Moving On: Goodbye and Thanks for all the Fish...Bitch

A little—just a little—time to write and drink coffee before I have to put my dad face back on. The boys have been with their mother for most of the week. She had a long work break, and she has not really seen them much these past few months due to snow and poor traveling conditions. Which also means I have been pretty much doing the parenting thing solo—more than usual that is—for months. That can be hard to sustain.

It is really good for the boys to spend some more time with their mother. I really want that for them, and I know they miss her at times. And it breaks my heart that that is something they have to deal with. And Buddha knows I needed the break. As well as time to get caught up on work...and caught up on rest. 

Looking back, February was a pretty hard month: at work, with my boys, and also personally. Ironing out the final divorce details was pretty stressful. Add in tax season, which, since we are not yet divorced, added more strife and stress.

I know I'm not perfect, but her jumping to instant irritated-yell mode and calling me names when we disagree just makes things harder. For us both. Newsflash: we will disagree. 

But that is behind us. The divorce paperwork is done and being filed. Taxes have been filed. I already got my refund back. I mostly used it to pay down debt and save. I have paid down a considerable amount of debt since we've been separated (officially for like a year now). Despite all the added expenses of single-parenting and getting divorced, paying down debt has been a priority. That I have been doing so well—and that I my wife's debt has continued to increase—really shines a light her very very bad spending habits. And, to be fair, how I allowed and even contributed to the problem when we were together. I wanted to make her happy though. But it didn't. It in fact made things worse for us in the long run. I am responsible and to blame as well. I know this and know how easy is it to vilify her (despite how good it can feel to do so). But the more I think back in things, I am astonished by how much of my self I compromised...with little to no reciprocation.

And now that we are not together, my analysis is that she attempts some of same manipulation patterns she used on me when we were together that I, as a dutiful husband, submitted to. I am not sure how intentional this is for her. So when these old communication habits no longer have an effect on me, she becomes extremely frustrated and degrades to flat out name calling. Really? Are we in fifth grade? And why would you think that would sway me in any way?

Moving on.

I also bought some badly needed clothes. I barely shop for myself, but new clothes had become a necessity. 

Time to start dressing nicer in general and getting back in the social and dating game. I have just been so...I don't know, drained and defeated. For a long time when I did not have my boys with me (which was pretty much all the time) or did not have to work, I just mostly wanted to crawl into my own little hole and just...not deal with the world. Netflix had been great in fostering that. 

In ways I felt lost. But also just so tired, both mentally and physically. I have not necessarily been taking good care of myself. Time to start getting back to working out. Although I have continued to maintain a decent diet, so I am still pretty slim. But I could tone up pretty easily and drop a few pounds. But the health and energy benefits are the most important reason. I'm not getting any younger. I even bought new workout shoes to signify this new workout commitment. And a new Bears hat. I haven't bought a new cap in years. I'm not even sure how many.

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The cover letter quest continues. Hoping to get an interview invite from one position I really, really, really want. It would be so amazing for me and my boys. But it is getting to the point that if I don't hear back soon, it's probably not gonna happen.

But this is a time when there happens to be a lot of job openings in my field. There is another in particular I really like that I'll be working on, along with the others. The most recent I sent was yesterday.

The biggest problem is time to apply to them all. I have missed a couple opportunities due to time constraints And I simply can't sacrifice sleep anymore. It makes me miserable, irritable or short with me boys (which is not fair to them), and the health consequences are pretty severe.  

At the same time, things are going well at my job, and I am feeling good about it. But it is good to have options. But really, I want a job I can really sink my self into. That I can call my career home and not have to keep thinking about and applying to others jobs. My current job is not that. But...it could be. I'm open to that.

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When I see my wife to exchange the boys today, it will be the last time we are together as a legally married man and wife. Maybe I'm a sentimental fool, but that saddens me. And it is a big deal...for me...and for this family. I want to say and/or do something to signify this important life event. I would like some kind of meaningful last goodbye. I want to tell her goodbye and even thank her in some way. She did once upon a time bring lots of happiness and companionship into my life. We were in love. I don't know if I will ever be in love like that again. That love resulted it two beautiful boys. And they are so very beautiful. I love them so. And they bring me such amazing joy, happiness, and contentment...when they aren't driving me crazy.

I would like us to acknowledge us one last time. Even just a simple hug. I never even got a last hug...or kiss. It was just wham, I want a divorce. Totally blind-sided by it—which I've discovered is a quite common thing for men.

The stereotype of divorce is that it is male-initiated due to the husband cheating or something along those lines. That's what is popularized in the media: news, TV, movies, etc.

The reality is the majority of women are unsatisfied in some way and the men think all is fine. 

So, to my wife and partner of ten years, if we don't get our moment today, I just want you to know how special being married to you had been for me...sans our situation for the past year and some odd months, which still leaves a lot of special time together that I will always on some level cherish and miss, even if you will not. 

Thank you for loving me so much once upon a time. That really felt nice, and I hope you felt loved in return. 

A part of me will always mourn the loss of our family and of who I thought we were. I really thought we were beautiful together. Once upon a time. I wish I would have better understood the extent of your discontent and unhappiness. 

Goodbye. 

And thanks for all the fish. 

And, finally, back off bitch. 

Did I just ruin the moment?