Love Versus Hysterical Delight

I may start writing daily blog posts again. Even if they are pretty short. I'll get to the longer ones on the weekend.

The boys loved their room. Hysterical delight may be the better descriptor. I did a bang up job making it comfortable, cozy, cool, welcoming, and fun. Yeah me.

The rest of the house is still kinda all over the place. But such is the price. I'll knock that out gradually during the week, and then get some heavy duty cleaning and reorganizing done next weekend.

My ex and I seem to be getting along better. That's good. I'm sure there are rough patches and ex-lover spats to come. But I think--hope--the worst is behind us.

Stuff: The Folly of Being Overly Ambitious and the Benefits of Ransacking Your Home

House overhaul project well underway.

I had to basically ransack the place. I have a LOT of crap. This project dovetails into my organizational and productivity projects (ongoing).

Others things I wanted to do this weekend suffered, unfortunately. But I can get some things done at work too (kinda the point of having a J O B). My goal is to keep my work work at work as much as possible.

The overhaul is also an effort to make my home more efficient on multiple levels.

One of the problems is that after the separation I moved from a much larger to a smaller townhouse. The townhouse actually has a lot of excellent storage space. But I kinda of crammed all my stuff from my old place into those spaces and forgot about it, as I dealt with adjusting to new tasks of juggling work and single-parenting.

That I have not used most of this stuff for so long is a testament to the superfluousness of the vast majority of my forgotten crap. But I also found a good deal of useful stuff I have forgotten about. This is an organization issue. Then of course there is the in-between stuff. But I can sort that all out later.

This is just the beginning.

I am hoping to sell most all of the crap to bring in some extra cash. But I have also been attracted to the idea of a minimalist life...and home. Selling it all will take time and get in the way of my minimalist agenda. But I just can't bring my self to simply get rid of it all in one big, sweeping altruistic gesture. Raising twins is expensive, and any extra income helps. Plus this IS the spring cleaning season, and I see a yard sale in the not to distant future. And eBay...craigslist...yadda yadda,

But also...I'm kinda looking forward to this overhaul project. Very much in-line with a sort of post-divoce metaphorical rebirth.

Breaking the projects down into achievable chucks is key. That can actually be a challenge for me. When I start something, I tend to keep going and going and making the job bigger and bigger and more complex and convoluted. Sort of what happened this weekend. The drive to get it all done is good. But that approach is unfocused and can be counter-productive. And worse--it can lead to procrastination. If something feels too huge, it can feel intimidating--and thus, Netflix becomes all too alluring.

I like being productive. I woke up early today to get started. More in line with the time I wake up during the work week.

I don't feel any less alert. In fact, there is plenty of research pointing out how sleeping in on the weekends makes you more tired. A regularly, consistent sleep cycle is ideal.

The countdown to showing my boys their newly updated big boy room has begun. I feel a bit of the time pressure creeping, but I am looking forward to seeing their excited little faces.

Getting them to calm down to go to bed may be a bit...challenging.

My Tablet and Me: A Productivity Love Story

Coffee. Check.

Chromebook I geeked out about last weekend. Still awesome and ever-increasing in general awesomeness...exponentially.

New Google Nexus tablet? Composed the first part of today's blog post with it.

I appear to be making the gadget rounds lately. And I kinda sound like I'm being paid to advertise Google products--which I would absolutely accept money to do.

I have no words for the beauty of using my new tablet. They should have sent a poet.

Admittedly not ideal for blog writing--or writing of any kind. But it's an excellent alternative, should the need arise. And I found some fantastic productivity tools.

Especially helpfully are the write-to-text and speech-to-text applications:

This short paragraph is via the write-to-text feature. I actually wrote on the tablet with a stylus and the app converted my handwritten words to typed text...in real time. Amazing.

For this paragraph, I talked to my tablet. Not conversationally or anything, and the tablet didn't talk back or engage in a conversation or anything like that. Yet. What the Google Voice typing feature did do is convert my spoken words to typed text, again in real time. So science fiction-y.

From this point on, I reverted back to my Chromebook--because typing with a real keyboard is better. But those two features will save my tons of time at work. Instead of wasting paper and transcribing hand-written notes, which I do a lot of, I can just write on my tablet, and 90% of that part of my job will be done for me. I will just have to do some minimal revising and editing.

