State of the Blog: Week 11: Recommitment

Coming soon to a blog post near you.

Writing and Childhood Friends

Writing is starting to feel like an old friend I knew as well as myself...but after years of separation, we still have a bond but don't really know each other any more...we're not even sure we still like each other.

The Slacker-Writer

I have really been slacking on these blog posts. Increasingly so, it seems. The process is starting to feel alien to me...and like chore I no longer look forward to. I am so tired of being tired all the time. And of the mini-arguments with my almost ex-wife. The constant pace of the week with no help or respite is getting to me. Holy shit, can I complain more? OK. Something positive: my little boy is safe, healthy, and fell asleep in my arms.

State of the Blog: Week 10: Burnout Week

I am way behind on my posts this week. I barely wrote or posted any.

Been so busy with work and my boys and this damn cold that would not go away even AFTER a round of anitbiotics.

I think some rest this weekend is finally killing it. I hope it doesn't come back after another long week. I think things should start to stabilize at work now.

I am also cutting myself some slack. I have been doing a pretty good job of implementing a new habit of writing daily. A few set backs are not too surprising. But I have been making good progress.

Clearly I have not had a chance to get to the blog overhaul I will have to do that I discussed earlier in the week. But I will get there.

I may not have as much time next weekend as well. But I should be caught up or at least almost caught up at work.

I also found a new, promising job I plan to apply to.

Obviously I didn't get the job I recently applied to. In ways I am relieved. This newest job may be the best one for my family.

The Good, The Bad, and The Really Really Bad

My boys fell asleep early. Yes. And I don't have to get up early to catch up on work. Yes. I finished my antibiotics, and I am pretty sure I still have a sinus and ear infection. Fuck. Looking forward to a long night of rest. Yes. Thinking the rest will allow my body to heal and let the drugs finish their work. Yes. Paranoid I won't be able to sleep thinking about a lot of stupid shit. Nooooooo!

Blog Overhaul Project...and the Search for Positive

First blog post, post-blog overhaul. I won't be able to get to the overhaul until the weekend. I have to admit, I will miss looking for and including pics and embedded videos. But a positive is that looking for those things are a waste of time. And I can use that time to write more--step up my preparation for NaNoWriMo. Been working on being more positive. It's all too easy to become embittered and angry at the world during this...transition period. But I can choose to be positive instead. It sounds hokey, but it is actually serious stuff that can have a tremendous effect your emotional, intellectual, and physical well-being.

A Little Freaked Out: Will Need to Overhaul My Blog

So. Now that I have been blogging for a while, I have growing concerns about the pics I have been using and the videos I have embedded.

I have probably been breaking laws, and I don't want to be sued.

I need to look further into this stuff.

But basically, I just want to write. I don't really care about the pics and videos, so the easiest solution will be to just take them down and just keep the text.

That may take a little time though. So all the blogs I've written exist, I will just need to make some edits.

Good times.

State of the Blog: Week 9: Blog Fail Week

I'm fucking tired today. I could go right back to sleep right fucking now. I'm considering it very seriously. The cold has improved some. A great deal actually. I slept pretty hard most of the day yesterday. The antibiotics, a Z Pack, took hold pretty quick.

As I had guessed, it is a sinus infection. I hadn't predicted the ear infection though. But when the doctor asked me if I had been dizzy, I realized, yeah, I have been. Man, I was running on fumes for a while.

But I refueled pretty good yesterday. Ate a LOT of food (I do that when I get sick), sat on my couch, watched TV (my new thing is Lost, thank you, again, Netflix), and slept. That's like my lifetime ideal. Thank you sinus and ear infections...kinda.

A little worried about all the work I had planned to get done this weekend. But I always get it done...somehow. And I have to get the house in order for the boys and for the sitter. I have to go into work tonight for a couple hours too. Blech. On the other hand, the pretty sitter is coming over. What? I can think girls who are too young for me are pretty, right? Man, getting older sucks. I would totally have hit on her when I was younger. But just wrong and inappropriate now. And plus, I really do need her to watch my boys on occasion. And she is really good and dependable.

