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Why I Write: Another Bullshit Essay on this Tired Topic

Just finished class. The second semester of my second Ph.D. program. No, I am not going for two PhDs. I never finished the first. What a fucking loser. But I don't feel like a loser. Most of the time. 

But this post isn't an exploration into my perceived loser status. Your mileage may vary. It's about writing, assholes (for those who lean loser). 

This second doctoral attempt is both challenging my writing output and rekindling my writing passion. In unexpected ways. 

I've had to completely reconceptualize what writing means to me. Not by choice. And not an intentional endeavor. 

So what the fuck does writing mean to me? 

To be continued...

Lifelining Through a PhD Program and Other Recent Life Transitions

I have been feeling the need to return to my blog posts. I am feeling a need for the lifeline again. I am at something of a crossroads and a new life transition on several levels, and that is what the Lifeline had started out as. A major life transition, a divorce and single-parenting twin sons (baby-toddlers). I was overwhelmed. Heartbroken. Feeling very alone in the world. But I had written. I had this blog, and it helped. I am now sure exactly why. But I was inspired to start this blog then, back in 2013. Gosh, so long ago now. 

And it helped. It really did.

But I really LOVE the idea of using writing to work through life transitions. 

There are other transitions I am dealing with as well. Some of the societal, that we are all dealing with...hello pandemic and fascist, dictator seeking to throughout our democratic process to stay in power. It is scary stuff. 

My stepfather passed, and my sisters and I have taken on their financial burden and care for my mother. There is so much there I don't even know where to begin. 

My boys are 10 now. Tweens. My girlfriend says they are tweens now. And I guess that is accurate. They are certainly these budding men now, still clinging on the childhood. And I feel behind in catching up to that reality. they ingrained in my head as toddlers, but that really short-changes them. This is much easier than those toddler years. And with the pandemic and social distancing, it has been a luxury that they always have someone to play with: each other. But I also feel such sorry they can't stretch their social wings more. At an age this is becoming more important. 10. I have very vivid memories of being 10. The year the Bears won the Superbowl (Easier enough to calculate my age now). 

I have continued to be with the same girl I initially wrote about a couple years back. Fours years together now. Just celebrated our four year anniversary. It's a long-distance relationship. That has had challenges we both struggle with. I love her deeply, and we so lovee being together. And people who see us together see how in love we are and how contented we are together. She has brought such tremendous love into my life, among so many other things. But it is tragic, in ways. We can't be together more as we would like. We continued to work through that. And we are doing it. 

I have switched jobs. I am the Director of another program at another school. Starting year three of this job. 

My ex-wife has remarried. The woman she initially cheated on me with and left me for. Her wife is actually great with my kids, and I love that. But there is an odd tension I am not certain how to make sense of or handle. 

AND I started a Ph.D. program. In Higher Education Administration. Blending that into the mix is difficult. I feel overwhelmed. But...I am doing it. 

I have always liked the free form and public anonymity of this blog. This Writing. This Lifeline. I don't spend to much time edited. I just release what Natalie Goldberg refers to as the monkey mind as it comes to me. And I am a terrible typer...so always typos. Always. 

So here it is. My first Lifeline blog post in years. Will this help me as it did then? Will I stick with it? I guess we'll see. 

A New Call to Adventure: Writing, Life, and Love

Hello. It's been a while. But today, right now, I have my coffee, and I am writing once again.

It's been about five months since my last confession. That's a long time. I've been very busy, and I have not done much writing. Like at all. And I miss it. I've been struggling to figure out how to integrate writing back into my life. It's becoming this alien thing I do only sometimes now.

In reviewing a lot of my older blog posts, going back four years now (tiiiimmmme flies!), one overarching theme has emerged: my inability to commit to writing as a daily practice. That was yet another reason I started this blog, and it helped. For a while anyway.

Now most of my writing is for work. Emails. Work documents. Job descriptions. Budget justifications. Marketing pieces, which are kinda of interesting and at least entail a creative process. I also write a lot of texts (ugh), a couple social media outlets (Facebook and short Goodreads reviews) and one discussion board I regularly visit (nerd alert--about Star Wars stuff).

Actually, I've done a lot of good writing via text. I text my girlfriend a lot. We have these pretty deep text-talks, and through our writing to each other, through our dialogue, we explore and collaborate on some interesting ideas. It's good solid writing, better than I would have thought possible via a phone, much less texts. I'd be interested in exploring the collaborative, coauthored nature of text writing sometime. In ways, people are writing more than ever. In other ways, as an educator, text and social media writing is doing a very poor job teaching young people (and all people, really--this last election was a testament to that) how to write well. How to craft an argument. How to explore and evaluate ideas via writing, one of the best things about writing. But texting is its own medium. And people have been crying about how less prepared the youth of today are for just about everything since roughly forever. So I don't think texting is necessarily killing the radio store. All writing is good. Composition instructors can even use texting as a spring board to take young writers from the known to the unknown--critical thinking and crafting a sustained thought via writing.