This weekend, I'm going to using the talk-to-text feature to catch up on prior notes I. Going forward, I'm anticipating I won't even fall behind. There may be a bit of a learning curve, but the extra time will be worth it. Note-taking and re-typing is a huge time suck. By virtually eliminating that time suck, I'll be less stressed and a million times more productive. 

Props to Google Drive and the syncing capabilities of Google products in general. Apple is so over-rated. Not to mention overpriced. 

Project productivity continues....

*********

I have tons of other stuff I need to do this weekend. Trying to convince myself I'm not overwhelmed. That's easy to do when I'm drinking coffee and writing. 

Several new jobs to apply to. Time sensitive! But  they are pretty similar to each other and prior jobs I've already applied to (and have gotten interviews for) in the past, so I won't have to spend too much time revising vitas and cover letters. 

As usual, I have to get the house in order and gear up for another week of toddler destruction. I'm also implementing some major overhauls. My boys are in a new place developmentally, so I need to make some changes to reflect this new reality. I'm actually excited about it. And especially excited for how excited they will be when they see it. 

The Coffee Addict's Guide to Overcoming Coffee Crises

No.

NO!

NOOOOOO!!!!

I forgot that I ran out of coffee yesterday, and I never went to the store as I had planned. The coffee situation, which I am usually very much on top of, didn't even cross my mind until after I poured the water into my coffee maker, put the filter in, and opened my grounds container.

My world collapsed. My mind raced for solutions. Could I somehow work with my remaining grounds? No. Did I perhaps have an back up stash somewhere, as I sometimes do for situations just like this. I searched my cupboards, pretty certain I did not. But I looked anyway. My suspicions were confirmed.

I very much did not want to resort to the instant coffee that someone--I forget who--bought for me as a gift. Blech. Instant coffee is just...wrong. Immoral even. It was a thoughtful gift. The person who bought it must've known of my undying love for coffee. I pretty much always have a cup or mug in hand or nearby. But this person was clearly not a coffee drinker. There is no greater coffee sin than instant coffee.

The store. I could run to the store. But that would mean I would have to get dressed and...shutter...leave the house. The conundrum there is I am unable to do so without first having coffee. I mean, yes, it's possible. I am certain I have done so at some time in the past. But I can't remember when. Even when my then pregnant wife's water broke, in the midst of the rush to get to the hospital, I brewed a quick pot and had my coffee with me for the ride.....

....I feel like I am being judged for that last statement. Everything went fine. There were no birth complications. We got there in plenty of time. I was actually ready well before my wife was. Yes, we are now divorced, but I don't think it was because of the coffee. At least I don't think it was. Stop judging me. Cast your own stones!

Ahem.

So the ultimate choice came down to the store for more coffee or...instant coffee. I kinda chose both. The instant coffee was right there, so I decided to give it a shot. And if that didn't work out, I could run to the store.

I was starting to feel more calm. Starting. I told myself I could do this. Everything will be fine. Sadly, I'm not exaggerating.

I heated the water, scooped in the fake, blasphemous coffee into my mug. I doctored it up some. And...it's actually pretty decent. I can work with this. Gonna make a second cup pretty soon. It at least mimics the experience for my morning ritual purposes.

Because I was really looking forward to enjoying my Sunday morning with a cup of coffee and some writing. I will leave soon-ish to pick up my boys, and I can't wait to see them. But I get so very little time to my self these days. The Life Line has become my lifeline again.

So here I am. Writing and drinking my fake coffee. On my Chromebook. All is right with the world again. The laws of physics did not change. The Apocalypse has been averted yet again. The good guys have triumphed.

*********

Second day writing with my new--used--Chromebook.

It is so choice.

I wasted a good deal of time tinkering with it yesterday. My to-do list suffered greatly for it. But I am getting pretty good with it and accustomed to it. And it's just...kinda...beautiful. So much better than being married. It's like I am totally fine with all the grief that went along with the divorce process because now...I have a Chromebook.

And my new--used--Nexus tablet is in the mail. And I have my sights set on the Moto X. That or the cheaper Moto G. Gadgets are good. Divorce therapy even.

*********

I redid the color scheme for my blog, in case the five or so of you who actually bother visit my blog haven't noticed.

The blue blue combined with the white background was starting to bother me. Way too bright. And I wanted something more thematically consistent with my coffee mug profile picture.

So I went with different shades of black. I feel pretty satisfied with it. The links don't show up well, so I will have to tinker with link colors. More time wasting fun!

