Budget-Anxiety (and Increasing Confidence), Emotional Intelligence and Leadership, & Video Games as a Self-Efficacy Tool

The semester is in full swing now. I have survived, but it was a crazy-busy week (in a good way). I still feel intimidated by the MUCH larger budget I manage, but I am feeling more comfortable with that already as well. The actual amount is more of a psychological thing. In practice, it is not so different from smaller budget amounts. The same budgeting principles apply (but there are also some differences due to the magnitude...and I feel confident I can do this well).

I'm currently in a situation where I am shopping around and will be spending a pretty large chunk of change. THAT feels somewhat intimidating, if I look at it big picture, which I do need to do. But using that big picture to break it into smaller chunks does wonders. I will be working on that stuff today and will have a plan to get this done tomorrow. I really am looking forward to showing them my awesomeness in this situation.

Then I can move on to other things,

Like I keep saying, I love these challenges and the mental stimulation involved.

But this particular issue has been my priority and most immediate focus all week, and it currently still dominates my other priorities. Part of the problem is inheriting a budget and researching back what has been spent, when, where, and why. The transition between directors and my somewhat late start at a critical time has presented more challenges. This combination will lead to some other consequences, but I have a good grasp on that as well.

But I feel good about how I have been handling this.

I look forward to when it will be "my budget."

What I am not as proud of with my performance is how I have been implemented needed changes with the work group. I have not been tended to the work groups needs or feedback very well, and it has left them feeling thrown off. That is totally on me, so I have to address it. Re-evaluate and tend better to the emotional state of cohesion of the group. I may have to pull back on some things and give them more agency in helping with and planning these changes.

This, too, I can turn into an opportunity for growth, for me and for the group, and for each individual. I've been becoming very big on the concept of emotional intelligence and how that relates to successful leadership. My training in counseling really puts me at an advantage there, I believe.

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My boys are doing well in kindergarten. We had an open house, and I was impressed with how the teacher praised their ability to listen well (we've been working on that), their enthusiasm, and how well they are doing with letters and starting to read. So proud of them. I especially rewarded the the listening praise.

I have also been working on helping to cultivate a positive attitude for difficult/frustrating tasks, and I am starting to see pay offs already. They are now telling me how when they accomplish something difficult, they kept telling themselves they can do it (they were getting in this habit of saying things like, "I will NEVER be able to do it," which was worrying me) and how that is directly translating into what I am seeing in an increased willingness to persevere and eventual success. Love it!

I know it can be anathema to discuss video games as anything else but a terrible thing for children, but I disagree...if used properly and with intention. It can be used a positive tool that can help with confidence, competition, and increased self-efficacy in other areas, including academic.

I am not a fan of the violent video games for my children, but research is showing they do not necessarily promote increased violent tendencies. Anecdotally, one of my nephews played a lot of very violent games when he was younger, and I was worried how that may affect him. But he has matured in a very accomplished young man who is doing very well academically and in his numerous extra-curriculars.

After Some Experimentation With Different Project/Task Management Tools, ToDoist Seems to be the Best Fit

It was actually good to be back to work yesterday, and I am looking forward to getting started again today, I just like implementing and executing plans and collaborating productively with a team to get things done...part of my new(er) productivity kick,

Given what I learned at the training workshop, there are a number of changes we need to implement asap...some I had already been considering, some have become more pressing due to recent staff circumstances, and some have become a very immediate priority based on what I learned (including some immediate budget concerns, which, frankly, intimidate me).

But my big focus has been changing our scheduling structure, and I am getting good feedback and some push back. Collaboration is really important to me as a leader, and I want ideas to flow freely (and a culture that cultivates ideas). But when I decide on a course of actions based on all the feedback, I need full commitment to it from everyone. I like monitoring and analyzing what is and isn't working to continually tweak, but the staff needs to commit. And I am getting that and...not getting that. But it is a process and a challenge I enjoy and am excited about.

I have also all but decided to go back to ToDoist. I experimented with it for myself for a while...and it is a great tool. I just like using one tool, Evernote, instead of multiple ones. But for a team project/task manager, I have revisited ToDoist. I was hoping Asana would be the team project manager, but I have not been pleased with the functionality, especially the app, which is very limited. The ToDoist integration with multiple platforms is fantastic. And the app, which I have reinstalled on my phone, is simply beautiful. Plus, it is, in a sense, Evernote compatible. I can send a not as a task to ToDoist through the app...a feature I truly like.

