New Job = Impostor Syndrome, Continual GTD/EN Refinement, and Leaning Team Project Management Skills

Mmmm...coffee and writing. Really, I need to find a way to make writing more of an everyday practice for me. I just...love it. But it also takes time and is work. But it is such a great thinking, organizing tool...and a way to clean out the mental gutter...free up mental RAM...and other metaphorical connections that I am not able to make right now (feel free to add your own).

One my mind...my new job and some of the massive responsibilities that now come with it. I feel intimidated. Worried I'll fuck it up. For all the criticizing I have done to my supervisors...now I am the go to person. All eye on me. And there are areas of I need to gain knowledge and skills for very quickly. It admittedly feels a bit overwhelming right now. But this is a pretty big life transition. I should treat it as such. I will not be allowed as much of a learning curve as I would in a more subordinate role...but I will be allowed a curve. But I have to project my competence at all times.

I do have experiences..I can attach unknowns to things I do know. I'm not going in totally blind...or I would have never qualifies for the job or been hired. They believe it me. I believe in myself.  Or else I did. The infamous impostor syndrome has been beating hard on my door. You fooled them, tricked them into thinking you are more qualified than you are. You marketed your skills and abilities well. Exaggerated them even, Wait until they find out the truth about you!

Leadership roles are a different beast. I have been in them before. None this significant or large since the Navy...and I did well. I liked the extra challenge even. But I have to succeed. I want to move to the next step, whatever that may be. I have to focus...and spend my time much more wisely, while also being loose, flexible, and present.

Remember to be you, genuine, not some notion of what I think a leader should be. That is the killer. Be me. I actually found a really awesome TED Talk video about the power and difficulty of allowing yourself to be...yourself. I like that kind of stuff.

I do need to make plans for the week and my first meeting with my new team this week. First impressions, and all that.

What do I want to say to them when I meet with them? I will make some kind of plan and expected outcome, Make it a project, even. Done...created a project, and now I can start brainstorming and organizing.

I feel...fortunate that during the end of 2014 and the first few months of 2015 I really buckled down on fine tuning a productivity system for myself, mostly centered around Getting Thins Done and Evernote. I played with Todosit for a while as well, but I went back to Evernote...I don't like having to check multiple tools...if I can do as much as possible with one tool...great. That is the power of Evernote (EN). But also why it can be so intimidated. It's customizability is awesome and a strenghts...but the wide-openness and lack of an inherent organizing stricture can be daunting. You have to like playing around with that sort of thing. I committed hard to GTD at the start of the year. It has been a continual tweaking process, and I learned the system and found the tools and process with the system that would work best for me. I am still figuring it out, but I have come a long way, and it has really helped me to juggle several really important project fairly recently. So I have moved beyond simple completion of tasks (although I still do that too)--and I have graduated to building contextual task from projects I am working. A really power tool that really helped...especially balancing personal and professional obligations.

Next is a more in depth project analysis, in terms of developing outcomes and values to guide actions. That will especially be important in my new role as director of student success. It also brings me back to the importance of writing and how writing will help me to be more successful. And i have this advantage in that I am good at writing, love it, and have always used it to clarify my thoughts and goals. This will be more structured and less free form, but, really, that is a good thing.

In my productivity system, I still have yet to implement a good weekly review system. That will be another key. But I keep moving closer.

I also need to expand to team project management...have started to do some research on that. I'm also playing with implementing some kind of GTD system with my team...and even the use of EN.

Leadership and Writing, Recommitting to Writing, State of the Divorce Summits, and Two Year Blog Anniversary

Jeez, sometimes the day goes by fast.

I have some time to write this morning, so write I shall. Day 2 or the new path in my career. Nothing has really changed because I haven't started yet and don't know the details of how getting started will happen. But mentally, internally, everything feels new, different, and exciting.

I love the opportunity to head up a program with a team of awesome people.

But this also sort of entails a re-evaluation of my life goals. This will take more thought and time than I plan to spend on this single blog post. But a recommitment to this blog and--yet again--to my writing HAS to be part of the equation.

I love writing, whether is will ever earn me more income or not. It's just a part of who I am, and when I let it slip...I start to slip. The seems seem to slowly unravel, and I don't notice until there is a giant tear that needs urgent attention and emergency repair. Then I write...and I remember how much I need to write...only to let it fall away again. The process has repeated for, what...twenty years now? I was young when I discovered how much I loved writing and how powerful a tool is it for me. And that I am somewhat good at it.