Great! Now, I feel like creepy, approaching middle-age guy.

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The blog has suffered this week. In retrospect, not too surprising. I was pretty tired all week. I could barely stay awake one day at work. And my job is to basically talk with people all day, so I had to really work to keep focused and not nod off as my students and work colleagues rambled on.

Three days out of the week I did not publish a post. That's almost half the week. As I pointed out before, on two of those days (the 9th and 10th), I actually did write posts. I just didn't publish them. On the 13th, when the cold really hit, I didn't even make an attempt.

I do like to post something for the days I missed. Not to make up for them. But as I mentioned before, as place holders and sort of records for the "history" of this blog.

So kind of a blog fail this week. That makes a total of four days I have not posted a blog so far. I'm sure there will be more.

And now back to convincing myself I'm not sick anymore.

How to Motivate Yourself to Get Off Your Ass When You Feel Like Shit: Predator Self-Talk

Woke up in pretty bad shape today. The cold started to come on stronger last night. Was hoping to sleep it off. No such luck. No fever...yet. Just week, tired, congested, achy, etc. And I was so damn cold. Shivering hard. I could barely hold my cup to drink some water. It was pretty intense.

I forced myself off the couch—which I passed out on the night before—to drug up a little more, so I could hopefully feel a little better and get some more sleep in. It seemed to help some.

But after I feel back asleep—this time in my bed—I did not want to get up.

Ever.

I sort of pep-talked myself into getting out of bed: "Come on, Jim; you can do this."

Somehow, a scene from Predator popped into my head. The one where the character Mac Elliot is pep-talking himself into hunting the Predator (Mac seems to be going a little crazy at this point in the film...not sure what that says about me).

Mac repeated over and over: "I'm gonna have me some fun...I'm gonna have me some fun...I'm gonna have me some fun..."

So far, I'm not feeling the "fun." But I got out of bed.

Thinking I have a sinus infection, which means I need to go to prompt care to get some antibiotics. I fucking hate prompt care. But I get my boys back tomorrow, and if I don't take care of this pronto, I will never be able to keep up with them.

Can't help but think I pushed myself too far and didn't prioritize self-care during these past few weeks as I should have (in addition to the germ-infested day care and all the students I interacted with at work...some of who were sick and coughing during our meetings....gross. I frantically scrubbed down everything they touched in my office with antibacterial wipes after they left.).

Maybe it was inevitable. I haven't been this sick in a long time. And I tend to rebound pretty quickly (and with that statement, I'm sure I just jinxed myself).

Missed Blog Post: 9/13/13: I'm Feeling Much Better Now

This is another blog post that doesn't really exist. What you are reading now is a wish-fulfilling figment of your imagination.

You wanted to read my daily post for September 13th, but there was none; so your mind has created this fiction you think you're reading now.

It's quite sad, really.

But you know why I didn't post. I've been getting more sick. And trying to convince myself that I am feeling much better now.

But I wasn't very persuasive.

The Cold That Would Not Die

It lulled me into believing my barrage of over-the-counters was working. It waited patiently for me to let down my guard. Sneaky bastard. I blame the boys' day care (and the college I work at).

I have visions of anthropomorphisized bacteria and viruses frolicking around in pure viral/bacterial ecstasy, bathing on the skin and in the ever present snot of the children.

Divorce: A Rebound-Practice Catalyst

I didn't write a blog post the past two days.

Or rather, I did write one on both days. I just didn't post them.

They felt...off. Not consistent with this newer blog persona I have been developing. The felt needy even. And I've been trying to figure out why.

I usually have no problems letting the words flow. But that can pose problems. It's a fine way to approach a private journal, but not always suitable for a public blog.

The first I wrote but did not post was about my wife. I know, shocking. But what I wrote felt too...exposed.

The second was sort of reflection piece about the first. But I didn't know what to say. And I was tired.

I strive to be honest with myself and the blog posts I write. But I learned there is limit to how honest I am willing to be...or rather, how much about myself I am willing to reveal.

