Proto-Story and Exhaustion

Quick morning blog post.

Just felt an urge to get some writing in.

Been a pretty intense and busy couple of weeks. On the go from one thing to the next non-stop.

I have virtually no time to myself. At least the end of the semester is in sight.

Some changes will be in order during the break. But I'm also sort of afraid of what the break will bring.

The first without my wife since 2004. Fuck.

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I started a new story I am excited about. Fiction. Just sort of developed from things I have been thinking about and books I have been reading recently. (Dr. Sleep and American Psycho, in case you are curious.)

Not really sure where it will go. It is very new. Just wrote the first sort of proto-intro for the story. If I put it off, it will die. This may be perfect timing for NaNoWriMO.

Really tired lately, but still hoping to wake up Friday and write...start my 50K.

I am also really looking forward to the weekend. I need the break from work and from being a single father.

I feel like that sounds shitty. But it really isn't shitty. I need some down time to recoup. For myself and for my boys.

State of the Blog: Week 15

Early. My boys are sleeping.

I wanted to get some work done before they woke up, but that has become more difficult. When they hear me up, they seem determined to make sure I don't work by either staying up with me or having me go back to bed with them. If it's a weekend, I usually opt for the going back to bed option. I want them to well rested for the long week ahead.

Been preparing and spending too much money for Halloween. We spent a long time going to different stores to find the materials I'll need to make their costumes. They are pretty excited about it. That makes me happy and the whole thing worth it. I'll put the costumes together today. Maybe even do a trial run of the face paint. They'll enjoy that.

Been feeling the writing bug biting again. I also noticed how great I felt after I wrote yesterday. How do I always forget that?

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The boys are now down for their afternoon nap. I should be getting some more work done (got to sneak it in where I can), but I am instead finishing this blog post. Not sure what compels me, other than the need to write. 

I have to allow myself that luxury at least. But always so much to do. I can barely keep up. Actually, I am usually several steps behind. 

My wife texted today from an out of state, work-related conference, asking about the boys. I told her of our costume escapades. She said that made her cry because she misses them SOOOO much, and she wishes she could make them with us. I then reminded her of her half of the day care bill she will need to pay when she picks up the boys Friday. No response. No query as to how much. I'm sure will not remember the extra cost this month since the day care was open more billable days. She will act surprised when I tell her. I will offer to show her the bill. She will probably pay $250 (best guess). $300 if I'm lucky, which doesn't even cover the amount she usually pays for day care each month. 

And, thus, it sounds like the little time I had to write and get some work done is coming to an end. I hear one of them getting up now. I think. 

Hopefully I will be able to get more writing in this week. Still have a lingering, albeit fleeting, hope that I will begin my NaNoWriMo novel first thing Friday. 

That would be cool. 

NaNoWriMo and My Realistic Appraisal (Unless You Are an Optimist, That Is)

Starting to feel pretty pessimistic about my ability to participate in NaNoWriMo. It was a good goal, but the reality of my current state of life transition is dictating other plans for me.

Maybe pessimistic is the wrong word. As the saying goes, a pessimist the the word optimists use to describe realists.

NaNoWriMo is just not realistic for me right now. I will re-assess to see if I can make it work. And maybe I do participate but with the intent to not write the full 50k.

Very little time left, and I have very little support from my wife for help with my boys. And they are my first priority.

This is sort of their first Halloween where are aware enough to fully understand and participate. And I really want it to be special for them.

Add in to the mix a re-occurring cold--most likely due to sleep deprivation--and making sure I am caught up with work. I have become backed up again, which isn't unusual or even a bad thing. But I have to get that done and stay on top before I can justify the time commitment of churning out 1600 words per day.

We will see. In an ideal world, we have a great Halloween, and I wake up the next day and start the first day of my NaNoWriMo novel.

But the world has and never will be ideal. If that seems to be a pessimistic statement to you, you are probably a misguided optimist. See also positive illusion.

State of the Blog: Week 14: Crash

Started off the week well.

Writing output petered off as the work wore on.

Dropped off my boys last night. When I got home, I crashed.

Woke up: begin new week.

Work is beckoning again. Not sure how much writing I will be able to get in.

No idea how I will be able to find enough time for NaNoWriMo.

My Life for Them

My boys are in bed snuggled up next to me. We just had a fun time joking around about wacky Halloween costumes before they fell asleep. Silly costumes like Kleenex and a sippy cup.

They are big into playing with word usage. It's pretty interesting, actually.

We went on and on. They found it hilarious. The funnest I've had in a long time. 

