Dear Life Line: It's Not You, It's Me

I feel terrible. It just kind of happened. 

But I'm seeing someone else. 

I started a new blog, and we've kinda been spending a lot of time together. 

I know, I know...you were there for me when no other blogs were. And, yes, our relationship sort of allowed me to open me up and experiment with different blogs. 

In truth, we have been drifting apart for quite some time now. I think you were in a bit of denial about this. But we have been seeing less and less of each other. 

The time we did spend together, especially in the beginning, was sincerely special to me. I mean it. I'll never forget it. You were a lifeline...at a time that I really needed one. But it's time for me to move on. 

Shhhh. Shhhh. It's OK. Now...wait...no. Please don't cry. 

We can still see each other. I don't know if I will even be able to fully commit to just one blog. Our relationship will just be....different. 

This is still the place where I can be more unfiltered. More myself in ways. You bring that out in me. How special is that? 

Fuck. See? I mostly like will not be swearing on my new blog. 

Also, I can still talk to you more candidly about my divorce, being a single father, etc. Things I can't do on my new site. 

No, you can't meet this new blog. Sorry. For us to work, I have to keep you both separate to occupy different parts of my life. That way, you both fulfill an important niche for me. 

I know, I am coming across as just me, me, me. But that's what our relationship has been. Let's be fair though; I did put a lot of myself into you as well. I have supported you too. I created you.

Sure. Fine. We created each other. (But I created you first.)

I'll leave you with time to think about...us. If you still want there to be an us. I do. 

************************

My impending divorce is going well. Thanks for asking. 

We hashed out the very last legal details. Custody, assets, debt, etc. It was a little hard, and it got pretty intense and emotional at times. But also oddly healing in a way. We finally addressed some things about our relationship that helped me to get more of a sense of closure. 

We also kept the courts out of it, which was something we both wanted. For our boys. We could be legally divorced within a month. The finality of that is both a relief and, well, sad. A bit scary even. 

I hope you will be open to talking to me about it. 

I have to go now though. I'll be leaving to pick up my boys soon, and I still need to get the house in order. 

Take care.

Sincerely, 

Jim

Depressive Introspection

Contrary to what this blog may reveal, I have been blogging a lot...kinda (more on this some other time).

It's been a very sort of introspective time for me. Work is fine. Kinda. Working hard at the single parenting thing and being a better dad in general. I have made some strides there.

But, mentally, I have been in what I can only describe as a pretty bad rut. And so, instead of writing and posting new blog posts, I have have been hiding away in my little corner of the world and doing a lot of nothing and major self-introspection at the same time.

And thinking. Maybe too much of that. Well, unorganized thinking anyways. Writing can and has been a way to organize my thoughts. Without it, I go round and round in mental loop pattern "re-digesting" the same shit over and over.

It's been agonizing and, dare I say it, depressing. Yes, I have felt depressed lately.

Even with this blog I have created this sort of persona, and I fear revealing that I have been going through something. Something unnameable and shitty. Why have I been so reluctant to write about it...write about anything, really.

Here goes:

I have just felt pretty stuck in life right now. And my boys have become my one thing that gives me meaning. And that is a great thing, but also terrible. First of all, it's an unfair burden on them. Second, it's not enough for me. I need other people in my life to communicate with...and outside of the work place. I can not even remember the last time I had fun. I mean, I have fun with my boys all the time. They can drive me crazy, but they can also be hilarious and just a blast.

But I always have to be a parent with them. You never get to turn that off. I haven't had fun with another non-adult in a really long time. Now THAT is a depressing thought.

Fuck.

I'll end on that happy note. 

Forts, Flashlights, and Sick Days

Long time, no post.

I'm home with my boys today. One has a cold, so we are taking a sick day :)

A key to sick days with twin sons, now four years old, is a well made fort. The human male child simply cannot resist the all encompassing allure of THE FORT. Even if they do call it a tent.

Flash lights are optional but highly recommended. 

Time to Make Time Work for Me

Already a week into 2014, and this is, finally, my first blog post of the new year.