I have gotten jobs due to the power of my writing. And that's great too. And I would love to write something someday that people want to read and spend money on. That would be really cool. But that is not why I write, The title of the blog just sort of popped into my head, herky jerky. But it really does encapsulate why I write. It is my life line. It supports me, through the good and bad times. I suspect--know really--it is the same for so many others. of course there are a LOT of people who hate writing. Working in higher ed., this revelation is a no-brainer. But at one point it really was a revelation for me. How could everyone not love something that is clearly an amazing tool.

But we are all wired differently. But a part of me also feels given the right kind of instruction that disregards the critical factor, a lot more people would also see the power and utility in writing. That's why I saddened and perplexed cursive writing is no longer being taught. I think that's a huge mistake. Some of my best thinking and brainstorming has come from thinking on the page. And the speed cursive allows is crucial to that process...or else my writing would not be able to catch up with my thoughts, and I would loose some of those thoughts and the effectiveness of writing as a way to think through complex issues, to bring the disparate parts of my life together into what at least feels like...narrative coherence. OK, that is an overly academic-jargony phrase, but it is the best phrase to describe it I can think of right now.

So...I still have a good deal of work do do here at home...both work work and house work (I'm still learning how to be a home-owner...and I've also been putting feelers out for a home upgrade--never meant for this to be THE house...just a foot in the door to build equity, credit, and buy something better for my boys and me).

Some other interesting tidbits...I met with my ex last night for a couple drinks to talk about our boys and what I can only describe as a "state of our divorce" summit. Like the first one we had a couple months ago or so, it was a really good talk, and a really great practice for divorce parents with kids. We even had a good time I would say. The first one was heavily emotional...but necessary. We needed to clean out the gutters, so to speak, to better open up communication and start to trust each other again. This second one had some emotional moments as well. Still a lot of hurt there for both of us...but it is really good we can have these talks. I feel so good about them. When it comes down to it, we get along and dare I say we like each other...as people. We respect each other. The danger for me, anyway, is getting to wrapped up in that. I was reminded why we fell in love, as we talked about our boys, our loves, so many things...even laughed some. That is dangerous territory. But I do want us to cultivate a healthy divorce relationship for our boys, Be friends even...if possible. I would like to do things together as a family. I think that step will still take time though...if it is ever even possible.

And finally, I have realized the TWO year anniversary for the Life Line has come and gone. Wow. I remember when I first started this blog. Two years already. That went by fast. But a lot has happened and changes in that time. Good things too. Here's to many more!

My blog producitity has greatly decreased. But I did kinds decide to quit...but I changed my mind, I guess. So until I decide to quite again...Viva la Life Line!

Holy Crap...I Got the Job!

I thought my interview kinda sucked, but I'm told I'm an excellent interviewer; so I was hoping even a sucky interview would come across as...good, coupled with the excellent work and reputation I've been building.

It wasn't a bad interview...just not good. And I was extremely worried I blew it...whereas if I did well, I felt the job was mine, hands down.

But only mere days after the interview, I heard the news: I fucking got it!

Shit, shit, shit, fuck, shit...yes!

So I am extremely excited and happy to be taking this next step in my career...but also starting to become a little nervous as the reality of new responsibilities creep in. I will be running a program very crucial to the success of the college. I like the challenge, want the challenge, and feel confident I will do well. But it is all on me, and not to admit that is intimidating is, really, a failure on my part.

But...wow. Too bad I have a lot of work to catch up on for the online course I teach this weekend. Would be great to just chill and bask in all the work I put into getting this position. So much I have been doing for years,  been working to build up to...and really sort of rebuild my life after a couple really hard life blows and set backs. I am getting back on track. I feel proud of where I am for the first time in a very, VERY long time.

Sadly and pathetically, I have no one to really celebrate my news with. Family, yes, of course. They are proud and supportive, happy for me, yadda yadda. And I am grateful for that. But I haven't really made much progress in establishing strong friendships here in this town. Been here almost a year now (8/16 I think will be the year mark). But it is true what they say about the difficulty for adults making friends in a new town. Very easy as a college student. And while I do want friends...and a girl in my life...that has not been my priority and focus. I mean, I go out with people on occasion. I have work friends...long distance, old school friends. But my priority since the move has been my job and my boys...and that has paid off. I am establishing relationships that can blossom into something...more. But I am not an extrovert or socialite. My job is very socially orientated, and as an introvert, while I love helping people, that kind of work can be very draining for me, and I need down time, alone time, to recharge.