I am their personal Trashcan Man: My life for you. (Metaphorically speaking of course.)

Read: People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.

Experimenting With Writing Before the Kids Wake Up: Today is a New Day

A little time to write this morning. A rarity. And my boys can wake up at any time. But it is good to have some time to myself in the morning.

I am falling behind again at work. It's a normal ebb and flow, and I should be able to stay on top of it and get back to temporary stasis soon enough. Maybe even before the end of the work day.

I am no longer waking up early to get work in.

I will be getting up earlier in general, but I will fiercely protect and use that time for writing.

I may am even sneak some "real" writing in this morning...just to keep my feet wet in the current stories I am working on. I already feel I am losing grasp of them.

I also feel I am in a continual struggle to become more efficient. Never found that balance I have always striven for.

But today is a new day, as Chicken Little often professed. Another day to remake yourself and make it the kind of day, the kind of life, you want. I have always found that message...uplifting.

Conditional Positive Regard

Another busy day of work and taking care of my boys...and not getting any writing in.

To add to my stressors, I had to cajole my wife to pony up for her share of the boys' expenses for the month. Hate to sound complainy, but it's such bullshit that I have to do that.

To add further insult to injury, I am starting to reconnect with my sister, but her acceptance is conditional.

We used to be really close when we were younger. I considered her my best friend for a long time.

She was also there for me as my marriage was collapsing. I was an emotional wreck, and she really provided me with a much needed person to talk and vent to...and just serve as a general support resource.

Until the dark times.

She started getting really angry at my wife during our talks. And with good reason. But she would go off on these rage rants. Yelling. Seemingly at me, but not really? She eventually did become increasingly angry with me and would sort of cut me off if I didn't follow her advice and do what she would do. Sometimes really awful, mean spirited things too. I'm just not that person.

So I lost the only person I could talk to during a REALLY hard time in my life.

As I said, we recently started talking again, and I was telling her about my wife's latest antics. It was nice to have someone to joke with about the shittyness of the situation.

Then came the sermon about those damn godless liberals. It's clearly because she is a godless liberal that she sucks. Because all conservative Christians are awesome. That was the basic gist of her message.

I have no idea why she got so upset that I am not even kinda in the same ballpark of being in agreement with her on that point, regardless of how bad my wife sucks. My wife sucks because she's a sucky person. Not because of her new sexual orientation or her political affiliation.

Thanks again, sister, for your conditional support, contingent upon me agreeing with your right-wing worldview.

Thanful to Not Write...and Happy Hitler Day!

I didn't get any writing in today...other than this short blog post. But I had such a fantastic time with my sons, I don't care.

Even though they are with me the majority of the time, I worry we don't get enough quality time to hang out and play.

I'm thankful for this Columbus Day. That the holiday is named after a truly horrific person—we might as well have a Hitler Day too—is another issue.

All that being said, a lot of fresh writing ideas currently bubbling in my head. If I continue not to write, they will dry up.

State of the Blog: Week 13: Habits and Adjustments

My weekly state of the blog "addresses" have been the one thing I have kept up with regularly for my blog posts.

The current state is, sadly, dismal. My posts for the month of October have been short, often from my phone before bed, and sparse. Not including today, I have written and published a new post for only six of the twelve days this month. Today's post puts me over the 50% mark.

But that is not such bad news. I have been keeping up to some degree. And as I have mentioned before, this is still a fairly new habit I am implementing. Slips are reasonable (expected even), especially given the rigor of the new semester at work. That and juggling my newer role of an essentially single parent of twins was more difficult than I anticipated.

Plus, my ersatz wife is now not even keeping up with her minimal share of financial support for the boys' day care and medical insurance premium. Not even sure what to make of that.

But all this is useful information I will use to make adjustments to my daily habits, including fitting writing into my life as a daily practice. This is similar in ways to how I help my students to better plan and manage time as they learn how to manage the more rigorous work load of college life. I have really learned a lot from them as well. Teaching something to someone else is a great way to really learn something well for yourself.

So I will keep moving forward.

I have missed too many blogs the past few weeks to make up older ones, even with place holders, as I have done in the past. That would also just be a waste of time. And time is a precious commodity for me. I can do a better job of planning and using mine. But self time is also important. My weeks are so super packed and busy, that I have nothing left on the day and a half I don't have my boys with me. I have not gotten much done on those days. I need a better balance of self time and getting stuff done, so I feel rested and also get more things done during the weekend to better prepare for the week. It has like an avalanche effect.

So I will look closely at the adjustment I will have to make that will better allow me to achieve my goals.