I feel I have so much to say that I don't know what to say or where to start.

My break was busy, but I did get some much needed rest. It was also great to visit with family. Also much needed.

I plan to move to more sort of essay-posts with more focused, general themes. I will, of course, continue with usual free-from, stream of consciousness posts, as well as posts about blogging and my blog development in general.

I am also developing a new blog using a pseudonym, which I will not reveal. Another sort of blog experiment. The new site will mostly entail essays and stories, both fiction and non-fiction.

The trick, again, is time. I have been working on a way to make better use of my time as a single parent. Make the situation work for me. The trial run for last semester is over. No more being one step behind...all the time.

Time to make my time work for me...not against me.

Getting Back on the Writing Wagon: Day 1

I have really fallen off the writing wagon. And it sucks. But the semester is over, a new year is starting, and it is time to re-assess just about everything, but especially my first semester as a single parent of twins.

It was successful in a lot of ways: chief among them in that I did it. It was a work in progress and learn as you go process. Much harder than I anticipated when the semester started. Much more exhausting.

But it didn't feel like a success, at all. I know I should myself more credit, cut myself some slack.

I do, however, have a LOT of room for improvement, and it starts with better planning. Building off my shortcomings provides me with a lot of feedback on what changes I need to make.

One of my biggest pitfalls was my increasingly dwindling time for self-care. And as I had less time for that, it became less of a priority, which resulting in even less self-care time. It hand this snowball effect that put me further and further in the hole and took a tremendous mental and physical toll.

If I am going to do this, I need to keep self-time and self-care a priority--which again will entail better planning and continual assessment and re-assessment.

I plan to dive into the details more thoroughly and come up with a pretty specific plan for a variety of things.

 But I also wanted to get back into writing something.

Without writing, I become increasingly discombobulated. And I even know this. It has to be a regular thing. A daily practice. The whole idea of the Life Line was in recognition of the central role writing plays in my life and making sure I carve out space and time to allow me to do that.

But this commitment, like the others, will also require planning.

This is the formal start of the process.

State of the Blog: Week 21: Forks in the Road--Spoons and Really Sharp Knives Too

I did some private journal writing today. I haven't done that in a while. It felt good to return to that.

This semester is winding down. It was a tough one for me: my first as a single dad. The balancing act was tough to manage. Obviously. But I learned a lot, and I will be so much more prepared when the spring semester comes.

Looking forward to it, actually.

Looking forward to the time off more. Time to reflect on what worked and what hasn't. Make a plan and goals, based on the successes and shortcomings of this semester.

I am trying to re-frame it as a positive thing. That helps to some degree. But the reality is it often does not feel positive. But I suppose I need to give myself more credit than I am.

Make adjustments and move on. Basically, a lot of the same things I preach to my students.

I'm a hypocrite, I guess. But it also drives home the importance of that message of being honest with yourself and self-reflecting in order to implement more productive changes. It's not something that you do once, and it is over with. It's a continual process. A practice even.

Minimal writing this week. Again. But that's OK.

I still feel like I'm in a transitional state of flux. I have some decisions to make. Big ones. They feel too big, so I feel frozen into inaction at times.

At the same time, I am doing a lot of research to help inform my decisions. But that can be a procrastination tactic as well. At some point, I have to stop research, and use all that information to make a decision.

And soon.

I think I'm pretty sure what I will do. Time to start creating and implementing steps toward these new goals.

State of the Blog: Week 20: Accepting Every Part of Myself...It's a Start

I'm not sure why I felt the need to spout out the rant about how we all suck on Thanksgiving Day.
Feeling sorry for myself, maybe? I felt a little bitter after. But that fleeting emotion is past now. I had considered taking the post down. But I decided against it.

It's as relevant as any other blog...as any other part of who I am. I don't let that persona out often.

Sick. And tired. Yet again.

Never enough time. I may take a nap before I leave to pick up my boys.

Also, been tweeting more often. Kinda like it. Check them out sometime: https://twitter.com/JimConstatine

Worked on my story some too. Felt good.

No time for a detailed analysis today. Plus a nap is calling my name.




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