You Suck...FYI: A Special Thanksgiving Message

Happy fucking Thanksgiving.
Yes, this is my blog post for today. Wishing you a happy fucking Thanksgiving.
It was decent yesterday. My first as a single parent (although I'm technically still married...a weird thought). My boys are sick again though. Poor little men.
But they were having a fun time, until they started feeling sick.
We got the tree up. My mom and step-dad are in town and helped a lot, despite my mother's phobia of sick toddler germs.
It dawned on me that my wife and I never did a tree (except for last year, which kinda doesn't count since she had a foot and most of her head out the door by then, unbeknownst to stupid me).
But isn't that odd we never had a tree up to that point? Together for ten years, married for eight. And I love Christmas trees.
The things I do for love.
People really suck sometime. And, yes, I include myself among those people. No one wants to admit they suck. But we all do. You, reader, suck.
That's what I'm thankful for today.
I hear about good things good people do, and I realize I kinda suck.
But good people suck too. So fuck you, and fuck us all.
And fuck me.
Not enough swearing in my life these days. And I love swearing. Openly swearing often was by far the best thing about serving in the military. That and the honesty of being able to tell someone they sucked...if, in fact, they did suck.
So continue stuffing your fat asses today, America.
And be thankful for how much we fucking suck.

State of the Blog: Week 19: Reassessment

I feel a little rested up after this weekend. I'll be leaving to pick up the boys soon. And it will will be a short week due to Thanksgiving (thank, Zeus!). And my Mom and Step-dad are coming to town to celebrate with us (both dreading and looking forward to that).

A lot of work left before the end of the semester, but an end is in sight. That will be a good time for a self-evaluation on how this semester went, changes I would like to make, and new directions/goals to work toward. The Life Line, which has recorded some of my thoughts and happenings since the summer, will be be a good tool to help with that.

It did feel good to write yesterday. But as I mentioned, I do feel I am in a bit of a crossroads. Something new on the horizon is coming. I have several ideas, but until I commit to a path, I am in a state of mental limbo. I have no tether, no foundation. Except my boys.

All is focused on my boys. And that is good. But I need something more for me. Which is not selfish. Rather, something for me will help me to better be there for my boys.

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My NaNoWriMo effort this time around has been a big fail. I haven't written fiction in what feels like forever, and I have been doubting my ability to write in general. I have pondering the notion that writing is a stupid dream I should give up. But could I give it up?

If I am honest with myself, the answer is no. It is my passion. Has been as long as I have been old enough to consider what my passion is. I need to commit to it. Or rather, re-commit to it...yet again. I need these continual reminders to myself. 

My biggest obstacle has been me. I need to make choices that better allow me to devote my efforts to my writing and my ideas. And I have a lot. 

Yesterday I mentioned I am considering pursing a Ph.D. But I don't think I can do both a Ph.D. and commit to writing. That is something that has sort of frozen me.

Or maybe I can somehow mix the two?

In any case, the indecision period is coming to a head. 

A new path is coming through either action or inaction. I would prefer it to be through action. That is the most I can commit to right now. 

That Awkward Blog Post Where You Aimlessly Rant About Life

So I have not been writing. At all. Except a few scraps here on this blog during the weekend.

There are factors involved here. But I have felt un-motivated. And worn the fuck out. I know, weak. Lame. But this semester—my first as a single dad—has taken a real physical toll. I'm exhausted all the time. And I just don't know what to say anymore. I feel like my writing sucks. And I have like no social life to speak of.

Advice to married people the world over: have separate but overlapping social circles. (Apply that same philosophy to your finances.)

Motivation has been an issue. I think it's going so non-stop all the time. The pace is not sustainable. I need a plan that makes this all more...sustainable. After my wife (yes, we're still married) picks up the boys for the weekend, I want to sleep for approximately two months, which has messed with my weekend productivity.

I am starting to build up some kind of social life again. So that's good.

And I would like a romantic partner. But I have no idea how to even go about that. And how will I even fit that into my life? And who would this woman be? I don't even know. I used to have a certain type that I considered...my type?

But I feel I don't have a type any more.

Someone nice would be nice. This person would also have to love my boys and be OK with them being the primary thing in my life. That's it. Sure, some other stuff too. But everything else is somewhat negotiable. Attraction? Yeah, that has to be there. All the no-shit stuff, like compatibility, values...values is actually a big one. Possibly where I did not explore enough or admit to myself fully with my lesbian, almost ex-wife.

I'm just in a weird in-between place right now. I thought I was getting over it. But more accurately, I have just sort of progressed to a new phase of in-between-ness. A shitty one. Not as shitty as prior phases...but more shitty than the previous phase. If that makes sense.

