So Many Life Transitions in a Short Amount of Time...and Dune

 So so much has changed since my last post. My girlfriend and I did end up breaking up. She dumped me about a month after my last post. That was fucking rough as shit. I love her (not past tense) deeply. We had a lot of hard conversations. Skip ahead several months, and we are at a new place now with things--we are calling it good friends. Which we are. I think we just really care about and love each other, but we don't know how to deal with the long distance. Especially when a hard situation comes up, like it did. But we are hanging out again. We have even made out...and more.

We are intentionally not really exploring what it means. I think we both agree that might best for now. And I am just truly grateful to spend time with her when we can. We'll see how this develops.

I also got a new job and quit my old job. I came to fucking hate--I mean HATE--my prior job. But so far I really love my new job and the institution. A really nice and more reputable small, liberal rats college.

Did I ever mention I am working on a PhD now? In Higher Education Administration. Been eyeing this program a long time. A good time with my boys getting older and more independent. Almost 12! Second year in the program.

And, big reveal, I have Asperger's. Recently officially diagnosed. Technically ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder).

I meditate every day now. Been loving the practice. I run just about every day. Two miles. I've picked up moderate lifting again (I used to lift a lot when I was younger--much younger).

There has just been a ton of changes going on for me, and I feel better about things and about myself than I have in a long time. 

And I have been thinking about getting back into writing and blogging. So here I am. Hope to make it a regular thing again. 

Final side note: saw the new Dune move with a new buddy last night at an IMAX theater. (Been working on making new frienda as well...making some headway there.) One of my all-time favorite stories. The movie was so very good. Been thinking about it all day. Go see it! 

A Break, Another Life Transition

We're officially on a break, effective today. I have been with the most wonderful woman since 2016. 

It's my fault. 

Things were going well prior to this...unexpected crisis, but the ongoing struggles of a long distance relationship can be very hard. Especially as you fall more deeply in love and strongly feel you should be spending your life with this person. But circumstances continue to keep you apart.

I screwed up. I lied. 

Sit on that for a moment.

I don't know if the break will become a break up. I think no one really ever knows that. A break obviously is not a sign things are great. But I made a selfish mistake. Not an infidelity. Not getting into specifics. But that's what happened. And it's been a stressful week for us as we've tried to processes this together.

I am hopeful the break will allow us to come back together. Maybe stronger than ever. But it may just be prelude to something more permanent.

Either way, I have to live with my mistake. My shitty behavior. A lie can be a small thing. But it grows so fast. And you lie more to cover up the lie. 

I do not feel very good about myself. Truth is I have not felt so good for a while. I haven't been able to understand why. But this whole thing has helped me...forced me, really...to really get under the hood and look at what's been banging around in there. Sometimes you really want to ignore that loud banging. Hope it will just stop. I wondered if a COVID thing. But I don't think that's it either. Probably several things that have converged and come to a head. 

And this relationship crisis really pushed it into full gear. I am considering therapy for myself, along with other serious self-work. 

I don't know exactly what a break means. I think it can mean different things to different couples. Are we even still a couple? In a way. I guess. You can't be on a break if there isn't a thing there to break from. Right?

I will really miss her and struggle with this loss. I will work to not pester her. To give her the space she is asking for.

And I will really dive into what the hell is going on for me. Maybe the Life Line can be a tool to help me look at that.

I have a new tablet, so busting out a quick blog post might be easier than ever.

I am also interested in talking about new developments with my productivity systems. That kind of thing goes well with self work. 

So...a new life transition. And all that comes with that. 

Happy Valentine's Day. Happy 2021. 

Why I Write: Another Bullshit Essay on this Tired Topic

Just finished class. The second semester of my second Ph.D. program. No, I am not going for two PhDs. I never finished the first. What a fucking loser. But I don't feel like a loser. Most of the time. 

But this post isn't an exploration into my perceived loser status. Your mileage may vary. It's about writing, assholes (for those who lean loser). 

This second doctoral attempt is both challenging my writing output and rekindling my writing passion. In unexpected ways. 

I've had to completely reconceptualize what writing means to me. Not by choice. And not an intentional endeavor. 

So what the fuck does writing mean to me? 

To be continued...