Plus it has all the communication, group project sharing, and assigning of tasks that I really wanted. So, I am planning to introduce that to the team...soon. But first, I have some more immidiate issues that are extremeley time consuming and time sensitive to address.

But I will be planning a ToDoist rollout very soon.

Extended Stay Adventures: Mix of Getting Things Done and Getting to Know This City

Busy day yesterday, despite not having any training or anything else "scheduled." I did end up getting my stay extended for additional training (important stuff the college agree I should stay for). Yesterday was a sort of in-between sessions day, so I have a day to myself...in the West Coast! I spent a good deal of the day, however, working. Catching up on emails, trouble shooting issues needed my attention, planning, etc. I felt rather productive. I do like being in charge of this program. Such a great fit for me in terms of professional expertise and passion. Would I like more money, of course. But with hard and good work, that will come. And what would the next step be? Do I want to take on an even larger program? Maybe include more under what I already do? Maybe. Would I want to be a dean someday? It sounds attractive. Again, my answer is maybe. I need a better idea of what is involved, and it seems like a lot! I respect our Dean (the one I work most with) a lot. Very busy, hardworking, and straight forward. I like all those, but especially the straight-forwardness. I want to convey that to him. I like my new responsibilities, although it feels overwhelming at times. I have to be patient with myself there.

I probably could have continued working indefinitely. There is always more work to do. But after the most pressing things were taken care of, I decided to stop and spend a little time enjoying this beautiful city. I again went for a nice jog along the bay. Felt good. I then decided to rent a car to really explore the city and the area. That is me. I wanted to get a feel for things and just go where things led me. That I did. I'm a navy veteran, so I visited the naval museum and all the bases in the area. I was stationed East Coast, so I really wanted to see and experience the bases on this side. My old ship (re: my old home for four years) is actually currently docked here, which I found prtty amazing. Wherever you go, home is kind of always there. But, as they say, you can never go home again. As a veteran, I am not allowed back on bases, despite my VA card. I need an active military ID (or retired ID). Don't have those. Could not get on the bases, and they have currently stopped tours. I really tried multiple paths to see if I could get on board my old ship, even for a while. Just not happening. Irony. Stuck on that thing for four years. Couldn't wait to leave. And here I wanted nothing more than to get back on. Can't believe it's been 15 years. Where does the time go. In any case, I got as close as I could. It was good just to see her live and in port again. Talk about nostalgia.

I also checked out a local island and stopped at a ocean beach front. It was starting to get late, so I headed back to the city. I also had some other errands to run, included stocking up on things I needed, since I hadn't planned to stay so long. I just enjoyed the cruising. Got to see and experience the area.

My last stop was this fantastic bar on the top of a hotel that overlooked the local MLB park. I wasn't particularly interested in the game, but I am an old school sport fanatic (retired from the past time in a way--but considering picking it up for my boys sake...and also to bond more with other men--people love sports, as I used to, but I just kind of got sick of it...not sure how to rekindle that passion, and it is hard to fake it). It was fun, and I watched the game, drank and overpriced beer, and chatted with a few strangers who were also from out of town travelling on business trips.

Sessions start up again today. Kind of a bummer. Would love to chill more, but this is really important stuff, so I do have to psyche myself back up, get back into it. I may be more down-low with the activities. I can't spend to much (but I would say I have been pretty frugal, while also giving myself permission to experience life).

Good to write again. I regretting not having enough time to do so yesterday (and I thought I would have plenty).

Miss my boys. I made sure we talked yesterday. I love them so. I love our relationship and our strong bond. That is precious to me.

Getting Older, Maturity, and the Moment as Your Life

Day Two waking up in the West Coast. The training was fantastic and super helpful, and I am looking to see if I can stay long for the next training sessions. If I can, the most difficult part may be scheduling issues with the ex...and that I'd terribly miss my boys.

I don't have much time this morning. I did a few work emails first thing, but I wanted to sneak in a quick blog post.

I did get out on the town a little bit. Wanted to make sure I did. I have a couple cool activities planned for today as well. Who knows...I may never be here again. As I get older, life feels shorter and therefore more...precious. I want to soak it up more. Enjoy it more, even the parts that suck.

I am not sure if I posted about this before, but I found a great quote that has really resonated with me: "Be happy for this moment...for this moment is your life."

I am also excited about the things I am learning. I have a bunch of ideas of the changes I would like to make in our work group. Positive changes I am looking forward too. Some things we really HAVE to change.

If I can stay longer for the next training sessions, I would have a day of nothing to do. I would make that a work day...get lots of things done I could not otherwise fit in. In ways, it would be beneficial.

