiness and being in love with my life, regardless of my life circumstance, will help me to persevere with my daily wiring habit, writing goals, and aspirations.

I also want to recognize that a depressed mood is not a bad thing in itself. It is a normal human emotion. It can fuel good and more honest fiction. I am not going to be an always happy moron (like that annoying, overly upbeat girl from office space).

Rather, by recognizing my emotions, good or bad, I can move past them and use them to develop a more consistently positive attitude.

I think.