I can and will do this. NaNoWriMo is fast approaching.

Developing a New Life Line Plan: The Recommittment Project

It has been too long. Or at least it feels that way.

I haven't had a chance to sit down and write in a while. This fist semester as a single parent has really kicked the shit out of me. (Well, not literally. My shit is still regular, which is good.) It has been a struggle to keep up. At times I feel disproportionately "I rue the day I met you" bitter at my wife.

I have to stop thinking of her as my wife and as someone who will help me with my children.

When I don't write, when I don't call upon my lifeline, things seem to fall apart for me. It really is my lifeline. I chose a good title for this blog, almost unwittingly.

But I have been so very fucking tired. Exhausted really. But not writing compounds the exhaustion. So I need to create that time. For my hopes of one day publishing something (other than the one crappy academic journal article) and for myself.

I write mostly because I love it. I need it even. That above all. I am a writer in that sense. Regardless of if I ever published or not, I will always write. It may very well happen here on this blog, if know where else.

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I have started deleting all the pictures and embedded videos from my prior blogs and republishing them. I reverted them all to saved drafts after I had what I am dubbing The Big Freak Out. It will be a process to get to them all, but I will eventually repost them all. Can't believe The Big Freak Out was almost a month ago. I really have been crazy-busy...and out of touch with my writing. 

Only a little more than two weeks until NaNoWriMO, and I need to get back into "writing shape." 

I actually wrote what I believe will be the start of my novel...or whatever it will be. As I mentioned in my last post three days ago (way too long between posts), my writing has been leading me in a creative non-fiction direction, seemingly of it's own accord. I will let it take the reigns and take me where it will. There seems to be somethings I have to get out...and sort out. 

Not too surprising, giving my current state of flux. Life transitions seems to be the general theme so far. A research area of expertise of mine, actually...and a long time area interest.

I will keep playing with it, but I'm pretty sure that is what I will write about in November. I knocked out 971 words pretty quickly today. About 700 words short of what I will need to produce daily to meet the 50,000 word goal in one month. 

It will be hard. It's important to acknowledge that. And I will need a plan that will allow me to make it happen. 

Skimping out on sleep is not an option. I did that several times to keep up with my work these past several weeks. That was just a bad experience. It made me sick and super grumpy. Not healthy for me or my boys. 

I'll be working on that plan. 

Confessio: I miss my wife today

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Exit Excuses. Enter Writing.

Finally caught up at work. The lingering cold I had is gone. Maybe now I can get back to my real life's work: writing. The time is here when I have to stop making excuses and start writing. Been playig around with the idea of memoir or some kind of creative nonfiction for NaNoWriMo.

State of the Blog: Week 12

Not as caught up on work as I would like. But caught up enough to get to writing again. Feeling very rusty. Complication: considering a weekend part time job.

More Cover Letters: In Search of a Possible Non-Existent Ideal

I sent another out today. The last couple, including one I got called in for an interview for, didn't pan out (obviously).

My hopes aren't incredibly high for this one. Plus, I have been at my current position for over a couple years now, and I am feeling pretty confident and good about my work. I am also moving into more leadership roles. It's an excellent institution as well (in a currently uncertain higher education job market).

One of my main motivators for seeking positions elsewhere is my boys (they are basically the main motivators for most things in my life).

I would love a job closer to their mother. It would make life easier for all of us. And it would be the best scenarios for my little men. More contact with their mother. She and I also wouldn't have to be so...hard-lined about custody and living arrangement issues. It could be a more fluid thing. We would still need a formal custody agreement (of course), but living closer to is just an ideal that I have built up in my head as...ideal.

But maybe that wouldn't necessarily be the case. It's hard to tell. While she does love our boys, my feeling is she doesn't necessarily love being a mother. I could be off base her, but I'm not sure how I could conclude otherwise. She has chosen a life and a lifestyle that does include her children being around all the time.

Prediction: In the summer (and for the summer only), we are supposed to switch our arrangements: she will have the boys during the week, and I will have them on the weekends. That won't happen. They will still be with me during the week next summer as well.

Sleep: It Does a Parent Good

Single parent of twin three-year-olds advice: sleep. I'm finally starting to get enough. I'm not totally exhausted and drained like I usually am around this time in the evening. 

NaNoWriMo: One Month and Counting

Happy October. One month to NaNoWriMo. And there is finally an end in sight to so far constant busyness to the fall semester. It has really worn me out. Balancing that and my boys was more than I anticipated. I should be relatively caught up this weekend and able to devote more time to writing.