So I should give my self a break. I take it back...it is not pathetic. It is just where my life is now...socially. Focus on the fucking good news. I practically hugged my boss.

So what's next? Not sure. I need to start making some plans, quickly. I will have a team I am responsible for now, and I want to start off right and set a positive tone and foundation for our new work group build off of.

All good things, There will be obstacles, and problems, and stressors, and even set backs. But that is part of the game.

I have to say, and this is kind of weird to say, I am very proud of myself. The seperation and then divorce was very hard on so many levels. But I persevered through it...and eve excelled professionally through it during some personally dark times....depressing even. Very lonely. My family is far. I have had to rebuild a whole support group for my boys and me. And I did, and I am.

This is just the beginning. But we keep moving...we keep moving.

Interviews...Interviews Everywhere!

My big promotion, next big step in my career interview (no pressure or anything) is today...mere hours away. I do like taking time, while I can, to write a little before an interview and collect my thoughts. I'm a little nervous, but I still have time to cultivate my inner Neo.

I went back and read a few of my previous pre-interview posts, and a couple things came to mind as i read. 1) I have interviewed a lot, and 2) I've actually posted some pretty good interview advice.

One bit of my own wisdom I really liked--so much I am about to quote myself--was about allowing the interview to be fun and to turn it into a conversation, rather than an interrogation:

"Why not have fun? Maintain professionalism, of course, but enjoy the experience. This transmits confidence, competence, and a passion for what you are doing. The hiring committee is hiring a colleague...someone they will be spending a lot of time with. They want to hire someone who they will enjoy working with...someone who will contribute to a positive and fun working environment."

And also:

"...allowing the interview to become a conversation instead of an interrogation. They best interviews I've been involved with, on both sides of the interview table, have been the ones where people start to relax and talk with, not to or at, the interviewee."

I also talked about believing in my own awesomeness. I like the general notion of skewing reality in my favor because, who else will if not me?

And then my final bit of advice to myself is about...being myself:

"In the end I will present myself as myself. I will know I am good at what I do. They will either feel who I am fits their social environment and what they are looking for in a candidate...or they will not."

So I dipped into past wisdom, and now I am at a point where I would I feel I need to add to that wisdom. This one is from the book The Charisma Myth. Good stuff. I fully believe I've had successful interviews that have resulted in job offers due to the information in that book. I have listened to it via audiobook several times.

This particular kernel of wisdom from the book is about fully believing that you are perfect in how you are now. All your mistakes and areas of weaknesses are...perfect. You are forgiven for everything that your inner self-critic keeps beating you down about. Every past sin is forgiven, and you are completely perfect and whole in this moment.

Or something like that. I kinda hacked it, but I love the idea--and I will listen to that mantra again as part of my prep process.

And in that same Zen-like spirit, I would like to share an important guided mediation video with you. So sit back, close you eyes, and let all that fucking bullshit fade away.

I AM the One Metaphor: Pre-Interview Prep Motivation

It still gets to me...this feeling of what I can only describe as some kind of depressive state when my boys are with their mother. I am not unhappy they are with their mother. I promote it and think it very important for them to spend time with her. But selfishly, I miss my little knuckleheads terribly. I miss not being able to be there for every milestone. Their grandma got them their first big boy bikes yesterday, and it made me sad. I find out from posted Facebook pictures. They were so happy to ride their new bikes, and that of course makes me happy. And I am grateful they have a such a wonderful grandmother who does so many things for them. I just...wish I could have been there...been a part of that experience.

And then there is an odd flip side...I also need to time off. To get my house in order, to work on my second, part-time job (teaching online classes), and, as an introvert, to re-charge, write, etc. Time to myself is a big thing for me. But I miss my boys.

And sometimes I still miss my ex, as ridiculous and pathetic as that is. For her, our marriage was a "lie," or whatever. But it was my reality. I miss who I thought we were, and mourn the loss of the person I thought was my life partner and best friend, as well as having a "whole" family. As a child of divorce myself, I always secretly fantasized my parents would get back together. Now that fantasy has sort of been resurrected. I want my family back.