I hope I can make this extension work.

We will see.

Traveling, Motion Sickness, Penthouses, and the Tyranny of Morning People

Writing from my hotel balcony in the West Cost. Ocean front. It's a beautiful morning with. Pleasant breeze. The travels went fine, but despite all my efforts, anti-motion sick drugs, and precautions, I felt pretty sick. I've always been prone to motion sickness. Not excessively. But it made my service in the Navy a little rough at times. I love airport, but I hate flying. It's not a fear of heights, I just get a pretty bad headache and nausea. Guess I was never a bird in a past life.

But the travel was still fun, and I made a friend on the airplane (as airplane friendships go, anyway).

About an hour and a half before the training starts. Still have to get dresses. Already ate breakfast...in the penthouse overlooking the bay. It's been a long time since I've seen a docked aircraft carrier.

I'm debating whether to shower and shave. I showered before I passed out and woke a little later than I would have liked. And I don't mind a little unshaven, but neatly trimmed scruff. Though less professional. We'll see.

The ride allowed me to spend more time reading up on all the things, rules, regulations, budget stuff, I need to know for my new job. And also brainstorm and write down ideas as I did so. I enjoyed the process. I was more focused being away from the daily grind and concerns of my life at home. Hmm. What does that say about how I can better optimize things at home to be more productive and creative?

It's pretty early, and a lot of people are up and about doing things already. Why would they not sleep in? I would definitely still be in bed if I didn't have to get up. I am not a morning person at all. But I get up really early every day out of necessity. But my circadian rhythm always rebels (confessional--i had to look that word up...I was originally going to type internal clock).

Anyway, time to get ready for the day and turn on my social face.

Go West, Young Man!: Last Minute Things Before I Go

OK, so I am not exactly a young man (though I do still feel young...knock on wood). Go west, man (sans young) just does not have the same historic ring to it. 

But I am leaving for the West Coast soon. VERY SOON. A couple hours, actually, and I probably shouldn't be wasting time writing a blog post. But I felt like doing one, so there it is. 

Got my first promotion pay check. Better, but I am not blown away (but also not complaining). But that in additional to MUCH LESS spent on day care will make a very big difference.

The hiccup situation I mentioned yesterday is, I think, evening out. It will take time to repair (and some kind of mini-breach may always be there), but I just have to keep doing what I do and do it well and stay positive. I also have a new staffing issue to deal with. Initially, that news was an "oh fuck" moment. But those are the kinds of issues I am supposed to deal with. It's part of the job. Unexpected and kind of bullshit, yes. But that is what I have to work with and make work. And as I thought about it more, I realized it is also an opportunity to implement some changes I have been considering. This will sort of be a catalyst that will force these changes to happen. 

I had some thoughts on the matter as I wrote, so I opened Evernote to create a new folder and record those thoughts. EN win! But while waiting for EN to open I almost lost a thought. So a new standard practice needs to be keeping EN open. Open that first, before email (and anything else). 

OK, time to get moving now. Time is running short!

And I'm going to San Diego! Pretty excited about it, and I have a pretty cool packing.organization plan. 

Darth Vader vs. Hot Wheels.

Man, Three days since my last post? Time goes by fast (thank you Ferris Beuller wisdom). Speaking of time going by fast, my sons started kindergarten this week. So fast. Five years plus with since I first learned we were pregnant with my little knuckleheads...practically an eye blink. Yet, I have lived so much life, a more full and more...present life...with them in the picture. Next eye blink they will be 10. I can't even imagine that, in the same way I couldn't imagine five when they were babies. They are undeniably tiny people now (albeit crazy tiny people...as only five year olds can be). They have their own agency, and they are developing more of a consciousness, a self-story, a concept of who they are.

The little things make me happy. Yesterday they were playing with their Hot Wheels cars and race track set...and somehow this giant Darth Vader action figure we have become part of the shenanigans. Very Toy Story-eske. It was so...great. I was shaving with this big stupid grin as they played.

The new position continues to go well. Although I had a pretty major...hiccup I've had to deal with. Without going into details, it really sucks, and I am not out of the fire yet. But I am taking it as a learning experience and even an opportunity. Turn a potential negative into a positive. That's the only real way I can approach that...situation. But that's a more behind the scenes situation. The more visible study with the program and my new team is going great...but they have started to balk a little bit with some of the new and different directions I am interested taking the program. And that is OK too and not to be expected. I want them to feel fully able to express their concerns, and that I will fully listen and consider what they have to say. It's a good group, so I am lucky.

