I AM the One Metaphor: Pre-Interview Prep Motivation

It still gets to me...this feeling of what I can only describe as some kind of depressive state when my boys are with their mother. I am not unhappy they are with their mother. I promote it and think it very important for them to spend time with her. But selfishly, I miss my little knuckleheads terribly. I miss not being able to be there for every milestone. Their grandma got them their first big boy bikes yesterday, and it made me sad. I find out from posted Facebook pictures. They were so happy to ride their new bikes, and that of course makes me happy. And I am grateful they have a such a wonderful grandmother who does so many things for them. I just...wish I could have been there...been a part of that experience.

And then there is an odd flip side...I also need to time off. To get my house in order, to work on my second, part-time job (teaching online classes), and, as an introvert, to re-charge, write, etc. Time to myself is a big thing for me. But I miss my boys.

And sometimes I still miss my ex, as ridiculous and pathetic as that is. For her, our marriage was a "lie," or whatever. But it was my reality. I miss who I thought we were, and mourn the loss of the person I thought was my life partner and best friend, as well as having a "whole" family. As a child of divorce myself, I always secretly fantasized my parents would get back together. Now that fantasy has sort of been resurrected. I want my family back.

But the reality is different. Even if she were to beg forgiveness and express a desire to get back together, I don't know if I could do that. Too much said and done, Too much damage and trust lost. But I probably would...for my boys. But it would be extremely...awkward,

And as more time pass, as this new reality becomes the norm, that time when we were a "whole" family feels more...abstract.

I don't know...I just miss my boys. And now we me be diving back into custody conflict issues. Issues that had been legally settled. It is making it hard for me to focus on this interview on Saturday.

I actually did a good deal yesterday to get ready, But I feel time is getting short, and I am now feeling that nervousness I mentioned yesterday.

Time to jump back and get back to the prepping.,,and also somehow prep my online class for the week.

Time. Never enough, and it goes by too fast.

I need to work on my mental state and get out of this funk. Time to start being also and channel my inner Neo. That clip always pumps me up for interviews,

For me, it represents self-mastery, self-confidence, and the realization that I am the One...that all I already have and know all I need to meet challenges...I just need to believe it...or better..to know it.