So, yes, as I said I have a girlfriend now :)

She has started reading my blog too. I only recently showed it to her (recently being yesterday...lol). I didn't mean to not show her. The Life Line has faded for me as I have moved on to other phases in my life. It has been less...Life Line-y as it once was. I really needed it then. I named the blog well. It kept me afloat and helped me to work through...so much during a critical life transition.

She really likes my blog and the writing in it. So in addition to a new fanbase, lol...I also have a more real audience--someone I know, not just an anonymous horde I will never meet. You can't not consider your audience when you write. The anonymity of the blog was part of the appeal for me. Having an audience both provided me with a sort of motivation to keep writing, and the anonymity provided me with a safe haven to be more honest. But it was an audience nonetheless. And there were times I didn't post things after I had written them. I didn't want to expose some of the darker times. The periods I sank into a depressive funk. I wanted to sustain the illusion of getting better. And this illusion helped to actually create a better reality. The Life Line became as much of a persona as anything.

I may repost some of those more depressing posts someday.

So her presence as a reader of this blog changes the blog. But that is fitting. Having her in my life changes who I am. Changes how I live my life. I have had to learn how to let someone in. That has not been easy for me. Yet, at the same time, it has been crucial. She has become my new Life Line, more than she realizes.

We've been together like, what...10 moths now. Since September. Just thinking about her brings a smile to my face. She is really special. I'm a lucky man. I can hardly believe it at times, especially going back and re-reading my first Life Line posts.

This time, where I am now, how far I have come, felt like it was so far away. That depressive, post-marriage reality is now just a blip in my past. But it also really was a significant, new call to adventure that was the start of a whole new hero's quest, a whole new life. It is quite amazing how that pattern, the Monmouth, really does play out.

But the then of that time felt so...permanent. It was an exercise in despair, loss, and grief. It was pretty intense, and I did not know what to do. I did not know who I was. So much had felt like it had gone wrong. And I felt so...alone. Save for my work and my beautiful boys. Both of those things also saved me. I put all my focus into them at the expense of everything else.

It was overwhelming. It was scary. But I persisted. I wrote. I got up everyday. I kissed my sons. I worked hard. I excelled. Despite of or because of the situation. I'm not certain which.

Around this time last year, I moved into my new home. The second one I now own. I bought that first home to repair my credit, build up equity, and get a better home. A gamble, but also intentioanlly planned. I never would have thought I'd have two houses then. I have a really great job managing a very large academic program. I didn't see that coming so quickly then either. Managing a program is stressful. But I love it at the same time. I have been putting a lot of myself into that now. Molding the program more into where I think it needs to be. It's like a living thing. New obstacles and transitions all the time. And so many people, so much stuff and money I'm responsible for. That can feel overwhelming too. But you just keep at it every day, and you keep going and going and going. And things get better.

Results and outcomes improve. You can look back and see the results. It's very rewarding.

The Life Line allows me to look back and see where I was then, who I was then. Because we don't always see the change as it's happening. But the cumulative effects of the gradual changes can result in waking up one day and realizing, shit, things are so different. So better.

I have found a new equilibrium. I am so much better than I would have imagined four years ago. My boys are doing so great in school. If I think about how well they are doing, I am completely capable of crying. They are such smart little people now. And they were barely more than babies then. My ex and I have found a niche in which we are able to communicate and work together to coparent our children. We are semi-friends now even. It's nice, in a way, to have her back in my life as kind of friend. It can also be maddening at times. But it's good.

And I've found love again. I honestly thought that was something that was in the past for me. Something that I had experienced but never would again. And after losing love and then re-finding it, it is all the more precious. It's another new call. Another great identity defining adventure. We are carving out a new identity together. We have no idea where it's going. I am just enjoying having her in my life.

So how do I juggle it all? Work, parenting, writing, my home, my health, and love. There are no instructions to follow. We make it up as we go.

It's a story we continually craft. So why not chose to love your story? Believe in it. Keep revising it. But also just live it. Like a story or any piece of writing, let it guide you where it will. That is the best part of writing. How it creates things and takes you to places you didn't know you were going to.

I didn't meticulously plan out this blog post. I just decided I was going to blog again today.

And so I sat down with my coffee and started writing.

The Myth of the Birth of Hero Psychology

I have been thinking about what kind of writer I want to be a lot lately...just not doing much writing...which I really need to do to, you know, be a writer. The old, bullshit excuse...time.

I do not recall if I ever mentioned it before on this blog, but I have been meaning to reintroduce and re-explore in essay and personal narrative form, my old idea I called Hero Psychology. It has been something that has stayed with me and always informed me in ways as well.