Leave for the west Coast tomorrow. Wow. Lots to do before I go...at work and at home. Will get a lot accomplished today. Looking forward to it. I like looking forward to what I do.

West Coast Training and...I Flirted!

An important training conference opportunity came to my attention, and I had to take it (my school agreed), so this weekend, I'm traveling to the West Coast! Sweat. I'm excited about the training experience in itself, but also for the travel...did I mention to the West Coast! And, again, the autonomy...I can basically do what I want, and it's my (sizable) budget. Not that I am frivolous about it. It will definitely benefit our program and the college. But just that I can do that and not so much ask permission as simply inform the higher ups of my plan is new to me...and awesome (and sometimes intimidating that all the decisions are on me). But it's a trust I have earned, and feel honored they value and respect my judgement to make decisions as I see fit. And that trust serves to motivate me even more.

So West Coast here I come. Only been there once before, and it was great. And it's a very large coast (obviously), so I will get to experience a different part of the coast (I know...vague...sorry).

Ex was cool in supporting the trip and adjusting our schedule. I do it for her training conferences as well--we are pretty good like that. It benefits our careers and thus, by extension, our boys.

Should finalize the plans today.

On a semi-related note, I needed a hair cut and wanted to look good for the trip. I happened to have the same stylist who cut my hair prior to my interview. And she remembered me and the interview. And she is cute as hell. And we just had this really fun time talking and laughing (and dare I say flirting?). Felt natural to bounce corny jokes and quips off each other and talk about our lives. And did I mentioned she's really cute and single I (think). Soooo...I decide to pursue it further in what I thought was a pretty slick way (for me anyway). She seemed flattered and interested (I think). Not sure if anything will come of it. I hope so, but no expectations. In any case, it was just a fun experience, and for that, I am glad. And if something further doesn't work out, I may have gained a new friend. We'll see. I have another slick move (move?) planned that should make her happy. And the thought of that makes me happy...no strings attached.

Morning Routine Project

I at least woke up earlier and better today, but I did not make the best use of my time in the morning. I am working on improving my morning routine to be more time efficient and generally less hectic. I also want time to relax for a bit, sip coffee, and write. And also squeeze in a quick workout: stretching push-ups and sit-ups. Perhaps too ambitious.

The success of the morning routine also entails proper prep at night and on the weekends. Having my clothes ready, breakfast, lunch, etc. I would like to be intentional and create a checklist to help automate the project and make it a habit.

My cell phone has also been a barrier, and I have committed to not sleeping with it next to me, not using it as an alarm, and not checking emails or anything else until I get to work. I was more successful with that today...but not at successful as I would like (not even close). Although I AM writing. And that is something.

I am feeling pretty serious about getting back to creative writing. I have some really great in-progress (albeit semi-abandoned stories) I would like to get back to.

But my new job and my sons starting kindergarten has kinda changes everything. I have to look closer at my goals, priorities, and values.

But a lot here will be contingent upon a successful morning routine. This is a project I need to address ASAP.

Excites and nervous about work today. I already feel things are backed up a little. I can really go a long way toward getting more organized and feeling on top of things today...a crucial day in that regard. I have to stay focused.

Return of Narrative Psychology and My Initial Attempts to Employ GTD/EN/Asana With My Team

First off, apologies for my many typos. I kind of just write these off the cuff, and don't really revise or edit. This blog is more of a stream of consciousness, thought organizer tool for me. The public-ness of it adds an extra, I don't know, incentive to actually write something with at least a semblance of coherence. Even if no one is really reading this--which seems to be the case--writing for even an imaginary audience keeps my mind more focused, which is a little sad, considering the meanderings of my posts. I'm a long time journaler, but I have found my private journaling in recent years have become more sparce and very sporadic, like a collection of disjointed, random and short thought bursts. So, again, the blog somehow gets me to write more (despite my long hiatus from the Life Line). And it keeps my rants more cohesive. I explore and reflect on my thoughts more.

When I was on the hiatus and writing very little, I felt this sort of unorganized mind anxiety creep up on me. So I dabbled with going back to this blog in march (after stopping for a long time LAST August). But it was really my recent interview when I felt a need to really utilize the power of writing, the power of this Life Line blog. And I truly think it helped. So, it a public journal. I try to keep it clean :)

Speaking of keeping it clean, I did feel I censored myself yesterday. With the new promotion and how social media can ruin careers, especially maybe in academe, I felt inhibited, and I wasn't happy with what I wrote. But I wrote, and I always feel writing something is always better than not writing...at least for me.

