Forgiveness and Rethinking This Blog

I just wrote and then lost a lengthy post, and I don't feel like trying to recreate it.

A big theme was forgiveness...I have to forgive my ex in order to move on and break out of this funk.

Also, I have not blogged in a while...and I don't really care.

The one year anniversary of the Life Line is coming up. I may end it completely or take it in a whole new direction.

My Cat Won't STFU. Seriously, Cat, STFU!

How's that for a catchy blog post title. But it's also true. I can not get my cat to STFU.

And as great as it is to be able to socially acceptably swear via text-speak acronyms, my cat's incessant meowing RATFOOM (Really Annoys The...you can figure out the rest).

So what to do, other than write a blog post about it? Why is my cat meowing, kinda sounds like cat crying actually, and how to I get him to stop.

Research to the rescue. And I will pass my savings...my finding on to you, dear reader of blogs.

But first, symptoms and context.

My cat was not always to annoying little shit he is today. I didn't always used to fantasize about physically abusing him or have day dreams of leaving him at the nearest shelter (preferably no kill, but I'm good either way). I'm also too chicken shit to get rid of him. My sons might miss him. I'm also a bit a sentimental retard. Whoops, not supposed to say retard anymore. I've had the cat a while. My ex entrusted him to me. We got him together from a shelter when we were dating...before we married, before the kids, and before the divorce. And the annoying cat was pretty much our babies before we had babies. Nevermind that his role now is that of a money leaching eat, crap, and puke machine and there is zero ROI. I'm banking on his death in a few years or so. And I will not give in to my boys demands for a puppy. Already they are pining for a damn puppy. No effing way is that going to happen. Please god, give me the strength to resist their frowny faces, puts, and temper tantrums. I'm so weak. I'm totally going to have a puppy some day, aren't I. But I am ABSOLUTELY waiting until they are old enough to take care of the dogs themselves. Then they can also take it with them to college...or wherever they go. Hopefully college and then medical school. And in this fantasy, they go through college and med school together as best friends and continually recite to others how they owe it all to their loving, supportive, yet firm father, who taught them responsibility and discipline by getting them a puppy when they were younger.

For now, though, the cat.

Returning From My Self-imposed, Post-Divorce Social Exile

Father's day is coming up, and my boys can't stop talking about our planned zoo trip this weekend to celebrate. Maybe I shouldn't have told them so soon.

They also miss their mother and their grandfather (my ex's dad), who they call Papa. He has been sick. They are pretty close to their Papa and love him a lot. They will see him this weekend too. I'm glad for them.

We have a bed time routine. I did not fully comprehend how important and meaningful it is to them. I skipped on the bedtime prayer for one of my boys. Unintentionally of course. He let me know and how much he wanted... needed...to hear the comforting words. It warmed my heart. I love and rely on our bedtime routine too.

I am also stepping into a larger social world of parenting. It's good for my boys... and me.

In ways,  I shut down socially after the separation. I was able to sort of hide behind the shame and grief of divorce. I was also able to hide behind my boys. I could focus solely on them and my work.

But they are more social creatures now. They need me to guide them through the intricacies of being part of a community. And I have sulked long enough.

Moto X Blogger

My first blog post from my Moto X. 

In ways it's better than my tablet. All the same features, really. And everything is beautifully synced via Google. The tablet is basically bigger and has more storage capacity. My phone, however, is more...practical? 

I do use my tablet for a few essential work functions, which has really enhanced my productivity, so it is well, WELL worth it. When not at work, the tablet seems to have found a niche as a toddler gaming and education console...thereby greatly enhancing its...worh-it-ness.

The phone though...I want to write love songs about it.

That probably comes across as...odd? Stop judging me!

Tom and Jerry, Home Depot, and My New Moto X

My boys are back home, watching old school Tom and Jerry cartoons (the newer ones are not nearly as good), and playing with what they like to call my iPad (*note: it is actually a Google Nexus 7, which, in my opinion, is better than the over-priced/overhyped sweatshop manufactured Apple product).

