Dear Life Line: It's Not You, It's Me

I feel terrible. It just kind of happened. 

But I'm seeing someone else. 

I started a new blog, and we've kinda been spending a lot of time together. 

I know, I know...you were there for me when no other blogs were. And, yes, our relationship sort of allowed me to open me up and experiment with different blogs. 

In truth, we have been drifting apart for quite some time now. I think you were in a bit of denial about this. But we have been seeing less and less of each other. 

The time we did spend together, especially in the beginning, was sincerely special to me. I mean it. I'll never forget it. You were a lifeline...at a time that I really needed one. But it's time for me to move on. 

Shhhh. Shhhh. It's OK. Now...wait...no. Please don't cry. 

We can still see each other. I don't know if I will even be able to fully commit to just one blog. Our relationship will just be....different. 

This is still the place where I can be more unfiltered. More myself in ways. You bring that out in me. How special is that? 

Fuck. See? I mostly like will not be swearing on my new blog. 

Also, I can still talk to you more candidly about my divorce, being a single father, etc. Things I can't do on my new site. 

No, you can't meet this new blog. Sorry. For us to work, I have to keep you both separate to occupy different parts of my life. That way, you both fulfill an important niche for me. 

I know, I am coming across as just me, me, me. But that's what our relationship has been. Let's be fair though; I did put a lot of myself into you as well. I have supported you too. I created you.

Sure. Fine. We created each other. (But I created you first.)

I'll leave you with time to think about...us. If you still want there to be an us. I do. 

************************

My impending divorce is going well. Thanks for asking. 

We hashed out the very last legal details. Custody, assets, debt, etc. It was a little hard, and it got pretty intense and emotional at times. But also oddly healing in a way. We finally addressed some things about our relationship that helped me to get more of a sense of closure. 

We also kept the courts out of it, which was something we both wanted. For our boys. We could be legally divorced within a month. The finality of that is both a relief and, well, sad. A bit scary even. 

I hope you will be open to talking to me about it. 

I have to go now though. I'll be leaving to pick up my boys soon, and I still need to get the house in order. 

Take care.

Sincerely, 

Jim

Depressive Introspection

Contrary to what this blog may reveal, I have been blogging a lot...kinda (more on this some other time).

It's been a very sort of introspective time for me. Work is fine. Kinda. Working hard at the single parenting thing and being a better dad in general. I have made some strides there.

But, mentally, I have been in what I can only describe as a pretty bad rut. And so, instead of writing and posting new blog posts, I have have been hiding away in my little corner of the world and doing a lot of nothing and major self-introspection at the same time.

And thinking. Maybe too much of that. Well, unorganized thinking anyways. Writing can and has been a way to organize my thoughts. Without it, I go round and round in mental loop pattern "re-digesting" the same shit over and over.

It's been agonizing and, dare I say it, depressing. Yes, I have felt depressed lately.

Even with this blog I have created this sort of persona, and I fear revealing that I have been going through something. Something unnameable and shitty. Why have I been so reluctant to write about it...write about anything, really.

Here goes:

I have just felt pretty stuck in life right now. And my boys have become my one thing that gives me meaning. And that is a great thing, but also terrible. First of all, it's an unfair burden on them. Second, it's not enough for me. I need other people in my life to communicate with...and outside of the work place. I can not even remember the last time I had fun. I mean, I have fun with my boys all the time. They can drive me crazy, but they can also be hilarious and just a blast.

But I always have to be a parent with them. You never get to turn that off. I haven't had fun with another non-adult in a really long time. Now THAT is a depressing thought.

Fuck.

I'll end on that happy note. 

Forts, Flashlights, and Sick Days

Long time, no post.

I'm home with my boys today. One has a cold, so we are taking a sick day :)

A key to sick days with twin sons, now four years old, is a well made fort. The human male child simply cannot resist the all encompassing allure of THE FORT. Even if they do call it a tent.

Flash lights are optional but highly recommended. 

Time to Make Time Work for Me

Already a week into 2014, and this is, finally, my first blog post of the new year.

I feel I have so much to say that I don't know what to say or where to start.

My break was busy, but I did get some much needed rest. It was also great to visit with family. Also much needed.

I plan to move to more sort of essay-posts with more focused, general themes. I will, of course, continue with usual free-from, stream of consciousness posts, as well as posts about blogging and my blog development in general.

I am also developing a new blog using a pseudonym, which I will not reveal. Another sort of blog experiment. The new site will mostly entail essays and stories, both fiction and non-fiction.

The trick, again, is time. I have been working on a way to make better use of my time as a single parent. Make the situation work for me. The trial run for last semester is over. No more being one step behind...all the time.

Time to make my time work for me...not against me.