So what is Hero Psychology? Well, what it is not is a psychological analysis of heroism. Although there is a psychological compoenent to it.

It's an amalgamation, really, of psychology, mythology, literature, and story that I used as a model to explain life transitions. And there are, it seems to me, many life transiosn--more than the eight Erikson focused on. Perhaps this is a more contemporary development? A continual series of major life transition. Or perhaps Erikson was trying to look at these transitions through a unversal lens, if one can be said to exist.

In any case. while Erisksonian theory was a foundational peice of my model, there were more as well. Marcia, who buidle upon Eriskon to look at how we move through the life stages. And then Joseph Campbell's monomoth, which explored how myths describe the psychological process of navigating the inevitable life crisis.

A couple more psychologicl modesl were involved, but those three were at the core.

And I called it Hero Psychology.

As a younger person, identity and particularly identity transitions, maybe becasue I struggled with them very badly as a very yound adult, was a big interest to me. This transition continues to be an interest to me to this day. But in different ways. Life transiton have a tremendous power to really shape our perceptions of ourslves and, thus, the world,,,and so, in fact, shape the world.

What I was really seaching for then was a way to explain the self in a more broad way. I felt the psychology of science, and social sciences in general, could only take me so far. And I was also searching for what connecting the self and society. To me, there seemed to be a missing link between how the two influenced eachother. And I was not happy with the soley social science explanation, although anthropology and sociology really helped me to see an bigger picture than psychology, particultly the role of culture and self.

I was at the same type stuying and teaching writing and reading a lot of literary and rehtorical theory. Narrative and methaphor seemed supremely important.. But again, I could not see how all the peices fit. And neither dsiciplined seemed to be interested in exploring this connection.

I was, however, already primed by Joseph Campbell, who I discovered prior to my studies. Who, I retrospectively realize, was, ironically, a big part of my intelluectual call to adventure.

And when I returned to his work, I felt the missing link was there--mythology. Or more broader thinking, story.

The link bewteen self and society is story. And so I began peicing together my theory. It was good. I presented on it. People were interested, but other things in life came up.

But the call is calling to me again. In more ways than one. Writing. New love. Intecual curiossity. My work with students. My sons getting older and on the bring of their own life transitions. Poltics...crazy, crazy politics. And more.

I continue to use my old theory to help me make sense of things. And I would like to use this blog to further develop the theory, rediscover the theory, make it better, and apply it more practically.

Can there be a practive of Hero Pychology? I think it can.

Can I be the first Hero Psychologist?

Since Robopsychologist never really took for me, maybe Hero Psychology can be the next best thing.

I joke...but there is also a truth behind the joke. (And, of course, the joke is probably only funny to me.)

Sex and Relationships and Dating...and Writing...in your 40's


I had exactly one post last year. Wow. That was not my intent, but it was a busy year. And the Life Line has changed for me. I did not need it as a Life Line in the same way I did when I started the blog in 2013...newly seperated, on the brink of divorce, learning to be a single dad of twin boys, and recently moved to a new towm. It was an intense year,

Things have gotten a lot better, but I still love to write...and I have been doing some. But not much. My newer role at work has just consumed me. I did finally buy that new house...this summer. I love it. It is great for me and my boys. Now I own two homes. I'm renting out one. I owned zero when I started this blog...and my credit was a wreck. I owe a lot, in ways, to the Life Line.

I started more actively dating in 2016 too. It had been a while. And 2017 begins with an actual girlfirend. It has real potential to become something more. But...some real obstacles I'll discuss (at least some) later.

But the Life Line for now is still a thing. And I would like to blog about other things as well, and not just use it as a semi-self-censored journal.

But it is getting late, and I'm getting tired--and I'd like to get to bed. I didn't sleep very well last night. But in a good way...as is the case when you have a girlfriend (or boyfriend..but I only do girlfriends...no pun intended).

Sex and relationships and dating in your 40's is very different. I want to say better. Sex is better. Perhaps a lot better. That is a pleasant surprise. I've never before really thought of sex as a sort of...dialogue...but it so absolutely is.

In any case, I am feeling I need the Life Line again...but I am not sure how. Writing has always been a lifeline for me...I just did not always recognize it as such, And when I write regularly, I know myself better, I focus better, and my thoughts, and thus life, are more organized

So what are my writing goals for 2017? What kind of writer do I want to be?

The quest continues in your 40's. There is always a new crisis moment...always a new heroes quest. Life as a heroes quest...maybe that is what I should name this blog. But we write our life stories as we go. So Writing as Life Line fits in that regard as well. All dialogue, all utterances are story. Or so our minds craft them as such.

So today, this new year, a new call. But I am not sure what the crisis is yet, or what the quest will be about. But the hero never does as first.

Back to Writing: Starting Small and Weighing Options

Writing. Writing. Writing.