So...I have a little time to get some cleaning done and write a quick blog post (I have been slacking the past couple days).

Not sure what activities we'll be up to today, but we had fun building things at the Home Depot Kid Workshop yesterday. Next week for Father's Day I'm thinking the Zoo (fathers get free admission, and the ticket price for children is almost ridiculously inexpensive). I'd also like to take them to see the new How to Train Your Dragon movie, if I can fit that in.

Speaking of Google/Android products, my new Moto X phone came in this week. I now pay $22 per month for unlimited everything cell service from Republic Wireless. Why anyone would choose a more expensive provider is beyond me. Kinda like how the Moto X is just as good if not better than the iPhone, yet people prefer their overpriced/overhyped sweatshop manufactured crap.

In any case, the Moto X is just awesome. LOVE IT. Pretty huge upgrade from my old, crappy Motorola DXT.

Well...the natives seem to be getting restless (by "natives," I mean crazy four your old twins...FYI). Little mouths to feed...and all that.

Interview Bowl 2: Mental Exhaustion...Introvert Overload

I have to admit to myself at least...those interviews were mentally draining...from all the prep work to the actual meetings with directors, committees, Deans, etc., etc.

I just feel...tired...like I could sleep for a week. But...no. Work tomorrow. I know I should not complain about having to work. I am grateful to have a job that pays a somewhat adequate salary (although the benefits for my boys and me go a long way)...really and truly I am. I would just...like to not have to work tomorrow.

Plus, I am doing recruitment stuff, so I will have to talk to large groups of potential students for hours. Can't hide away in my office and work on less...social projects. I am social-ed the fuck out. It's an introvert thing.

But, I thought today went really well. I did not feel people with significant hiring influence disliked me. In some ways, I almost felt as if they were courting me. That's a nice change.

There are of course parts I reply in my head and scrutinize and ruminate about different and better ways I could have responded and interacted with the committee. I interpret and reinterpret non-verbal messages.

It's all kinda useless at this point, except whereas it may help me in future high pressure social situations, including interviews.

If I had to guess, I would say I will be offered the position. I should know in a couple weeks or so. Seems like a long time...and it is.

In the meantime...more jobs to apply to. And figuring out how to afford moving.

Today's interview was actually only a short-ish commute, so I could commute for a while (if I got the position), not rush into finding a new place, and save up a little money for the move. It also seems they promote from within, which I like.

Again...no idea of the salary. I looked up salaries for the position in that area...I though it was pretty promising.

In any case...commence the waiting game.

Interview Bowl: One Down, One To Go

The first interview came and went.

I thought it went pretty decently...with the minor exception that I kinda have a feeling the director of the program doesn't really like me. Not that I thought she disliked me...she just didn't necessarily like me.

I'm not really sure why. We just did not connect. Not a good sign.

It was a nice place, and a nice little town.

I thought my presentation went well...not great...well. I spent a looong time prepping for it. Much longer than I had planned.

And I barely slept last night. Not the best pre-interview prep policy, but that's what happened.

I had some good talks with people and, I feel, I conveyed my expertise well.

So I will either be a good fit for the program, and they will offer me the position...or I won't, and they will not.

Part of me really dreads the thought of moving, of starting over...yet again. I won't even go into how I have no idea how to afford a move. But I will figure that out when/if the time comes

Plans...need plans...which I will get to later. Not tonight. But sometime soon.

For now, I am just exhausted, so, naturally, I can't seem to fall asleep.

At least I don't have to worry about a presentation for the next interview.

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Blog Post Typo Tally: 2

Interview Prep: Cultivating My Inner "Neo"

The first big interview is tomorrow, and I am starting to feel pretty nervous. It's the one with the presentation too. I will be devoting my day to preparing for it.

I think the first step is to chill...and to believe in my inherent awesomeness. That can be a slippery slope, but I fully believe in the utility of knowing you are good at what you do...without coming across as cocky.