This is not a static thing. I may feel more comfortable disclosing the more personal stuff in the future. Or less.

The gist of what I wrote but didn't post boils down to me still working to make sense of my new life. I'm getting there, but I am not as "there" as I thought. I can still easily regress.

The good news is I am able to rebound much more quickly now.

At least I think that's good news.

Missing Blog Post: 9/10/13: You're Welcome

Noony noony noo.....

I didn't publish what I wrote this day either. The second of three this week (9th, 10th, and 13th).

But I wrote it...at least part of it. Then I fell asleep.

It was such a boring post, I literally, in the literal sense, fell asleep as I was writing it. So I was really doing you a favor by not posting it.

Your welcome.

Missing Blog Post: 9/9/13: Do I Exist When I Don't Blog?

The first of three posts—9th, 10th, and 13th—I didn't write this week.

Except I actually did write a post this day. I just decided not to publish it.

Which begs the question: if a blog post is written but nobody reads it, does it exist?

Taken a step further, do I exist on days I don't blog?

State of the Blog: Week 8: The Start of My Novel Writing Plan

Day three of the cold. I think it's getting better. Although, maybe I'm just working hard to convince myself I don't need to go to the doctor. And this would be the day to go, or I may need to take a time off from work later in the week.

Further evidence I should seek medical treatment: I've started writing without coffee in hand. Not even brewed yet. I have no words. I shall now go fix this egregious oversight.
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Aaaand fixed. Instantaneous for you. I, on the other hand, had to actually get off my lazy ass and brew a fresh pot. It's surprisingly good this morning. I feel like I do the same thing every time, but some minute variation in the process seems to result in differing levels of coffee-induced pleasure. Today, I mastered the minutia. In a perfect world, I wold be able to replicate what I did on a consistent basis. But I wasn't really paying attention. Maybe that is the key?!?

As an added bonus, I am feeling increasingly better this morning, thanks to the coffee gods and to another round of squirting saline solution up my nose. Sounds gross, but it does wonders. Seriously. Try it.

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This week has been another crazy-busy one. I think I'm almost over the start of the semester hump. My posts for the week reflect how busy I've been. They're short and mostly from my phone. I usually write phone-posts in bed right before I pass out for the night, and I'm often dozing off as I text words into my Blogger app. But I get it done. Some I quite enjoy when I read them later. Proof that length does not equal better (sexual reference unintentional). 

However, I will need to address the fitting-time-in-for-writing issue, and I need to have it in place by November for NaNoWriMO. Really, I need to have it in place well before then. A successful NaNoWriMo attempt takes preparation. A liberating thought, which has also taught me the importance of better planning in general for my creative writing efforts. I've typically been a sort of freewriting, let-the-words-and-story-come-out as-they-may writer. But that seems to only get me so far. I eventually come to some kind of impasse, and I don't really know where to go next with the story. And so, my story dies a slow and painful death, it's death rattle haunting me, begging me for help. It wants to live!

Step one will be establishing a set time I will devote to writing every day, which will most likely mean early in the morning. I am thinking from 0500 to 0630. (I'm a fan of military time. It makes more sense...at least in my head.) 

Writing early in the morning will also mean better planning the night before. Still sort of a chaotic process, getting the boys and me ready for the day and out the door. But I get it done. And I am still a single parent newbie. Being more planful will help us all...and model the importance of preparation for them. 

Plan (in progress): Have clothes ready and ironed the night before. Have lunches made. Set timer for coffee brewer. Have boys school stuff ready to go. Have my work stuff ready to go. Every minute I can save will count. Even have oatmeal ready and in the microwave (just add water and press the start button in the morning).

If I am really ambitious (and smart about this), I can get a lot of things things done during the weekend, such as picking out and getting my clothes ready for the week. I'll work up to that. I have not been that person in the past...but I can totally be that person. I will have to be to do this. And this is something I really want. 

Also, I have been collected resources and tools to help me plan my novel. I have found several I am pretty excited about. I plan to compile a collection of resources. It will show up in some form or another on this blog...someday. Hopefully sooner. 

