The Inevitable Crash at the End of the Tunnel

Do you how when you are just going and working and doing and no down time or break for so long and you are just doing it and going and going and you are tired but motivated and just keep going because there is so much to do and if you don't get it done, there really is no one else who can.....

....and then, finally, you get a bit a a respite, a day off when you can do some things, but decide to chill for once...

...and of course, your body, perhaps strategically, chooses that day to smack you down with a whopper of a cold...

...well that was basically my Christmas...

...sick as a dog, so the saying goes...where does that saying come from?

It was pretty intense. I don't remember being that sick in a long time. But I'm feeling a good deal better today and will be heading off to see the doctor to get drugs. DRUUUGGGS!

But first, I wanted to write a little this morning. Possibly may last Life Line post of the year, and the Life Line saw a bit of a renascence this year, and some big, but good, life transitions and opportunities that kept being put in my path. And I took them all on.

And it was a hugely successful year in that regard. My most successful perhaps, that I plan to continue building on.

I am moving closer to closing on my home (man, that process is a crazy on), and I found a person to rent my home out to. I was pretty worried about finding anyone, but the response was overwhelming. I should have list a higher monthly rent, Live and learn.

But now I am also thinking, after I build more equity, investing in rental properties might be a thing I may want to do.

And perhaps set up a sweet retirement source of income.

Something on my radar at least.

But first things first.

Things to do today. Christmas is net yet over...I kinda didn't get one, and my boys and I have some fun plans in stores (it was my ex's turn to have to boys on Christmas). Oddly, I wasn't depressed about it like I was the first time I didn't get to spend Christmas with my boys the first time a couple years back.

I missed them, of course, But this is now just the new norm, and the time I was with my ex and our family was together is become a distant memory (in the not so distant past).

It's a much healthier mental state to be in. Those first months, that first year and a half or so...that was rough on multiple levels.

And yet, it also led to some of the success I have been working up to. Not entirely sure I would have had the same success if I was still married. That may be totally unfair to my ex, but...there is truth there. Perhaps for both of us.

And yet...I still hang on to slivers of hope of our family coming back together.

Romantic fool.

Ugh. I get pretty tied pretty quickly. And sweat a lot. Gross, I know. Hopeful that is my body working to get this cold out of my system.

Don't worry, body, I will be sending some help down my gullet soon enough.

Oh, and coffee...so good this morning.

Yesterday, no coffee. You know you're sick when you don't crave coffee. That was perhaps the biggest indicator that this would be something I could shake off and power through.

But the black goodness is with me once again. And it was blissful.

Bliss.

Hmmm...I used to be very big on the notion of following your bliss. But my life has gone in some unexpected directions. Maybe I was too fixated on a path that was not really my bliss.

What, then, really is my bliss? What do I really want?

Writing is always somewhere in there. I would like to get back into writing, as I keep saying. Perhaps this year i will finally get to do so.

Perhaps.

Cycle of Ever-Expanding Projects and To-Dos; and Reconciliation Fantasies

Alright, I feel things are starting to come together, once again (life seems to be a series of expanding projects and obligations that snowball into an overwhelming kaleidoscope of tasks that become jumbled and unmanageable, but then, eventually--through planning, diligence, and hard work--stop expending and start coming under control, allowing for a short period of respite, only to begin anew as new shit, both self-imposed and externally demanded, continues to accumulate).

I'm still overwhelmed, but I am at at point where I am feeling things are more in control. For now, anyway.

I move closer and closer to the closing date on my new home. I had some pretty crazy hurdles there to deal with, and the deal was, at one point, in danger of falling apart. But it seems things are now pretty solid moving forward. But, of course, there is still work to do there.

Renting out my house: waaay easier than I had thought. The demand has been overwhelming. The process has been time consuming, but I am in a position where I have several people I feel comfortable with who are ready to sign a lease today (if I needed it). But, I need a firm loan approval commitment from the bank on my new house before I sign a lease, which complicates things a bit.

So very excited about this new home for my boys. It will be a great home for them to grow up in. Our current, smaller house has served us well. And, oddly, in my remaining time in my current home, which I have never been all too happy with, I had a moment this morning as I was standing in the living room and drinking coffee, that I would actually miss this crap-hole. I feel an odd loyalty to places i have lived. As if the houses our beings in their own right. This house has become us. We have developed a nice routine, and my boys are thriving. It is the first house I have owned. It will always be that. It has kept us safe in harsh weather. Last winter was particularly nasty. And we had a very real tornado scare not too long ago. I will never forget that. We camped out in our basement, played games, and watched shows on my computer. It kept us safe.