That self-belief has a positive effect on others' perception of you, so why not choose to believe you're good, even if you're unsure? "Faking it" can even generate actual belief, which can even affect your actual competence in positive ways, and vice versa.

In my case, I really do believe I'm good. But I can second guess myself...and even third fourth and fifth guess...to the point where I start to question my abilities. This self-doubt creeps into my behaviors and body language, which people do pick up on, unconsciously and otherwise.

So I will be great tomorrow.

And I will be me. That is another important part of believing in your awesomeness...allowing yourself to be you, not some awesomeness ideal you think you aught to be. Being genuine in that regard, being authentic, is another key that can win people over.

One final key I think is important is allowing yourself to have fun and enjoy the process. Why not have fun? Maintain professionalism, of course, but enjoy the experience. This transmits confidence, competence, and a passion for what you are doing. The hiring committee is hiring a colleague...someone they will be spending a lot of time with. They want to hire someone who they will enjoy working with...someone who will contribute to a positive and fun working environment.

Actually, there is yet another thing I think is important: allowing the interview to become a conversation instead of an interrogation. They best interviews I've been involved with, on both sides of the interview table, have been the ones where people start to relax and talk with, not to or at, the interviewee.

In the end I will present myself as myself. I will know I am good at what I do. They will either feel who I am fits their social environment and what they are looking for in a candidate...or they will not. The latter I can not control...the former I can and will.

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Blog Post Typo Tally: 3

Separation and Divorce: Year One: A Brief Look Back

My boys and I moved out of the home we shared with my then wife one year ago today. It was a pretty scary and stressful time.

We actually had not vacated our new house on the 1st. The moving truck was loaded, except for a few things I planned to load first thing the next morning.

I wanted my boys to feel happy and safe during that last night in our "old" home, and I wanted them to wake up to their familiar things in the morning.

They have grown and changed so much since then. A year is a long time for four-year-olds. They were three when we moved, not too far removed from two...still babies in a lot of ways. They are now undeniably little boys.

So much of my fear and stressed revolved around them (and still does, really). I am grateful my Mom and step father were in town to help take care of them while I packed up the house. God knows my ex didn't help with shit...the boys, the house, all our stuff (including a lot of her stuff), cleaning the house, everything...she left for me to do.

She moved out the prior month and was able to leisurely move her things into her new place while I watched our boys.

I still resent it, I guess.

I think...and I have said this before so who knows...my ex and I get along better now. Although she is more of a financial wreck than ever it seems, while my financial situation has greatly improved in only a year. It really drives home how much I allowed her to screw up my finances. I am responsible too, of course. But it sucked that she sucks with money. It still makes things pretty difficult, in regards to her paying her share of our boys' expenses. I sincerely hope she becomes more financially stable. For the boys' sake...and for mine. She is a volatile person, and the financial instability leaves her open to "acting out" more readily. Yes, admittedly (and horribly), there is a certain satisfactory "see what happens" aspect to my relatively more financially stable position. But I would much rather her be more secure. It is not fair to the boys especially. And my financial well-being is still connected to hers, including childcare expenses and a car loan that is still in both our names (hopefully for not much longer).

But anyway, on June first last year, after breakfast with my boys, a little cartoon watching, and morning playtime, I packed up my remaining stuff and left that house for the last time.

I had an extremely limited amount of time to drive to my then new place, unload it all, and set up as much as possible. Again, I wanted my boys to feel safe. I wanted them to be surrounded by their familiar things in an unfamiliar environment.

I remember one of my boys was very visibly afraid when I first carried him into our new home that evening. He wash shaking a little...until he saw our couch and his toys waiting for him. The couch in particular seemed to be very significant for them.

The couch is getting old and some of the seams are starting to tear. But it's a great couch, and it says "home" to my boys. I can sew the seams.

The couch has been good to us. So has this "new" house.

Thanks house.

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Blog Post Typo Tally: 14