Here are several I really like so far. 

1) General Writing Tips (I am a sucker for writer's tips):

• Joss Whedon's Top 10 Writing Tips
• Pixar's 22 Rules of Storytelling
• Pixar's Rules of Storytelling in Lego

2) Outlining, structure, planning, character bios, etc.: The impetus for my explorations into outline/structure came from a video on how to prepare for NaNoWriMO that I serendipitously came across and linked to in a previous blog post. 

• The Secrets to Creating Story Structure. I'm a long time fan/subscriber of Write to Done. Plus, this article uses examples from Star Wars. Win, win. 
• Jim Butcher--On Writing. This blogger/write (RK Athey) breaks down story structure in an easy to reference, reader friendly way.
• The Butcher Method and Scrivener. I have been tinkering with Scrivener for a bit, and I like how this post, again from RK Athey, lays out clear examples on how to use Scrivener in context of Jim Butcher's writing advice.

3) Writing Tools: 

• Scrivener. As I said, I have already been fiddling with it, but it's somewhat complex. It also costs money. I currently have a 30 day free trial. I balk at the thought of paying money for something I can essentially do for free. But so many writers, including established ones I really admire, hail it as the second coming. Plus, I really need to admit to myself that a writing organization tool may be key for me. 
• Writer: the internet typewriter. I really great tool to block out distractions and just write. Plus it counts your words as you type. Been using this one and off for a couple years. 

When Life Throws You Shit...Get Married and Have Babies

I feel like absolute shit lately. Shit. S. H....well, you know how to spell it.

The good ol' ball-and-chain was here again today...to pick up the youngins.

The boys and I were have a fun little morning. They were riding their trikes outside...until she breezily strolled in with her pent up ball of passive-aggressive, bi-polar-like, easily irritable, whoa-as-me...whatever the fuck it is that best describes her behavior.

Here like fifteen minutes, and it seems something inherent in me sets her off. Puts her in some kind of bad mood.

Put another way: There's just something about me that pisses her off.

And so when I found that person, I married and made babies with her. Good plan, Jim. (*note to self on things to avoid doing in the future.)

I seem to be talking to myself more often in these posts. Maybe because nobody talks backs...except for the bottomless hole of a void where a loving heart resided, filled with loving lovable love thoughts for life, the world, learning and, and, and....

And so, welcome back to the Writing as a Life Line blog, where I write. Often about writing. And plenty of rants about my wife, who will no longer be such in the not too distant future. Of course, it goes without saying, it is all her fault, as she ever so gently made clear in her usage of what may be the lamest in ultimate cliched dumping-your-significant-other lines: "It's not YOU. It's MEEEE." True story. She said that. That it happens to be true in this instance is of little consequence.

So when I say today that I feel like shit, I want to make it clear that I am not being literal. Shit has no nerve endings and cannot feel, so it would be literally impossible to even know what shit feels like, since shit is incapable of feeling. Shit, in this instance, is, of course a simile. If I had, on the other hand,  said "I am shit," that would have been a metaphor.

I feel like shit because I have something of a cold today. It started yesterday. As I noted...er, yesterday. Add in my wife and her behavior around me and in front of my boys...again, when she is around me. More shit. Throw in a dollop of missing my boys, and a pinch of guilt for feeling ever so grateful for a short reprieve from the madness of the three year old mind. Still. More. Shit.

But it's all OK. I took an awesome afternoon nap, made myself some half-assed but tasty burritos (nothing says happiness quite like refried beans), took some drugs, and squirted sodium water up my nose.

I now I have my coffee next to me and some time to myself to think and write.

But, perhaps, today's most significant cure for feelings of shit, both physically and emotionally, was watching Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. I can't believe I have just today watched it for the first time. Brilliant.

An Unscheduled Cold. How Rude!

Crap. I think I'm sick. But I don't have the time to spare, so I'm gonna have to ask you, cold, to postpone your unscheduled appointment. I mean, really. You're like one of my more disrespectful students who believe they can barge in any time and demand immediate attention to their issues above all else in the world. Grow up, cold. Fucking loser.   