But the reality is different. Even if she were to beg forgiveness and express a desire to get back together, I don't know if I could do that. Too much said and done, Too much damage and trust lost. But I probably would...for my boys. But it would be extremely...awkward,

And as more time pass, as this new reality becomes the norm, that time when we were a "whole" family feels more...abstract.

I don't know...I just miss my boys. And now we me be diving back into custody conflict issues. Issues that had been legally settled. It is making it hard for me to focus on this interview on Saturday.

I actually did a good deal yesterday to get ready, But I feel time is getting short, and I am now feeling that nervousness I mentioned yesterday.

Time to jump back and get back to the prepping.,,and also somehow prep my online class for the week.

Time. Never enough, and it goes by too fast.

I need to work on my mental state and get out of this funk. Time to start being also and channel my inner Neo. That clip always pumps me up for interviews,

For me, it represents self-mastery, self-confidence, and the realization that I am the One...that all I already have and know all I need to meet challenges...I just need to believe it...or better..to know it.

Cultivating Genuineness, Upcoming Interview (yet again), and a Random Political Rant About Vacations

Got back from our vacation earlier in the week. It was such a fantastic experience for my boys, and I had a great AND relaxing time. First vacation in I don't even know how long. I definitely feel re-energized. I now better understand the value of vacation time and actually using vacation time for...vacations (as a single parent of twins, I often have to use vacation time to cover my kids sick days). It's a shame there is a movement underway to undermine that, to eliminate vacation time for the working class and sort or re-frame time off as yet another example of the lazy, mooching, socialist class. What assholes. Self-serving bullshit. Fuck them and their aristocrat overlords.

End semi-political rant.

My interview has finally been scheduled! Early this week! Spending the weekend prepping. Excited and nervous, but mostly excited right now. I'm sure the nervousness will kick in more later. But I have become a pretty good interviewer. I just have to re-tap into those skills I haven't used for about a year, as well as the mindset. I'm getting there. Been working up to it since I applied. Now I am going to ramp it up. Besides practice and rehearsing responses, one of the best things to do on an interview is to be...yourself. And to believe in yourself. Tailor your interview to your audience, of course, just like an argument (and an interview really is an argument you're crafting to convince others why you are the best fit for the position), but you also have to be you...that draws people in more, in a lot of ways, that what you actually say. The committee will either like me and feel I am a good fit or they won't. That I cannot control. So you have to focus on the things you can control and let go and even forget about the rest.

Sounds easy, but it's not. It's a skill to hone and cultivate.

Developing my strengths and "weaknesses", other general responses, and whatnot I plan to discuss now. Ultimately, I feel pretty confident I will get the position. But that is a danger too. I don't want to be overly confident, and I don't want to slack on preparation. So I am working to stay mindful of that as well.

Mind Kipple, Promotions, and Road Trips

I have fallen off the writing horse again, and I wanted to start a new month, and the midway point of the year, getting back on. And there is something about posting mind kipple on a blog that makes it more...real...in a sense.

Not much time to write, but devoting a little is better than none, and I want to get back to committing to doing so on a daily basis.

Lots if things going on right now.

Yest ANOTHER interview on the horizon. But this time at my current place of employment. A promotion, Director of Something or Other, Important Higher Education Stuff (*note; not the actual title of the position). I don't mean to underplay it. It's an amazing opportunity and excellent fit for my growing expertise, skills, and experiences...that could lead to bigger next steps.

I'm told by multiple sources, including those in positions of power, that I am a top--perhaps THE top--candidate.

I have not yet been called in for an interview, much less been offered the position. But the buzz is I should be getting that call soon, Looks like early next week. Excited and nervous, all the usual pre-interview emotions. Meanwhile, life goes on,

In other big news, I am leaving for a vacation today. I don't even remember that last time I went on a vacation, other than to take vacation days for holidays, which is not the same thing at all. My boys and I are driving to the Florida area. My mom retired down there with her hubsnad, and they have a place close to the beach.

My boys are super excited. But it will be a looooong road trip. By far the longest for them. But I put a lot of thought at planning into making it a fun experience for them as well.

Lots of last minute things still to do before I go, so time to stop wasting time blogging,

But I wrote today! That always feels good.