The Extra Freedom and Pressure of Leadership and the Continual Pride and Grief of Parenting
First, official full week with my new position...responsible for a very large program. I have a staff! Just getting to know them, and I really like them and am enjoying my new role a lot. Tons of new challenges, some very new and a bit overwhelming, but I feel generally...up for the challenge. Eager to take the next step and learn new, cool things. Been doing the same line of work for a while, and it was getting...old. I really enjoy leadership roles. I found that out about myself in the military. I thrive in them. I like the extra mental stimulation, and I like being in control. I really do. Not sure what that says about me. Am I a control freak? I don't think so. But I really value autonomy and creativity and continual improvement. All things I have more free range to explore and implement, I, of course, report to people and am more accountable than ever, The stakes are higher, I could more easily hide away in my former roles. Just do my job and keep off the radar of prying eyes. So I will be more scrutinized. I am up for that as well. I'm pretty competitive, actually, so I like the extra pressure. The trick is to stay not only on top but ahead. And to innovate. That is where I can really thrive.
But this is another transition, so...stress, and I have to acknowledge and respect that. Life transitions are stressful man. But after life experiences like the military and divorce...I've become very well practiced in life transitions. And the more practice, the better and more comfortable you are with them...with anything really.
My boys also start kindergarten this week, which I am both happy and sad about. Especially happy to not pay day care expenses (or, at least, not nearly as much), But sad my boys are getting bigger so quickly...but also relieved. Conflicting emotions, really. Parenting is always hard, stressful, scary, frustrating...but also so awesome. My world centers around these little people. They bring me such intense happiness and love. The shadow of that is also there too. Fear. You want good things always for your kids, which can hinder them. I have to let go a bit. That's hard too. I feel like they were babies only yesterday. Breaks my heart. And that's parenting, Continual pride and grief. Every time they get older and reach a new milestone, I am so happy and proud of them. But I also mourn that age period I will never get back. Who they were just a year ago. They change and develop so much ans so quickly. All though the day care years, I was very cognizant of making sure to enjoy the moment and not wish too much for those crazy expensive years to be behind me. I think I did relatively well.
I would like to be more patient with them. That can be very hard too. I would say especially with twins, but all I know is twins; so no real comparison group.
Kind of a lazy day today. I needed it. Get back to it tomorrow, and prepare for the week to come.
But this is another transition, so...stress, and I have to acknowledge and respect that. Life transitions are stressful man. But after life experiences like the military and divorce...I've become very well practiced in life transitions. And the more practice, the better and more comfortable you are with them...with anything really.
My boys also start kindergarten this week, which I am both happy and sad about. Especially happy to not pay day care expenses (or, at least, not nearly as much), But sad my boys are getting bigger so quickly...but also relieved. Conflicting emotions, really. Parenting is always hard, stressful, scary, frustrating...but also so awesome. My world centers around these little people. They bring me such intense happiness and love. The shadow of that is also there too. Fear. You want good things always for your kids, which can hinder them. I have to let go a bit. That's hard too. I feel like they were babies only yesterday. Breaks my heart. And that's parenting, Continual pride and grief. Every time they get older and reach a new milestone, I am so happy and proud of them. But I also mourn that age period I will never get back. Who they were just a year ago. They change and develop so much ans so quickly. All though the day care years, I was very cognizant of making sure to enjoy the moment and not wish too much for those crazy expensive years to be behind me. I think I did relatively well.
I would like to be more patient with them. That can be very hard too. I would say especially with twins, but all I know is twins; so no real comparison group.
Kind of a lazy day today. I needed it. Get back to it tomorrow, and prepare for the week to come.
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