Two New Things This Weekend: Chromebook and Finalized Divorce

My first blog post from my new Chromebook--my first writing from the machine of any kind, actually. I kinda love the Chromebook so far. I was discouraged for a little bit due to syncing issues--Google syncing is one of the biggest sells for me. But I'm a pretty big Google-phile in general. My Nexus tablet should be arriving any day. Also, anything that will facilitate the ease of the writing process = good.

Productivity is my new primary motivation...and kind of my main thing right now. Something I have been building up to for a while.

But I have been putting the vast majority of my time and mental energies into divorce-related issues for...longer than I care to think about. My beard--when I have one--has responded by dramatically increasing its grey hairs output.

But the divorce is now...done and done.

Yes. I am O-fficially divorced.

It's so new I'm not really sure what my thoughts and feelings are about it yet. I do feel somewhat more of a sense of self-ownership and control. The past year has really just been a crazy time of turmoil, stress, transition, and fights with my ex. While I do think she is ridiculous and self-centered, it was a pretty mild divorce. There were were plenty of rough edges, but as far as divorce conflicts go---especially when children are involved--I would say ours is on the less-chaotic end of the divorce chaos spectrum.

I went out with some work buddies last night to celebrate. They are actually my only friends I have in this town, which is pretty depressing. It was also one of my few social outings since taking on the single-parenting gig in a new town by myself in June. Also pretty depressing. But at the same time, I take a certain amount of pride in that. My focus since my ex and I separated has been my boys. And, of course my job. Balancing the two entailed a large learning curve. I barely had time for anything else. Money has been tight. But things are continuing to stabilize--which has taken a lot of intentional effort, re-evaluation, and persistence...among other things.

The finalization of the divorce is an official end to a process and goal I have been working toward for a long time. And it signals a new start and a sort of new mandate to get back out there. Become a social presence in the world outside of my work sphere. And dare I say it...get back into the dating game. I feel ready now. I would classify myself as a pretty damn eligible and marketable bachelor. Even though my ex jumped into the dating/new relationship game before she even informed me she wanted a divorce, I found it hard to see someone else. I sometimes wanted to out of, I don't know...spite? Revenge? Guilt? Loneliness? One-upmanship? All the wrong reasons. And, as I have said in the past, my main relationship during the transition was with my boys. They needed me to focus on them. The transition was and still is hard on them. I don't think my ex will ever truly understand that. She did not come from a broken home like I did. She can be oh so conveniently short-sighted. They are why I work really hard to make sure they get plenty of time with their mother...and also why I worked to make sure I retained residential custody.

I finally feel like my psyche is catching up with this new reality. It is my new norm. Being married is becoming a thing of the past that happened to a person who is no longer the same person I am now.

On the agenda today: getting my house back in order, more vitas, and catching up on some work...and tinkering with my new Chromebook.

I'm still getting use to working on it. I hope it's the start of a great new relationship (just as an old relationship has officially and legally ended).

I bought it used for really cheap, and it's only a year old. It was marked down because a newer version is coming out soon (see also ripoff). This is a bargain on so many levels. With cloud computing and the ability to access Google drive even when I don't have an internet connection (which is almost never), the thought of paying normal laptop prices is nothing less than a huge waste of money. There is virtually nothing I can't do on a "normal" computer that I can do on Chromebook. Plus, I have plenty of access to non-Chromebook computers when/if I need it.

Moving On: Goodbye and Thanks for all the Fish...Bitch

A little—just a little—time to write and drink coffee before I have to put my dad face back on. The boys have been with their mother for most of the week. She had a long work break, and she has not really seen them much these past few months due to snow and poor traveling conditions. Which also means I have been pretty much doing the parenting thing solo—more than usual that is—for months. That can be hard to sustain.

It is really good for the boys to spend some more time with their mother. I really want that for them, and I know they miss her at times. And it breaks my heart that that is something they have to deal with. And Buddha knows I needed the break. As well as time to get caught up on work...and caught up on rest. 

Looking back, February was a pretty hard month: at work, with my boys, and also personally. Ironing out the final divorce details was pretty stressful. Add in tax season, which, since we are not yet divorced, added more strife and stress.

I know I'm not perfect, but her jumping to instant irritated-yell mode and calling me names when we disagree just makes things harder. For us both. Newsflash: we will disagree. 

