Depressive Introspection
Contrary to what this blog may reveal, I have been blogging a lot...kinda (more on this some other time).
It's been a very sort of introspective time for me. Work is fine. Kinda. Working hard at the single parenting thing and being a better dad in general. I have made some strides there.
But, mentally, I have been in what I can only describe as a pretty bad rut. And so, instead of writing and posting new blog posts, I have have been hiding away in my little corner of the world and doing a lot of nothing and major self-introspection at the same time.
And thinking. Maybe too much of that. Well, unorganized thinking anyways. Writing can and has been a way to organize my thoughts. Without it, I go round and round in mental loop pattern "re-digesting" the same shit over and over.
It's been agonizing and, dare I say it, depressing. Yes, I have felt depressed lately.
Even with this blog I have created this sort of persona, and I fear revealing that I have been going through something. Something unnameable and shitty. Why have I been so reluctant to write about it...write about anything, really.
Here goes:
I have just felt pretty stuck in life right now. And my boys have become my one thing that gives me meaning. And that is a great thing, but also terrible. First of all, it's an unfair burden on them. Second, it's not enough for me. I need other people in my life to communicate with...and outside of the work place. I can not even remember the last time I had fun. I mean, I have fun with my boys all the time. They can drive me crazy, but they can also be hilarious and just a blast.
But I always have to be a parent with them. You never get to turn that off. I haven't had fun with another non-adult in a really long time. Now THAT is a depressing thought.
Fuck.
I'll end on that happy note.
It's been a very sort of introspective time for me. Work is fine. Kinda. Working hard at the single parenting thing and being a better dad in general. I have made some strides there.
But, mentally, I have been in what I can only describe as a pretty bad rut. And so, instead of writing and posting new blog posts, I have have been hiding away in my little corner of the world and doing a lot of nothing and major self-introspection at the same time.
And thinking. Maybe too much of that. Well, unorganized thinking anyways. Writing can and has been a way to organize my thoughts. Without it, I go round and round in mental loop pattern "re-digesting" the same shit over and over.
It's been agonizing and, dare I say it, depressing. Yes, I have felt depressed lately.
Even with this blog I have created this sort of persona, and I fear revealing that I have been going through something. Something unnameable and shitty. Why have I been so reluctant to write about it...write about anything, really.
Here goes:
I have just felt pretty stuck in life right now. And my boys have become my one thing that gives me meaning. And that is a great thing, but also terrible. First of all, it's an unfair burden on them. Second, it's not enough for me. I need other people in my life to communicate with...and outside of the work place. I can not even remember the last time I had fun. I mean, I have fun with my boys all the time. They can drive me crazy, but they can also be hilarious and just a blast.
But I always have to be a parent with them. You never get to turn that off. I haven't had fun with another non-adult in a really long time. Now THAT is a depressing thought.
Fuck.
I'll end on that happy note.
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