I'm sick of being in a state of transition. But maybe the transition is the thing. Maybe there is always transition and stability is just an unattainable myth that drives us through the endless cycles of transition. Very Buddhist, in a way. But I don't feel cool with that.

I am just complaining. And I really want to stop doing that and just move on.

Holy shit, this is the rant of all rants.

Work. Always a step behind. Tired just thinking about it all. I need a big fat break. Big and fat.

And I am considering a few new paths. Possibly pursuing a PhD. But I question my motivation and if it will help my career, if I have the necessary passion to devote to it, and if the extra loan debt is worth it.

I. Just. Don't. Know.

Even the Life Line has felt intimidating.

I need a new thing. I want a new drug. The Life Line served that purpose for a while. But so much has changed since I started this. But it helps, in it's own stupid way.

State of the Blog: Week 18: Fallen Off the Radar

Not much time to write this day, this week. 

Sucks.

There is no real state of my blog this week. My writing have fallen off the radar...for now. 

I hope to get back to it more by next weekend. 

State of the Blog: Week 17: It's ALIVE!!!!

My NaNo story still lives, but barely. It started off well, but then, of course, my work and taking care of my boys all week took up most of my time and energy.

Work has also picked up again, as we approach the end of the semester. I almost wish NaNo month was in December. I will have a good month—including two weeks off—where I won't be working directly with students every day. I am both looking forward to the break and wary of it. So much to do in the remaining time left. I almost wish the semester was longer. Almost.

But I think my story also has lacked direction. This is a typical issue for me. Strong start, cool ideas, but no follow through. I just do not know where to go next. I think also writing daily is necessary to keep the story fresh. A lot of this is preparation related. I had intended to be more prepared before November. But things just did not develop that way. Or rather, I did not create the time to prepare in a way that will allow me to complete my novel in a month.

I did create the start of an outline yesterday, and I did find that extremely helpful. It's a decent story I intend to follow through with, whether I make the 50K in November or not.

I also have been playing around with a new, more "serious" blog idea. I even starting writing a sort of "mission statement" for the blog and the start of the first post. It will be more intentional and with a clear focus...not just my general ramblings about various things (like this blog).

That being said, I do enjoy this little blog, despite how infrequent my posts have become. And I am glad to have some time to write and drink coffee on a Sunday morning.

So...the Bogeyman Journals may have faltered, but it is....ALIVE!

State of the Blog: Week 16: Fully Functional and Operational Blog

Witness the writing power of my fully functional and operational....blog!! Mwahahahaha!

Ahem....

I finally managed to delete all the pictures and embedded videos after The Big Freak Out (waaay back in September). I can link to whatever I want, I think. But I can't upload content willy-nilly (not to be confused with Milli Vanilli...hehe).

Better to just not deal with the hassle and get to the writing.

I also added a link to my NaNo profile in the bar at the top of my blog (just below the title).

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Despite the irregularity of my blogging in October, I still managed 15 posts. A post every other day. Not too bad. I am hoping to get back to daily posts.

My NaNo writing output has been...decent. I am a little off target. But still well within range to finish. I like the stats function, which allows me to better analyze my output in order to make adjustments and stay on track.

I started using Scrivener to help organize my chapters, ideas, etc. I have 19 free trial days left, which means I will have to buy it before the month is up. It's an excellent tool, so a good investment.

My story is too cerebral so far. Not enough description and dialogue. But I don't want to get bogged down in edits at this point. Better to just get it all out for now and revise to include more of that stuff later (after November).

But I have noticed I am paying more attention to what people say (and how), as well my surroundings in general--and how I might describe them. That's a pretty cool thing in itself. Writing increases awareness and mindfulness. Obvious observation, perhaps. But is if often the obvious, the things right in front of our faces, that can be the easiest to dismiss and ignore.

Begun The Bogeyman Journals Have: My NaNoWriMo Working Title

Behold! The working title for my NaNoWriMo book. 

And a crappy little cover to boot. I made it from a fun little site: Recite This. It is supposed to be for quotes, but I decided to use it for my "book cover." Mostly to make the novel writing process feel more....real?

I have written a good deal more today than yesterday (1197), and there is still a lot of day left. 

But I do also have to fit in work...and cleaning the house and grocery shopping before I get my crazies, I mean sons, back tomorrow. 

Sleeping in today = fucking amazing. I may even take a nap later...because I can. 

Halloween was a success, thanks to a little help from a good friend. Thanks, good friend. I really wanted it to be special for my boys. Mission accomplished. But it was a super-exhausting week. 

This month, I am hoping to post short, daily notes on my NaNo progress. 

Getting closer to 50k. One day, one word, one letter at a time. 

November 1st: I'm a WriMo?

So, I managed to at least start. It started an autobiographical piece, but it morphed into a sort of fictionalized autiobio with an element of horror.

A modest start. But it's a start. 337 words this morning.