The Single Father of Twin Toddler Sons That Could: I Think. I Can.

Sometimes I feel like I can't do this...the single fatherhood thing. Sometimes I don't want to do it anymore. But those are fantasies. I don't have the luxery of choice. I have my boys, and I give them everything I am. And it feels like it is never enough. And I internally rage at my wife for ditching this family. But that doesn't really help me either. It makes it harder, actually. I will get better at this. Focus, Jim. Focus. You can do this. 

Two Unexpected Things

Two predictable thing occurred today: 1) my wife called to tell me that something "unexpected" came up once again, and she will once again need to postpone picking up our boys; 2) I didn't write shit.

Writing Nothing

What did I write today? Oh that's right, nothing...except this stupid blog post about not writing today. The best part about this post is the title.

Committing to NaNoWriMo but Not to a Story...Yet

Busy day. Busy life. But my boys are back and safely asleep in our house.

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I've started the process of getting more serious and geared up for NaNoWriMo in November. I plan to have character sketches, scenes, and an outline of the story ready.

I started some character sketches this morning. I enjoyed the process...despite that I am not yet certain which story to commit to.

State of the Blog: Week 7: What I Want

I have been writing and posting a blog every day for fifty days in a row (almost). On July 14, I was sitting on the same place on my couch, with the same laptop, and drinking coffee from the same mug I am now—and typing the first post of a new, daily blog to get me back in the habit of writing.

Fifty posts from now will be the middle of November, and I will be fully entrenched in writing for National Novel Writing Month. These posts are the warm-ups. You don't just throw yourself into a marathon without preparing and building up to it. You could severely injure yourself, and your odds of completing the marathon would be pretty slim.

I feel pretty proud of my fifty post accomplishment. Of sticking to a goal I made for myself. Of prioritizing the role of writing in my life.

Yeah me.

This was an especially difficult week to keep up with my daily posts. The start of the fall semester is the busiest of my work-year. It's like higher education Black Friday. Add in my new role as single-parent during every work week—a juggling act I haven't quite mastered (but I happen to feel I am doing a pretty damn good job with)—and, really, I am mostly glad I was able to fit in sleep, much less blog posts.

I resorted to very short posts this week and even a few posts from my phone just before falling asleep. The phone posts are, to me, an interesting experiment. One I especially liked. It's about my ex spending the night, and I wrote it while we were both laying in the same bed pretending the other didn't exist. She was tapping away on her phone as well to whoever the hell she is always texting.

However, the bigger point it that it's a good post. Or at least I think it is. I never considered what I do on my phone as writing, but I am forced to change that assessment. I actually do a lot of writing from my phone. I am slow and kinda suck at it, but that does not diminish or negate the fact that what I do on my phone is writing. It just doesn't what writing normally feels like.

But I should do more of it. A good way to get writing in wherever I am. And it is always in my pocket. It will never be my main medium (not by a long shot). But it can help me to record thoughts and idea and increase my writing output in general. If day care expenses were not sucking my pocket book dry, I would get a tablet in a second. And the Kindle Fire is on sale for really cheap write now.

WANT.

But alas, single-parenthood is synonymous with strict penny-pinching. I buy very little for myself. I actually felt guilty about buying new, casual dress clothes I sorely needed for work. My older clothes were starting to look...older and worn out. Have to dress for the position you want, and all that.

So while I found ways to keep up with the daily blog posts, my creative writing output suffered severely. And I had started what felt like some good stuff. But the momentum for those stories, as well as the ideas, are currently misplaced.

I'll find them again. I am a perennial misplacer. I know, keep your stuff in the same spot to avoid misplacing things. That advice holds true for writing as well. And that is sort of the purpose of this blog.

I am writing. And I am building up to more of the writing I really want to do.

Exactly two months and counting until NaNoWriMO. I will dive in full force the the moment the calendar changes from October to November.

I WANT that more than the Kindle Fire.