That Awkward Blog Post Where You Aimlessly Rant About Life
So I have not been writing. At all. Except a few scraps here on this blog during the weekend.
There are factors involved here. But I have felt un-motivated. And worn the fuck out. I know, weak. Lame. But this semester—my first as a single dad—has taken a real physical toll. I'm exhausted all the time. And I just don't know what to say anymore. I feel like my writing sucks. And I have like no social life to speak of.
Advice to married people the world over: have separate but overlapping social circles. (Apply that same philosophy to your finances.)
Motivation has been an issue. I think it's going so non-stop all the time. The pace is not sustainable. I need a plan that makes this all more...sustainable. After my wife (yes, we're still married) picks up the boys for the weekend, I want to sleep for approximately two months, which has messed with my weekend productivity.
I am starting to build up some kind of social life again. So that's good.
And I would like a romantic partner. But I have no idea how to even go about that. And how will I even fit that into my life? And who would this woman be? I don't even know. I used to have a certain type that I considered...my type?
But I feel I don't have a type any more.
Someone nice would be nice. This person would also have to love my boys and be OK with them being the primary thing in my life. That's it. Sure, some other stuff too. But everything else is somewhat negotiable. Attraction? Yeah, that has to be there. All the no-shit stuff, like compatibility, values...values is actually a big one. Possibly where I did not explore enough or admit to myself fully with my lesbian, almost ex-wife.
I'm just in a weird in-between place right now. I thought I was getting over it. But more accurately, I have just sort of progressed to a new phase of in-between-ness. A shitty one. Not as shitty as prior phases...but more shitty than the previous phase. If that makes sense.
I'm sick of being in a state of transition. But maybe the transition is the thing. Maybe there is always transition and stability is just an unattainable myth that drives us through the endless cycles of transition. Very Buddhist, in a way. But I don't feel cool with that.
I am just complaining. And I really want to stop doing that and just move on.
Holy shit, this is the rant of all rants.
Work. Always a step behind. Tired just thinking about it all. I need a big fat break. Big and fat.
And I am considering a few new paths. Possibly pursuing a PhD. But I question my motivation and if it will help my career, if I have the necessary passion to devote to it, and if the extra loan debt is worth it.
I. Just. Don't. Know.
Even the Life Line has felt intimidating.
I need a new thing. I want a new drug. The Life Line served that purpose for a while. But so much has changed since I started this. But it helps, in it's own stupid way.
There are factors involved here. But I have felt un-motivated. And worn the fuck out. I know, weak. Lame. But this semester—my first as a single dad—has taken a real physical toll. I'm exhausted all the time. And I just don't know what to say anymore. I feel like my writing sucks. And I have like no social life to speak of.
Advice to married people the world over: have separate but overlapping social circles. (Apply that same philosophy to your finances.)
Motivation has been an issue. I think it's going so non-stop all the time. The pace is not sustainable. I need a plan that makes this all more...sustainable. After my wife (yes, we're still married) picks up the boys for the weekend, I want to sleep for approximately two months, which has messed with my weekend productivity.
I am starting to build up some kind of social life again. So that's good.
And I would like a romantic partner. But I have no idea how to even go about that. And how will I even fit that into my life? And who would this woman be? I don't even know. I used to have a certain type that I considered...my type?
But I feel I don't have a type any more.
Someone nice would be nice. This person would also have to love my boys and be OK with them being the primary thing in my life. That's it. Sure, some other stuff too. But everything else is somewhat negotiable. Attraction? Yeah, that has to be there. All the no-shit stuff, like compatibility, values...values is actually a big one. Possibly where I did not explore enough or admit to myself fully with my lesbian, almost ex-wife.
I'm just in a weird in-between place right now. I thought I was getting over it. But more accurately, I have just sort of progressed to a new phase of in-between-ness. A shitty one. Not as shitty as prior phases...but more shitty than the previous phase. If that makes sense.
I'm sick of being in a state of transition. But maybe the transition is the thing. Maybe there is always transition and stability is just an unattainable myth that drives us through the endless cycles of transition. Very Buddhist, in a way. But I don't feel cool with that.
I am just complaining. And I really want to stop doing that and just move on.
Holy shit, this is the rant of all rants.
Work. Always a step behind. Tired just thinking about it all. I need a big fat break. Big and fat.
And I am considering a few new paths. Possibly pursuing a PhD. But I question my motivation and if it will help my career, if I have the necessary passion to devote to it, and if the extra loan debt is worth it.
I. Just. Don't. Know.
Even the Life Line has felt intimidating.
I need a new thing. I want a new drug. The Life Line served that purpose for a while. But so much has changed since I started this. But it helps, in it's own stupid way.
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