2015 was a pretty big year for me, career-wise. This also seemed to mean little to no time spent writing. Which sucks.

But with a big income jump, I will not be teaching an additional online class part time, which equates into much more time I can spend on writing.

And I desperately want to get back into a daily writing commitment habit. If I'm honest with myself, writing is my passion and dream more than anything else.

But another part of me is pulling away from that. I look to keep furthering my career and start a Ph.D. program in the fall. Ugh. I would totally get in. And it is a program specifically for working professionals in Higher Ed., so I could make it work.

But at what cost? What would the potential pay off be?

Where is my line of taking on too much and becoming overwhelmed and exhausted and burnt out. And unhappy, for some future that I hope will be better. While also taking on more debt.

And yet, a part of me really want it.

But I need to write! I hate not writing. And I would like to finally commit to my writing. I have put off doing so my whole life, and...I'm not young anymore. Not old. But not young.

Life...got in the way. Grad school. Falling in love. Marriage. The Great Recession. The birth of my boys. Divorce.

And putting all the pieces back together after things fell apart (part of why I start the Life Line to begin with).

The pieces are now more in place than they have been in a long time. A good job with reasonable stability and opportunity for continued advancement.

About to close on a new home I feel very good about raising my boys in.

My ex and I have come to a really good place in terms of communicating well in order to get our boys' needs met.

I will be pretty busy with new house stuff for the next couple months...and sooo much stuff to do at work. Don't even want to think about that right now.

But today, now. before my boys wake up, I am writing. I have my coffee, and I have my keyboard. When I have my boys with me, writing in the morning is the only way I will be able to make it happen.

I guess I don't have to decide write now. If I do the Ph.D. thing, that would not even start until the fall. I have 8 months to write in the meantime. Hell, I could finish a novel by then.

So I am committing to writing on a daily basis once again. I need a plan to help keep up and persist with this commitment. Start small. Carve out specific time each day.

The Inevitable Crash at the End of the Tunnel

Do you how when you are just going and working and doing and no down time or break for so long and you are just doing it and going and going and you are tired but motivated and just keep going because there is so much to do and if you don't get it done, there really is no one else who can.....

....and then, finally, you get a bit a a respite, a day off when you can do some things, but decide to chill for once...

...and of course, your body, perhaps strategically, chooses that day to smack you down with a whopper of a cold...

...well that was basically my Christmas...

...sick as a dog, so the saying goes...where does that saying come from?

It was pretty intense. I don't remember being that sick in a long time. But I'm feeling a good deal better today and will be heading off to see the doctor to get drugs. DRUUUGGGS!

But first, I wanted to write a little this morning. Possibly may last Life Line post of the year, and the Life Line saw a bit of a renascence this year, and some big, but good, life transitions and opportunities that kept being put in my path. And I took them all on.

And it was a hugely successful year in that regard. My most successful perhaps, that I plan to continue building on.

I am moving closer to closing on my home (man, that process is a crazy on), and I found a person to rent my home out to. I was pretty worried about finding anyone, but the response was overwhelming. I should have list a higher monthly rent, Live and learn.

But now I am also thinking, after I build more equity, investing in rental properties might be a thing I may want to do.

And perhaps set up a sweet retirement source of income.

Something on my radar at least.

But first things first.

Things to do today. Christmas is net yet over...I kinda didn't get one, and my boys and I have some fun plans in stores (it was my ex's turn to have to boys on Christmas). Oddly, I wasn't depressed about it like I was the first time I didn't get to spend Christmas with my boys the first time a couple years back.

I missed them, of course, But this is now just the new norm, and the time I was with my ex and our family was together is become a distant memory (in the not so distant past).

It's a much healthier mental state to be in. Those first months, that first year and a half or so...that was rough on multiple levels.

And yet, it also led to some of the success I have been working up to. Not entirely sure I would have had the same success if I was still married. That may be totally unfair to my ex, but...there is truth there. Perhaps for both of us.

And yet...I still hang on to slivers of hope of our family coming back together.

Romantic fool.

Ugh. I get pretty tied pretty quickly. And sweat a lot. Gross, I know. Hopeful that is my body working to get this cold out of my system.

Don't worry, body, I will be sending some help down my gullet soon enough.

Oh, and coffee...so good this morning.

Yesterday, no coffee. You know you're sick when you don't crave coffee. That was perhaps the biggest indicator that this would be something I could shake off and power through.

But the black goodness is with me once again. And it was blissful.

Bliss.

Hmmm...I used to be very big on the notion of following your bliss. But my life has gone in some unexpected directions. Maybe I was too fixated on a path that was not really my bliss.

What, then, really is my bliss? What do I really want?

Writing is always somewhere in there. I would like to get back into writing, as I keep saying. Perhaps this year i will finally get to do so.

Perhaps.