My boys have grown so much in the time we've spend here.

But we need something bigger and better, and I like the idea of having someone else pay the mortgage of for me, and even making a little profit from it, which I can apply toward my new mortgage payment.

Weird to think I will be a landlord, About time I am referred to as Lord. I may go by that all the time. (Joking.)

But seriously, this are is such an extreme renters market, I may by more property to rent out. It's a great side-business, as my realtor once told me. And could be my ticket to a comfortable retirement.

And who knows--I may come back to this smaller home and retire here. It's a nice, quite neighborhood, with a community of older residents.

I think about other things. Will I ever find love again? I have been so focused on my work and my boys. I have had no time for that. That time when I had love it my life is becoming a distant memory.

Yet, I do want someone to share my life with, eventually. Someone to adore and adore me back and tell me I am doing well and right by my family and the ones I love.

But I also don't feel ready to...compromise my life yet for someone else. I like the independence of running my life how I see fit and not having to consider anyone else, except my boys of course (and in practice, I do have to consider my ex in a lot of things I do and decisions I make...but it is of a very different nature than committing to someone romantically). I also don't know if I trust myself with love. And I can't afford big relationship mistakes anymore. I am just recovering from the, emotionally and financially, from the separation/divorce. She's moved on and sees people, I know. But I am me.

I guess I tend to cling to the past too much. I still have fantasies of getting back together. A total reenactment of my childhood, where I was always hopefully my mom and dad would get back together. I know my boys experience that same wish and always will on some level. That is one things my ex, who did not come from a broken home, will ever truly understand.

But I have this day dream that she will see my new home and, I don't know, what to bring our family back together under one room and realize the emotional and financial benefit to our boys.

Total pipe dream. She is someone else now...in ways very different from the persona she presented to me when we were married, while simultaneously also being the same person. We still have a camaraderie and inside jokes that surface sometime. Our relationship is a lot better. We have worked on that for our boys. But there is always a tension there. I don't know if that will ever fully disappear.

No word from that skype interview a coupe Fridays ago. Probably not a good sign. I will call to follow up this week.

There is another position closer to my home I have come across. I will look into that as well.

Well, I need to dive into grading...and get that done!

Managing Many High Stress Projects, Professional and Personal...and Loving It

Just finished a BIG report for work yesterday. My first as the program director. Been planning and prepping for it for months. There was a lot involved. Lots of late nights recently, lots of stress (normal-ish), and a lot of setting clear limits and prioritizing, since many people need my attention, input, approval, etc., for a variety of things.

I am very fortunate for the help I received in completing the reports. It entailed a lot of data to sift through, clean up, organize, etc. I could not have done it (not even come close) without their help. Thank you!

It was a pretty stressful week in general. A lot of high stress situation happening at the same time. The report was one, which I had to prioritize. But that was one among many.

The holiday season brings stress.

But another BIG one....I am buying a new house. Ahhhh! :)

Excited about it and stressed at the same time. We are in the closing process stage now, with a closing date set for sometime in early January. My second home. An upgrade...more space for my boys, as they are getting older and bigger and need more room. And I just love the house in general.

So that with a busy holiday season...and my crazy family...and financial planning stuff to make it all happen...stress.

Add to that I also have to rent out my current home and somewhat quickly, The next most important thing on my to do list.

I ALSO (and this will come across as extremely crazy) applied and had an interview to yet another position. Very similar to what I do now but much, much close to my home. A lot of things attractive about it, and I could not not apply. Had a short Skype interview for that yesterday (on busy due date for my report). But I squeezed it in and felt it went OK. They seemed extremely interested. We will see if they call me back for a face to face.

I love what I do now, so if I do get offered the position, I will have to consider the offer carefully. I guess that is a good position to be in.

I also have to finish grading for my online class. Ugh.

There's more, but I won't continue to bore you with the details. I have been knocking each things out, and moving closer to feeling...more in control.

Things are well. I finished that report, it's Saturday morning, I am doing some writing, and enjoying a cup of coffee in my home.