Progress, Closure, and Fucking Love

Second day of an all new, all exciting new month...yadda, yadda.

It's early in the morning, my boys are asleep, and I'm drinking coffee and sneaking in some writing. 

My house is clean, kinda. At least in appearance. Even that can be a challenge to maintain. But I am getting better at it, and I feel better when things are more organized. 

More things are increasingly falling into place for me. It's a gradual accumulation that I have to keep working at and planning for. But it is happening. It is only now, after several of the little goals I have been working toward are complete that I have even noticed a difference. Small things here and there can feel less rewarding and have a minimal effect on my life. Even as they accumulate, you don't really notice. So reflection time, like now, when I can compare the past and present more thoroughly, really allows me to see, feel, and appreciate all the little accomplishments I have been working toward. 

And that is only the start!

I feel I am finally coming to a place of equilibrium in regards to my increasingly not so new life as a single, almost divorced parent of twin boys. In some ways, my wife has helped me to move on. 

I've written about how in the past a small part of me has hoped for reconciliation. I even wrote her what I considered to be very heart felt and honest letters in hopes of at inspiring at least some kind of pause or second thoughts. If she did acknowledge the letters, she would focus only on the smallest detail that somehow upset her. The larger message lost. 

So I stopped that. 

Her general cruelty and just mean, juvenile behavior has helped me to gain some closure. If that was her master plan all along, well done bitch. But I'm going to go with she is just a mean, juvenile, bitchy person, and I ignored her explosions, or rather tried to help her through them, for the sake of our marriage and eventually our boys. And also because she was my bitchy person, if that makes sense. 

Fucking love. 

Our divorce should be final soon, so I will officially be single again...soon. And I think I am somewhat on the verge of being ready to plunge into new relationships. No idea where or how to start, but I am thinking about it at least. It's a start. 

There is this one girl... 

I would dare say there has been some mutual flirting going on, but I can be remarkably dense about such things. So how do I move that to a possible next step? It was some much easier ten years ago, before the dark time, before my wife.

Relationships just happened. But now...I have to do things.