To be far in regards to the hiatus, I was writing more. I was journaling on Evernote (I continue to experiement with ways to use EN), and I was working on a couple creative writing projects, which I hope to return to soon. Also, last year was another huge transition year for me. Moved to a new town, new job, and I bought a house. Those are really big life stressors. I also started teaching online again, and I get the majority of work done for my classes during the weekend. So finding a new balance was hard. Still working on that, really. That where Getting Things Done really came in as a must for me, and I'm glad I found it. It has helped a lot, and I still have not implemented it to it's full potential. It's an ongoing project...and one I like and feel good about when I get better. I am also looking for ways to employ a GTD workflow with my new staff and tools that will facilitate that. I don't want to introduce something herky jerky, but I am considering having the workgroup use download and use Evernote and possible a project management tool. Top contenders I am considering is Asana and Azendoo. Azendo is more EN compatible. But Asana has a much better and easier user interface.

Finally, my creative writing. I want to get back into it, I also am pretty sure I am going to pursue a Ph.D. There are some out there for working professionals in Higher Ed. I am interested in. But all these things take time, and I can be pretty bad at overextending myself. So I have to set limits and priorities. Sounds like a new project to tackle.

Man, my blogs are much more peppy and positive. Sappy even. Probably more boring from a readers perspective. Thinking and reading back on my initial Life Line posts, I was in a pretty dark place. Recently separated, on the verge of divorce. One of my areas of research expertise in grad school was about the therapeutic power of writing. There is a lot of theorists and empirical evidence that speaks for the efficacy of writing and narratives. A lesser known subfield within psychology, even; narrative psychology. One of my favorite comprehensive websites about the field still exits, I'm happy to say...though it looks like it hasn't been updated in, oh, 10 years or so. Time REALLY does fly. But the narrative psychology and therapy is very much alive and thriving. And my own experience with this blog really speaks further for the effectiveness of writing to help cope with tough life experiences and transitions. Life Line indeed. I had sort of forgotten about my former passion for narrative psychology, but that info, it seems, had always been banging around in head, urging me to create this blog and inspire what I named it, And, now, through writing, I have rediscovered this old passion. We shall not cease from our explorations...

How can narrative psych help me further? How can I bring it to my work group and my students?

The Extra Freedom and Pressure of Leadership and the Continual Pride and Grief of Parenting

First, official full week with my new position...responsible for a very large program. I have a staff! Just getting to know them, and I really like them and am enjoying my new role a lot. Tons of new challenges, some very new and a bit overwhelming, but I feel generally...up for the challenge. Eager to take the next step and learn new, cool things. Been doing the same line of work for a while, and it was getting...old. I really enjoy leadership roles. I found that out about myself in the military. I thrive in them. I like the extra mental stimulation, and I like being in control. I really do. Not sure what that says about me. Am I a control freak? I don't think so. But I really value autonomy and creativity and continual improvement. All things I have more free range to explore and implement, I, of course, report to people and am more accountable than ever, The stakes are higher, I could more easily hide away in my former roles. Just do my job and keep off the radar of prying eyes. So I will be more scrutinized. I am up for that as well. I'm pretty competitive, actually, so I like the extra pressure. The trick is to stay not only on top but ahead. And to innovate. That is where I can really thrive.

But this is another transition, so...stress, and I have to acknowledge and respect that. Life transitions are stressful man. But after life experiences like the military and divorce...I've become very well practiced in life transitions. And the more practice, the better and more comfortable you are with them...with anything really.

My boys also start kindergarten this week, which I am both happy and sad about. Especially happy to not pay day care expenses (or, at least, not nearly as much), But sad my boys are getting bigger so quickly...but also relieved. Conflicting emotions, really. Parenting is always hard, stressful, scary, frustrating...but also so awesome. My world centers around these little people. They bring me such intense happiness and love. The shadow of that is also there too. Fear. You want good things always for your kids, which can hinder them. I have to let go a bit. That's hard too. I feel like they were babies only yesterday. Breaks my heart. And that's parenting, Continual pride and grief. Every time they get older and reach a new milestone, I am so happy and proud of them. But I also mourn that age period I will never get back. Who they were just a year ago. They change and develop so much ans so quickly. All though the day care years, I was very cognizant of making sure to enjoy the moment and not wish too much for those crazy expensive years to be behind me. I think I did relatively well.

I would like to be more patient with them. That can be very hard too. I would say especially with twins, but all I know is twins; so no real comparison group.

Kind of a lazy day today. I needed it. Get back to it tomorrow, and prepare for the week to come.