But that is behind us. The divorce paperwork is done and being filed. Taxes have been filed. I already got my refund back. I mostly used it to pay down debt and save. I have paid down a considerable amount of debt since we've been separated (officially for like a year now). Despite all the added expenses of single-parenting and getting divorced, paying down debt has been a priority. That I have been doing so well—and that I my wife's debt has continued to increase—really shines a light her very very bad spending habits. And, to be fair, how I allowed and even contributed to the problem when we were together. I wanted to make her happy though. But it didn't. It in fact made things worse for us in the long run. I am responsible and to blame as well. I know this and know how easy is it to vilify her (despite how good it can feel to do so). But the more I think back in things, I am astonished by how much of my self I compromised...with little to no reciprocation.

And now that we are not together, my analysis is that she attempts some of same manipulation patterns she used on me when we were together that I, as a dutiful husband, submitted to. I am not sure how intentional this is for her. So when these old communication habits no longer have an effect on me, she becomes extremely frustrated and degrades to flat out name calling. Really? Are we in fifth grade? And why would you think that would sway me in any way?

Moving on.

I also bought some badly needed clothes. I barely shop for myself, but new clothes had become a necessity. 

Time to start dressing nicer in general and getting back in the social and dating game. I have just been so...I don't know, drained and defeated. For a long time when I did not have my boys with me (which was pretty much all the time) or did not have to work, I just mostly wanted to crawl into my own little hole and just...not deal with the world. Netflix had been great in fostering that. 

In ways I felt lost. But also just so tired, both mentally and physically. I have not necessarily been taking good care of myself. Time to start getting back to working out. Although I have continued to maintain a decent diet, so I am still pretty slim. But I could tone up pretty easily and drop a few pounds. But the health and energy benefits are the most important reason. I'm not getting any younger. I even bought new workout shoes to signify this new workout commitment. And a new Bears hat. I haven't bought a new cap in years. I'm not even sure how many.

*********

The cover letter quest continues. Hoping to get an interview invite from one position I really, really, really want. It would be so amazing for me and my boys. But it is getting to the point that if I don't hear back soon, it's probably not gonna happen.

But this is a time when there happens to be a lot of job openings in my field. There is another in particular I really like that I'll be working on, along with the others. The most recent I sent was yesterday.

The biggest problem is time to apply to them all. I have missed a couple opportunities due to time constraints And I simply can't sacrifice sleep anymore. It makes me miserable, irritable or short with me boys (which is not fair to them), and the health consequences are pretty severe.  

At the same time, things are going well at my job, and I am feeling good about it. But it is good to have options. But really, I want a job I can really sink my self into. That I can call my career home and not have to keep thinking about and applying to others jobs. My current job is not that. But...it could be. I'm open to that.

*********

When I see my wife to exchange the boys today, it will be the last time we are together as a legally married man and wife. Maybe I'm a sentimental fool, but that saddens me. And it is a big deal...for me...and for this family. I want to say and/or do something to signify this important life event. I would like some kind of meaningful last goodbye. I want to tell her goodbye and even thank her in some way. She did once upon a time bring lots of happiness and companionship into my life. We were in love. I don't know if I will ever be in love like that again. That love resulted it two beautiful boys. And they are so very beautiful. I love them so. And they bring me such amazing joy, happiness, and contentment...when they aren't driving me crazy.

I would like us to acknowledge us one last time. Even just a simple hug. I never even got a last hug...or kiss. It was just wham, I want a divorce. Totally blind-sided by it—which I've discovered is a quite common thing for men.

The stereotype of divorce is that it is male-initiated due to the husband cheating or something along those lines. That's what is popularized in the media: news, TV, movies, etc.

The reality is the majority of women are unsatisfied in some way and the men think all is fine. 

So, to my wife and partner of ten years, if we don't get our moment today, I just want you to know how special being married to you had been for me...sans our situation for the past year and some odd months, which still leaves a lot of special time together that I will always on some level cherish and miss, even if you will not. 

Thank you for loving me so much once upon a time. That really felt nice, and I hope you felt loved in return. 

A part of me will always mourn the loss of our family and of who I thought we were. I really thought we were beautiful together. Once upon a time. I wish I would have better understood the extent of your discontent and unhappiness. 

Goodbye. 

And thanks for all the fish. 

And, finally, back off bitch. 

Did I just ruin the moment?

Progress, Closure, and Fucking Love

Second day of an all new, all exciting new month...yadda, yadda.

It's early in the morning, my boys are asleep, and I'm drinking coffee and sneaking in some writing. 

My house is clean, kinda. At least in appearance. Even that can be a challenge to maintain. But I am getting better at it, and I feel better when things are more organized. 

More things are increasingly falling into place for me. It's a gradual accumulation that I have to keep working at and planning for. But it is happening. It is only now, after several of the little goals I have been working toward are complete that I have even noticed a difference. Small things here and there can feel less rewarding and have a minimal effect on my life. Even as they accumulate, you don't really notice. So reflection time, like now, when I can compare the past and present more thoroughly, really allows me to see, feel, and appreciate all the little accomplishments I have been working toward. 

And that is only the start!

I feel I am finally coming to a place of equilibrium in regards to my increasingly not so new life as a single, almost divorced parent of twin boys. In some ways, my wife has helped me to move on. 

I've written about how in the past a small part of me has hoped for reconciliation. I even wrote her what I considered to be very heart felt and honest letters in hopes of at inspiring at least some kind of pause or second thoughts. If she did acknowledge the letters, she would focus only on the smallest detail that somehow upset her. The larger message lost. 

So I stopped that. 

Her general cruelty and just mean, juvenile behavior has helped me to gain some closure. If that was her master plan all along, well done bitch. But I'm going to go with she is just a mean, juvenile, bitchy person, and I ignored her explosions, or rather tried to help her through them, for the sake of our marriage and eventually our boys. And also because she was my bitchy person, if that makes sense. 

Fucking love. 

Our divorce should be final soon, so I will officially be single again...soon. And I think I am somewhat on the verge of being ready to plunge into new relationships. No idea where or how to start, but I am thinking about it at least. It's a start. 

There is this one girl... 

I would dare say there has been some mutual flirting going on, but I can be remarkably dense about such things. So how do I move that to a possible next step? It was some much easier ten years ago, before the dark time, before my wife.

Relationships just happened. But now...I have to do things. 

I'm a Monster...and Return of the Cover Letter Quest

Happy March.

A new month. A new start...yadda yadda.

Newsflash...my almost ex-wife hates me and thinks I'm a quote, unquote monster.

How so very...Freudian projection-y.

She generally gets upset with me when I don't see things her way and don't do what she wants. Doing things her way is what she considers compromise. She's like a Republican in that regard.

Therefore there is nothing I can do or say except to submit that will serve to make her see me as anything less than a quote, unquote monster.

But here's the thing I don't think she has fully grasped, despite that she initiated this divorce: I don't do things for her any more.

Everything I do is for our children, which I have residential custody of and therefore basically do all the work and parenting.

Issues she does not like are generally about her, and she can get mad, yell, scream, call me names all day (many much worse than monster, I might add), if it makes her feel better. I'm still not going to submit to make her feel better...or whatever she thinks will happen after she calls me names.

I don't do things for her anymore. I am not accountable to her anymore.

Of course it affects me. It makes me feel...I don't know if bad is the word. I guess I am just not used to someone cursing me out with such passionate distaste and disregard, especially someone who had not so very long ago--and for about a decade--I thought of as quote, unquote the love of my life; quote, unquote, my best friend; and quote, unquote, the person I would grow old with. Basically also those love cliches, which I don't know if I will ever be able to buy into again.

I'm big on quote, unquoting today (without actually using any quotes).

But I can deal with feeling bad. I'm a big boy. I make decisions that are more me-and-my-children-centered. I don't owe her anything else, except cooperation and communication in regards to matters that involve our children.

I did not want this. I still don't, to some extent. It's just a rough situation for my boys, and I hate that they will be in a broken home, will not have as much financial security, and all the other things that come with divorce.

But I have to protect myself to better protect them.

*********

Continued job search. Basically, looking for something closer to my almost ex...for my boys sake. But I am also looking for something better than I have now. 

Cover letters and vitas: round one

Already a rejection email. Not even an interview. Not even worth of snail mail letter. A little alarming. But moving along. 

I have another I recently sent I that I really, really want. I even prayed last night...so I'm a hypocritical non-believer. Except I do believe to some extent. But I want some kind of proof...which I guess is anathema to the concept of faith. But I can't just believe because of some hypothetical, benevolent supernatural being who will torture more for eternity after I die if I don't swear fealty based on passages in a books written 1600 or so odd years ago by multiple authors (and edited pretty badly, I might add) and made the official law of the land by a failing Roman Emperor who wanted to consolidate power over an increasingly over-extended empire. 

I need more than that. 

But I prayed anyway, for whatever good that will do. 

Lots of openings now that I will be applying to. Time is an issue, as it always is when you are raising twin toddlers pretty much on your own.